Appreciating the In-laws

Realizing what you can and can’t do is the first step. The second step is to work at better understanding and appreciating your in-laws. When you identify specific areas you need to address, you must come up with your own game plan.
Relationships are fluid and ever-changing. We hope the following suggestions will help your in-laws relationships change for the better positive change can begin in several ways. It can begin with a new idea, and we want to suggest several new ideas for loving your in-laws that may be you haven’t considered before.
Change can begin with a change in attitude, and change also occurs through actions, so we’ll tell you some things you can do right now to really love your in-laws.

Find the Comfort Zone between Intimacy and Distance

When we asked, “What is your best advice for building healthy in-law relationships?” we received the same answer from four different countries! Two simple words “Stay away!” This wasn’t the answer we were expecting, but it gave us a clue to one big dilemma in in-law relationships. In-laws have difficulty finding the comfort zone between intimacy and distance.
Picture a seesaw with intimacy on one end and distance on the other. What you want to do is find the appropriate balance in your relationship.
It is a continual balancing act, and it’s easy to get off balance. The changes in life create the need to continually adjust that balance. Some families enjoy getting together each Sunday for dinner, while others say, “Isn’t it great that we get to see our parents and in-laws several times a year?”
There are so many factors: where you live, children, jobs, and financial resources. This is one area where you simply have to find what works for you. The more in-laws you add, the more complicated relationships become. You can’t be as intimate with everyone as you can with your own spouse and children.
Then you need to evaluate your expectations. Mary, a new mom, told us how she felt when she was in the hospital when her first child was born. She loved all the attention she received during her pregnancy. The baby arrived. It was great fun when all the family came to the hospital to visit her and to see the baby, but then they all said good bye and went out to eat together. She was left alone in her hospital room with her new baby while everyone else was celebrating at her favorite restaurant! She felt more distance at this point than she wanted to feel. Then, in the following weeks, both her mother and mother in-law were continually around to give a helping hand. Their motives were great, but at this point Mary just wanted a little space. It’s hard to find the balance between being too involved and bot being involved enough? and how do you deal with a mother- in-law(sorry, not trying to pick on mothers-in-law, but this is an occupational hazard for mothers who love and care for their adult kids and spouses) who wants to be overly involved in your life? Here are some suggested ways to find that comfort zone:

1 Think about the past. How did your p[parents or in-laws relate to their own parents and in-laws? They simply nay be repeating the pattern that was modeled for them.
2 Talk it out with your parents and in-laws.
3 One couple asked each set of parents, what does it take to make you feel comfortable with us?
4 One mother-in-law answered, “I need to feel included.” Another said,” I need some time alone away from people.”
5 Share your own feelings. Talk openly about holidays and try to work out a compromise before hand that everyone can live with.

Realize you’re not in the same season of life

To simply admit that you are in different seasons of life is a great starting place for better understanding and appreciating your in-laws. Try to look at life from your parents’ and in-laws’ perspective. Your goals are probably very different. Nowhere does this manifest itself more than in family-owned businesses .The younger generation is ready to dig in, work hard, and invest in the future by expanding the company’s base of business. The older generation’s desire may be to wind down, take the profits, kick back, and enjoy life. You may not be involved in a family business, but you may find your goals are just as different as those who are. It helps to try understanding both sides-your situation and that of your parents and in-l-aw. Work at developing the attitude, “I will seek to understand my parents’ and in-laws’ goals and try to understand life from their perspective.
Intentionally look at life from your parents’ or in-laws’ point of view.
Don’t complain about how hectic your life is, Believe me, its all relative.
Become educated about your parents’ or in-laws new challenges
For example, when a parent or in-law is retiring or changing careers, take an interest.

Find Things in Common.

To help develop a sense of belonging, look for things you have in common. Everyone has to eat, so food is one shared interest. One daughter -in-law shares her experience:

When my mother-in-law came to visit I didn’t know what to do since we really don’t have very much in common, so I suggested we learn a new recipe together (She loves to cook so that seemed to be a natural.) Together we made a casserole, and it was a total flop. I learned how clever my mother-in-law was. To make the dried-out rice and vegetable casserole edible, she simple melted a stick of butter and poured it over the casserole. Voila’ It tasted great! Since then I’ve resorted to the butter treatment for turkey dressing that’s too dry. It definitely improves the flavor

If only all in-law relationships could be improved by melting a stick of butter, unfortunately, it’s not that simple, but you can look for things you have in common or could have in common. For instance, years ago when our boys were growing up, one Christmas we all got Austrian wool bedroom slippers. They were so toasty and warm that we continued the tradition over the years. When one pair wore out, we simply replaced them with a new pair. We gave them to our parents for Christmas one year, and when one of our sons was married in Austria, the tradition was extended to our daughter-in-law. It’s nice to know our feet all look alike.
Another time I (Claudia) gave each couple as well as our parents a homemade cookbook of our family’s favorite recipes, including Grandmother Arp’s pumpkin pie, my mom’s molasses cookies, Aunt Myrtle’s coconut cake, and my favorite cheese fondue recipe.

Host a dinner party together. Its’ fun to cook together. Try new recipes.
Choose family project, at your house or theirs, such as wall-papering a room or putting up
Shelving” in a closet. Do it togather.Take a vacation together. Once we went to Disneyworld
With Claudia’s parents. It wasn’t their first choice of places to visit, but the grandkids loved
Disney World and getting to experience it with their grandparents. We all built great
Memories.
Play games together. Some of our favorites are Scattergories, Balderdash, Trivial Pursuit,
and Dictionary.

Plan Realistically for Family Visits.

Each year we get several Christmas cards from families who look like they are right out of the “Supper Family Fairy Tale” Everyone is dressed alike and everyone is smiling. We admire them, but a picture like that just isn’t realistic for us. Every one in our family is so different we would never agree on what to wear!
Even if we could pull off such a picture, it wouldn’t reflect reality.
We’re just happy when we get together and there are no major crises. Please don’t misunderstand. We love it when we all can get together especially when we resist adopting unrealistic expectations.
So before your next family-get together, evaluate your expectations. One survey participatant wrote, when I go home I feel like I’m fifteen years old again and must comply with my parent’s wishes even at the expense of my relationship with my spouse.
From the parents’ side, we can tell you from our own experiences in the early days of adjusting to in-laws that it was easy for us to land back in the” parents” slot suddenly it was as if we had been teenagers again . So it works both ways. One mother-in-law wrote,” When our married kids come back to visit, we’re all adults for the first fifteen minutes. As the visit progresses, they regress, and we get put back into the parent role. Not fun”
When you get togather, ask, what’s the lowest common denominator?
Then adjust your expectations.
We also have discovered over the years that when we are together as a big extended family. we tend to talk more about the children and surface issues. So we don’t go with big expectations of deep conversation. Instead, we reserve those times for when we are with only one family. So we suggest developing the attitude of willingly putting aside your expectations and looking for ways to enhance your time together with your extended family.
Whatever your situation as family get-together, there will some things that never change and other things that over time can improve. It helps tremendously if you can have more realistic and accepting attitude toward these family times. There are so many variables and so many personalities involved, often you just have to go with the flow.
Realize its okay to have some conflict, disagreement, and expression of feelings, but there are some things you can do to cope.
Here are some ways to facilitate happy family gatherings;

Consider a neutral location. Suggest a cabin in the mountain or a condo at the beach.
Spend time beforehand thinking through the upcoming time Together.
Make a list of things you c an do ahead of time.
Cook ahead
Realize that you can’t control other people.
During the family get-together, take time for yourself.Read a book. Take nap.
Get away from every one for a couple of hours-it will help your perspective!
Get some exercise. Walk around the block.
Let every one help out in the kitchen. Ask for help if no one volunteers.
Be ready with family activities for those who want something to do.
Plan a hike or a golf outing, rent a couple of favorite black and white videos or DVDs, or
pull out some puzzle or a few fun favorite games.
Choose to serve your parents and in-laws. They will love you for it!

Stay in Touch

Keep in tough through letters, videos, e-mails, and phone calls. One extended family adopted a family website where each family could post and download pictures. One survey participant wrote-mail works really well-everyone gets the same message at the same time.” Another participant responded, “We publish humorous biweekly family newsletter. Contributions are solicited from all. It is called The Latest Dope and has a Latest Dope Award’ in each issue”. Another person wrote, “My first cousin compiled a book of fairy stories. Everyone who wanted to could submit stories. Then he printed out a copy for each family”
A tip from grandparents; Grandparents love getting artwork from grandchildren or newspaper clippings about special awards, and, of course, we all love getting pictures-you simply can’t send too many! If your parents and in-laws have voice mail, when they aren’t available to answer the phone, encourage your children to leave personal messages. We kept one message from a three-year-old grandson on our voice mail for weeks. Each time we listened to his robust laugh, we laughed and felt loved!

Here are some ways to stay in touch.

Pick up the phone and call to say hello.
Send e-mails and pictures.
Encourage your children to stay in touch with their grandparents.
Start a family web site or a family e-mail newsletter.

Remember That You Have at Least One Thing in Common

One daughter-in-law related how she tried for twenty years to relate to her mother-in-law but never felt accepted or respected. After twenty years, her mother-in-law finally began to come around, and today they have a pleasant relationship. If you are the daughter-in-law struggling with a mother-in-law who is totally different from you, you can help build mutual respect by remembering what you have in common-you both love your spouse and it won’t take twenty years to build a relationship. Then look for other things you have in common. You may be surprised by what you find. Remember that whatever your differences, you both love the same person. Let us encourage you to concentrate on what you have in common, not on areas where you disagree.
It’s your choice. You can concentrate on the positive things you see in your in-law, or you can dwell on the negative. Why not take a few minutes and make a list of all the positive traits you can think of that describe your in-law. You may even admire some of the ways he or she is totally different from you. Each person is unique, and it’s up to you to appreciate that uniqueness, especially when it comes to your in-laws.

Here are some ways to build respect and find things in common.
1 Compliment your in-law in the presence of your mate.
2 Make a list of your in-law’s positive qualities.
3 Make a list of ways you are different that give variety to your family tree.
4 List your spouse’s good qualities he or she got from your in-laws.

Accept Love where you find it

With your in-laws learn to accept love where you find it. Not all grandparents are grandchildren friendly.” Not all in-laws look for ways to encourage you in your marriage-like offering to keep the kids. Not all relatives are sensitive to your needs. So give up expectations and accept love in whatever form it is offered. When the phone rings, whether its’ that long awaited call offering to keep your kids for a weekend for your getaway or a call telling you they’ve booked a cruise for themselves, accept them and love them. You can always be thankful if your parents and/or in-laws are still married and love each other enough to cruise together!
Again to really love and appreciate your in-laws, expect nothing and accept love where you find it. Oh yes, one other tip; Start your own list now of how you would like to relate to your children as adults-and to your grandchildren. And don’t forget that occasional cruise just for the two of you! Thanks for visiting our website.Feel free to comment on the articles you read on this site we would be glad to hear from.Cheers.

Penix

Appreciating the In-laws

Realizing what you can and can’t do is the first step. The second step is to work at better understanding and appreciating your in-laws. When you identify specific areas you need to address, you must come up with your own game plan.
Relationships are fluid and ever-changing. We hope the following suggestions will help your in-laws relationships change for the better positive change can begin in several ways. It can begin with a new idea, and we want to suggest several new ideas for loving your in-laws that may be you haven’t considered before.
Change can begin with a change in attitude, and change also occurs through actions, so we’ll tell you some things you can do right now to really love your in-laws.

Find the Comfort Zone between Intimacy and Distance

When we asked, “What is your best advice for building healthy in-law relationships?” we received the same answer from four different countries! Two simple words “Stay away!” This wasn’t the answer we were expecting, but it gave us a clue to one big dilemma in in-law relationships. In-laws have difficulty finding the comfort zone between intimacy and distance.
Picture a seesaw with intimacy on one end and distance on the other. What you want to do is find the appropriate balance in your relationship.
It is a continual balancing act, and it’s easy to get off balance. The changes in life create the need to continually adjust that balance. Some families enjoy getting together each Sunday for dinner, while others say, “Isn’t it great that we get to see our parents and in-laws several times a year?”
There are so many factors: where you live, children, jobs, and financial resources. This is one area where you simply have to find what works for you. The more in-laws you add, the more complicated relationships become. You can’t be as intimate with everyone as you can with your own spouse and children.
Then you need to evaluate your expectations. Mary, a new mom, told us how she felt when she was in the hospital when her first child was born. She loved all the attention she received during her pregnancy. The baby arrived. It was great fun when all the family came to the hospital to visit her and to see the baby, but then they all said good bye and went out to eat together. She was left alone in her hospital room with her new baby while everyone else was celebrating at her favorite restaurant! She felt more distance at this point than she wanted to feel. Then, in the following weeks, both her mother and mother in-law were continually around to give a helping hand. Their motives were great, but at this point Mary just wanted a little space. It’s hard to find the balance between being too involved and bot being involved enough? and how do you deal with a mother- in-law(sorry, not trying to pick on mothers-in-law, but this is an occupational hazard for mothers who love and care for their adult kids and spouses) who wants to be overly involved in your life? Here are some suggested ways to find that comfort zone:

1 Think about the past. How did your p[parents or in-laws relate to their own parents and in-laws? They simply nay be repeating the pattern that was modeled for them.
2 Talk it out with your parents and in-laws.
3 One couple asked each set of parents, what does it take to make you feel comfortable with us?
4 One mother-in-law answered, “I need to feel included.” Another said,” I need some time alone away from people.”
5 Share your own feelings. Talk openly about holidays and try to work out a compromise before hand that everyone can live with.

Realize you’re not in the same season of life

To simply admit that you are in different seasons of life is a great starting place for better understanding and appreciating your in-laws. Try to look at life from your parents’ and in-laws’ perspective. Your goals are probably very different. Nowhere does this manifest itself more than in family-owned businesses .The younger generation is ready to dig in, work hard, and invest in the future by expanding the company’s base of business. The older generation’s desire may be to wind down, take the profits, kick back, and enjoy life. You may not be involved in a family business, but you may find your goals are just as different as those who are. It helps to try understanding both sides-your situation and that of your parents and in-l-aw. Work at developing the attitude, “I will seek to understand my parents’ and in-laws’ goals and try to understand life from their perspective.
Intentionally look at life from your parents’ or in-laws’ point of view.
Don’t complain about how hectic your life is, Believe me, its all relative.
Become educated about your parents’ or in-laws new challenges
For example, when a parent or in-law is retiring or changing careers, take an interest.

Find Things in Common.

To help develop a sense of belonging, look for things you have in common. Everyone has to eat, so food is one shared interest. One daughter -in-law shares her experience:

When my mother-in-law came to visit I didn’t know what to do since we really don’t have very much in common, so I suggested we learn a new recipe together (She loves to cook so that seemed to be a natural.) Together we made a casserole, and it was a total flop. I learned how clever my mother-in-law was. To make the dried-out rice and vegetable casserole edible, she simple melted a stick of butter and poured it over the casserole. Voila’ It tasted great! Since then I’ve resorted to the butter treatment for turkey dressing that’s too dry. It definitely improves the flavor

If only all in-law relationships could be improved by melting a stick of butter, unfortunately, it’s not that simple, but you can look for things you have in common or could have in common. For instance, years ago when our boys were growing up, one Christmas we all got Austrian wool bedroom slippers. They were so toasty and warm that we continued the tradition over the years. When one pair wore out, we simply replaced them with a new pair. We gave them to our parents for Christmas one year, and when one of our sons was married in Austria, the tradition was extended to our daughter-in-law. It’s nice to know our feet all look alike.
Another time I (Claudia) gave each couple as well as our parents a homemade cookbook of our family’s favorite recipes, including Grandmother Arp’s pumpkin pie, my mom’s molasses cookies, Aunt Myrtle’s coconut cake, and my favorite cheese fondue recipe.

Host a dinner party together. Its’ fun to cook together. Try new recipes.
Choose family project, at your house or theirs, such as wall-papering a room or putting up
Shelving” in a closet. Do it togather.Take a vacation together. Once we went to Disneyworld
With Claudia’s parents. It wasn’t their first choice of places to visit, but the grandkids loved
Disney World and getting to experience it with their grandparents. We all built great
Memories.
Play games together. Some of our favorites are Scattergories, Balderdash, Trivial Pursuit,
and Dictionary.

Plan Realistically for Family Visits.

Each year we get several Christmas cards from families who look like they are right out of the “Supper Family Fairy Tale” Everyone is dressed alike and everyone is smiling. We admire them, but a picture like that just isn’t realistic for us. Every one in our family is so different we would never agree on what to wear!
Even if we could pull off such a picture, it wouldn’t reflect reality.
We’re just happy when we get together and there are no major crises. Please don’t misunderstand. We love it when we all can get together especially when we resist adopting unrealistic expectations.
So before your next family-get together, evaluate your expectations. One survey participatant wrote, when I go home I feel like I’m fifteen years old again and must comply with my parent’s wishes even at the expense of my relationship with my spouse.
From the parents’ side, we can tell you from our own experiences in the early days of adjusting to in-laws that it was easy for us to land back in the” parents” slot suddenly it was as if we had been teenagers again . So it works both ways. One mother-in-law wrote,” When our married kids come back to visit, we’re all adults for the first fifteen minutes. As the visit progresses, they regress, and we get put back into the parent role. Not fun”
When you get togather, ask, what’s the lowest common denominator?
Then adjust your expectations.
We also have discovered over the years that when we are together as a big extended family. we tend to talk more about the children and surface issues. So we don’t go with big expectations of deep conversation. Instead, we reserve those times for when we are with only one family. So we suggest developing the attitude of willingly putting aside your expectations and looking for ways to enhance your time together with your extended family.
Whatever your situation as family get-together, there will some things that never change and other things that over time can improve. It helps tremendously if you can have more realistic and accepting attitude toward these family times. There are so many variables and so many personalities involved, often you just have to go with the flow.
Realize its okay to have some conflict, disagreement, and expression of feelings, but there are some things you can do to cope.
Here are some ways to facilitate happy family gatherings;

Consider a neutral location. Suggest a cabin in the mountain or a condo at the beach.
Spend time beforehand thinking through the upcoming time Together.
Make a list of things you c an do ahead of time.
Cook ahead
Realize that you can’t control other people.
During the family get-together, take time for yourself.Read a book. Take nap.
Get away from every one for a couple of hours-it will help your perspective!
Get some exercise. Walk around the block.
Let every one help out in the kitchen. Ask for help if no one volunteers.
Be ready with family activities for those who want something to do.
Plan a hike or a golf outing, rent a couple of favorite black and white videos or DVDs, or
pull out some puzzle or a few fun favorite games.
Choose to serve your parents and in-laws. They will love you for it!

Stay in Touch

Keep in tough through letters, videos, e-mails, and phone calls. One extended family adopted a family website where each family could post and download pictures. One survey participant wrote-mail works really well-everyone gets the same message at the same time.” Another participant responded, “We publish humorous biweekly family newsletter. Contributions are solicited from all. It is called The Latest Dope and has a Latest Dope Award’ in each issue”. Another person wrote, “My first cousin compiled a book of fairy stories. Everyone who wanted to could submit stories. Then he printed out a copy for each family”
A tip from grandparents; Grandparents love getting artwork from grandchildren or newspaper clippings about special awards, and, of course, we all love getting pictures-you simply can’t send too many! If your parents and in-laws have voice mail, when they aren’t available to answer the phone, encourage your children to leave personal messages. We kept one message from a three-year-old grandson on our voice mail for weeks. Each time we listened to his robust laugh, we laughed and felt loved!

Here are some ways to stay in touch.

Pick up the phone and call to say hello.
Send e-mails and pictures.
Encourage your children to stay in touch with their grandparents.
Start a family web site or a family e-mail newsletter.

Remember That You Have at Least One Thing in Common

One daughter-in-law related how she tried for twenty years to relate to her mother-in-law but never felt accepted or respected. After twenty years, her mother-in-law finally began to come around, and today they have a pleasant relationship. If you are the daughter-in-law struggling with a mother-in-law who is totally different from you, you can help build mutual respect by remembering what you have in common-you both love your spouse and it won’t take twenty years to build a relationship. Then look for other things you have in common. You may be surprised by what you find. Remember that whatever your differences, you both love the same person. Let us encourage you to concentrate on what you have in common, not on areas where you disagree.
It’s your choice. You can concentrate on the positive things you see in your in-law, or you can dwell on the negative. Why not take a few minutes and make a list of all the positive traits you can think of that describe your in-law. You may even admire some of the ways he or she is totally different from you. Each person is unique, and it’s up to you to appreciate that uniqueness, especially when it comes to your in-laws.

Here are some ways to build respect and find things in common.
1 Compliment your in-law in the presence of your mate.
2 Make a list of your in-law’s positive qualities.
3 Make a list of ways you are different that give variety to your family tree.
4 List your spouse’s good qualities he or she got from your in-laws.

Accept Love where you find it

With your in-laws learn to accept love where you find it. Not all grandparents are grandchildren friendly.” Not all in-laws look for ways to encourage you in your marriage-like offering to keep the kids. Not all relatives are sensitive to your needs. So give up expectations and accept love in whatever form it is offered. When the phone rings, whether its’ that long awaited call offering to keep your kids for a weekend for your getaway or a call telling you they’ve booked a cruise for themselves, accept them and love them. You can always be thankful if your parents and/or in-laws are still married and love each other enough to cruise together!
Again to really love and appreciate your in-laws, expect nothing and accept love where you find it. Oh yes, one other tip; Start your own list now of how you would like to relate to your children as adults-and to your grandchildren. And don’t forget that occasional cruise just for the two of you! Thanks for visiting our website.Feel free to comment on the articles you read on this site we would be glad to hear from.Cheers.

Penix

Life is an opportunity for every person to create a new story that can be passed along by generations to come.

Did you realize that when you married your prince or princess charming you inherited the king, the queen, and the whole court? In a real sense, you did marry the whole family. Despite all the “in-law/out-laws” jokes.. In-laws play a significant role in how your marriage goes.

Healthy in-law relationships are a wonderful blessing in any marriage.

Un-healthy in-law relationships can be a continual drain and irritation. so what can you do to build healthy relationships with your in-laws? That’s what this chapter is all about. We want to help you evaluate your present in-law relationships and come up with a plan for building better ones in the future.

We’ll look at what you can do to improve relationships with your in-laws. We’ll also consider what you can’t do to-what is un-realistic in relating to your parents and in-laws and how to handle the reality that some relationships are just closer than others. Then we will give you some tools to help [you build better relationships with your spouse’s parents and siblings. Let’s get started.

The more mutual respect and enjoyment you experience with your extended family, the more security and stability you and your spouse will feel in your marriage. Start by looking at your place on the family seesaw. Are you newlyweds just starting out? Or perhaps you have young in-laws who also demand your time and energy and have parents and in-laws who also demand part of your life. You might even have aging parents who are beginning to experience health problems. If you are a blended marriage with his children, her children, and “ours,” you could have extended family members all up and down the family seesaw. Wherever you are on the family seesaw, it will be a balancing act. How can you build your marriage and love your in-laws at the same time? Let’s start by evaluating your present relationship with your in-laws.

LEAVING AND CLEAVING.

In the beginning God created marriage and it was very good. And in Genesis 2:24 he gave three foundational principles for making marriage work. It is not surprising that the first principle deals with in-law relationships. We read, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife” Why is leaving so important? Aren’t we always to love and respect our parents? Absolutely But we’re also commanded to leave.

In Genesis 2:24 leaving is switching our family allegiance. If one mate refuses to realign his or her priority from parents to spouse, that marriage will have problems. When most modern-day couples marry, they physically leave their parents homes. But they also need to leave on another level-on the emotional level. The realigning of our priorities means we need to move our allegiance from our parents to our partners.

We don’t stop honoring, respecting, and loving our parents, but they are no longer the number one priority relationship in our lives-or they shouldn’t be!

Understand What You Can and Can’t Do

We like to say, “You can do what you can do and that’s what you can do,” We might add “that’s all you can do” may be you are blessed with parents and in-laws who are positive and loving. Or you might be in a more distressing situation, and your parents and in-laws are negative and critical.

Whatever the situation, whether your extended family has a positive or negative situation can depends more on you than on the situation. A negative situation can bring you closer together as a couple as you seek to find a solution you can all live with. One couple in our survey decided to turn down an offer of financial help from their parents because it was perceived as a means of control. They would rather be poor than manipulated by their parents.

Also, we need to face the fact that some extended families are just closer than others. Your extended family will not be as close as your nuclear family, nor should it be. Everyone struggles with family relationships. And the older we get, the more complex family relationships become. Also, we assume that if we had a closer-knit family growing up, that closeness will remain when we add in-laws. But having a great nuclear family doesn’t translate automatically into a great extended family.

Evaluating your own unique situation will help you understand what is and what isn’t realistic to expect from your in-law relationships. Stop for a moment and think about the following questions:

1 What is the best aspect of my relationship with my in-laws?

2 What is the major tension with my in-laws?

3 What is the best way to communicate with my in-laws?

4 What kinds of things pull us together as an extended family?

In the following pages we want to share with you some of the answers we received from couples in a survey we conducted about how they were attempting to love their in-laws, and also share with you some practical suggestions that will help you do what you can to build better relationships with your own in-laws.

“You Want To Do What ?”

In every talk we have ever given on sexuality, the question of oral sex is raised. What does the Bible say about oral sex ? Is it okay? Is it a perversion ?” This is another topic like masturbation, that is not specifically addressed in scripture. Nowhere do we read that it is expressly forbidden, nor do we clearly read that it is encouraged. However, just because something is not expressly forbidden does not make it right or necessary, and just because something is not clearly affirmed and encouraged does not make it wrong or sinful. We must look to other scriptural principles to guide us.
Many read passages such as {Jude 7}, which refers to the sexual immorality and perversion of Sodom and Gomorrah, as including oral sex, because they consider it a perversion of God’s design for sexuality. Their position is strengthened by the fact that most dictionaries define sodomy as including not only homosexual acts and bestiality but also anal and oral copulation with the opposite sex.
However, others interpret the many references to oral delights in the Song of  Songs as an indication of the total body enjoyment that the couple celebrates throughout the song. They bolster their position by the fact that the two most densely concentrated bundles of nerve endings in our bodies are in the penis or clitoris and in the tongue. Oral sex then is seen as a natural means of pleasuring each other, in keeping with God’s design of our erogenous zones.
These are issues couples need to consider openly and discuss outside of the bedroom. Most individuals will have fairly strong convictions one way or the other. If both are in agreement on the issue, there is not a problem -they are free to act in accordance with their desire to abstain or to engage without further concern.(However, we do strongly  caution couples engaging in oral sex against focusing primarily on that pleasure and forfeiting the greater connection and oneness of intercourse.)
If partners disagree, and especially if they feel strongly about their positions, this can become a bitter battleground, and that must not be allowed. It is certainly more loving to abstain from an act that is not necessary than to push for it when one’s spouse is uncomfortable, feels violated by it, or believes it is wrong. The issue should remain one that either party can bring up from time to time for reconsideration, but it is impossible to envision God being please with such an intimate act if it is engaged in under duress.
Scripture probably speaks most directly to issues such as this in , where Paul addresses disputable matters such as dietary restrictions and observance of sacred days:The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him. Who are you to judge someone else’s servant ? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand. One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind.

Concerns about pregnancy and Birth Control

Obviously when a couple of childbearing age are engaging `in sexual relations, there is always the chance of becoming pregnant unless there is a fertility problem. Even the most reliable forms of birth control are not 100 percent effective, and some are actually fairly ineffective. Pregnancy is one of God’s greatest miracles and perhaps his richest blessing, but it is not always desired at a specific time and that is okay. Couples should talk a great deal about their desires for children and would be wise to do a degree of planning unless they want to have as many children as possible.
These can sometimes be difficult discussions, but they are vitally important.
Until the turn of the twentieth century, most mainline protestant churches held the same position as catholics on birth control; that is, that the only acceptable form is Natural family planning (NPP) and that no form of artificial contraception is acceptable. The first is that couples engaging in intercourse but impairing the potential for pregnancy are seen as embracing a part of God’s gift while rejecting another. They are blocking God’s ability to bless them with a child and are therefore impairing his ability to fully bless their union, moving and acting within it as he so desires.
A second reason protestants and catholics have historically opposed artificial contraception goes back to the discussion mentioned earlier on the messages being communicated in the sexual act. if a couple is saying with their bodies, “lam giving you every part of myself, and I want to have every part of yourself” but are then placing a barrier between themselves to block their fertility, they are not actually giving and receiving every part of their beings. They are sending conflicting messages in their lovemaking.
Most every protestant denomination now accepts various artificial means of birth control, and studies show that even many Catholics do not follow their church’s teaching on this issue. There are some logical arguments to be made in favor of contraception, but the protestant church still has a long way to go in developing a true theology that supports artificial birth control.

For those who do elect to use contraception, there are  host of other decisions to be made. All forms create greater freedom and spontaneity, but each has potential consequences. The pill causes many women to experience hormonal imbalance and decreased libido (sex drive). It can also cause the abortion of a fertilized egg. Condoms generally cause decreased sensation and occasional allergic reactions. Diaphragms, cervical caps, and spermicidal sponges carry the potential for infection and, on rare occasions, toxic shock syndrome. Intrauterine devices and the so called “morning-after pill” cause the abortion of a fertilized egg.
Vasectomy and tubal ligation are perhaps the most effective forms but are fairly permanent.

All of these concerns make this yet another issue that requires couples to talk, read, pray, and consult with physicians and/or their clergy to ensure that they feel peaceful about their decisions. As difficult as these discussions can be, each result in a deepening intimacy for couples who are learning to really know each other.

Infertility

One of the most painful struggles many couples face is the inability to become pregnant, or to sustain a pregnancy, when children are greatly desired. Few things introduce so much tension into the bedroom and threaten to reduce lovemaking to a mere duty. The various fertility tests and treatments available can be a wonderful blessing, but they can rob any feelings of privacy, mystery, spontaneity, or passion. The pain of disappointment month after month easily becomes paired with sexual union, requiring couples to aggressively guard against emotional withdrawal and disconnection.
Unless friends and loved ones have experienced this struggle themselves, many of their attempts at encouragement will only worsen the pain. Couples struggling with infertility often withdraw from social circles because of the constant reminders of how friends have been blessed when they have not. Even simple things like seeing a car seat in an automobile or passing the nursery  wing at church can be overwhelming.
As in every other area of sexual difficulty, the most important response is for couples to talk-openly, honestly, and frequently. There is a grieving process to go through, grieving the loss of something they never really had, or had only briefly. And there are options to consider, options that sometimes threaten one’s beliefs and can cause division in the marriage.
Couples are encouraged to seek out support groups and / or professional counselling in addition to medical advise if they are unable to conceive when trying to do so for more than twelve month.

Conclusion

We can only touch on some of the things that can threaten to spoil the richness of God’s plan for marital sexuality. If it has fostered a clearer understanding of the spirit of making love and of the messages couples communicate through those acts, as well as a greater awareness of the things that can enhance and diminish that connection, then it has accomplished its purpose. There are few things in marriage that are so difficult but so important to discuss, and which can yield such sweet fruit or bitter harvest depending on how they are handled.

Questions to help You

1.   What do you believe are the ways in which your sexual union could be most threatened ?
2.   What subject covered in this chapter is difficult for you as a couple to talk about ?
What do you think makes it difficult ?
3.   What is at least one area in your sexual relationship that you are determined to talk through more,
read on, pray over, or seek help with, to deepen your experience pf truely making love ?
For further help
Please feel free to write us in any way you have need of our help. We shall be willing to render further help to smoothen any rough-edges of your marriage.

Triggering of past Sexual Abuse Memories

We store memory in all five of our senses as well as in our cognitive mind. For many people who have been sexually abused, or even those who have had sexual experiences they might not consider to have been abuse per se, a triggering effect can occur when they begin to be sexual with their spouse. Although their mind tells them, “This is okay. This is good. This is not like the other things that have happened,” their senses may react to the sensory cues and override their will. When this occurs, their bodies will not respond properly, and they may become angry with themselves, or worse yet their spouse may become angry, adding to their negative paring.
Pairing of stimuli with sexual cues, whether as a turn-on or a turnoff, is a natural process and can be addressed quite effectively. Once again, though, it is not something that is likely to get better on its own. If a person is experiencing these reactions, he or she should avail himself or herself of Christian resources for sexual abuse recovery, attend a support group, or seek out a professional Christian counselor skilled in sexual abuse work. The important thing is to be proactive rather than allowing your body to continue to be reactive, sabotaging both the beauty of what God has given you as well as the healing he has waiting for you.

Difficulty with Orgasm

There are many possible reasons for experiencing difficulty with orgasm, and this is another issue couples need to discuss openly and address pro actively if it is a struggle. It may be tempting to say,”It’s not that important. i don’t mind. I still enjoy being together,”but the experience of both partners being able to achieve climax fairly regularly (though not necessarily simultaneously) is deeply bonding and well worth the embarrassment and work  that may be required to attain it.
It has been said that as much as 80 percent of sex therapy is sex education.We don’t know if that’s true, but we can certainly attest to the impact of a little clarification and education on numerous marriages. Many people are not aware of the side effects of many drugs-even over-the-counter ones and especially birth control pills and antidepressants-that can practically kill a sex drive and impair or block orgasmic potential. Alcohol,stress, fatigue, various physical ailments and disorders, and many other things can all compromise sexual functioning, though they may not at first appear to be related.
Masturbation is another saboteur of orgasm with a partner. The quick and predictable climax a person can achieve through self simulation is difficult if not impossible for a partner to match. Masturbation is not specifically forbidden in scripture, but lust is almost always connected with masturbatory patterns. In our opinion, masturbation falls under Paul’s instructions to the Corinthians; Everything is permissible for me’-but I will not be mastered by anything (1 Corinthians 6:12).masturbation can rarely be considered beneficial and it has certainly mastered many an individual, robbing them of the richness of God’s gift and leading them into greater sins.
If a married person is engaging in masturbation apart from their spouse, he or she can easily short-circuit his or her ability to achieve orgasm during lovemaking. This is because real life rarely measures up to fantasy. Solitary masturbation disconnects intimacy from the sexual response cycle, creating a mere shadow of what God intended and lessening the chances of deeply connecting during lovemaking. Choosing the quick satisfaction of self-stimulation over the more difficult but far more satisfying and God-honoring acts of lovemaking should always be discourage unless it is by mutual consent and for some specific purpose.
Although there are many other reasons for difficulty achieving orgasm, there is at least one more that must be mentioned in a chapter like this. Many couples are not aware of the importance of the clitoris for orgasm in the woman. When we talk about sex, we normally speak of penis and vagina-those are the organs involved in intercourse and in procreation.But when we speak of sex for pleasure’s sake and especially for orgasm, we are talking about penis and clitoris. Studies have shown that more than half of all women, and in some studies as many ass two thirds of all women, are unable to achieve orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation.
The clitoris is a small bundle of nerve endings and tissue located above the vaginal and urinary openings. Many couples are not even aware of it, or are unsure of where it is.It contains many of the same nerve endings that are distributed along the entire shaft of the penis in the man. For a woman to achieve orgasm without clitoral stimulation can be as difficult as it would be for a man with no direct clitoral stimulation during the act of intercourse, manual stimulation before,during, or after it generally required to produce an orgasm. (This is one of those times when the principle of “Ladies first works nicely!)
We must remember that God created the clitoris, and it does not serve any other function than sexual pleasure and facilitation of orgasm in a woman. It says a great deal about Gods interest in our pleasure, and it presents a tremendous invitation to couples to risk, explore, learn, and grow if they have not fully discovered the importance of the clitoris.

Premature Ejaculation

Many couples experience frustration when the husband is unable to withhold ejaculation for more than a few minutes during intercourse. Actually, several studies have shown that most men are unable to prevent orgasm during active thrusting for more than two to five minutes. So if couples are frustrated with premature ejaculation, it is important first to have a frame of reference for what is actually “Premature.” For our purposes, we will define it as experiencing orgasm considerably before couples desire it and repeatedly being unable to improve upon that pattern.
As with most other problem areas, there can be a number of reasons for truly premature ejaculation. Probably the most common is simply that the man is allowing too much sensate arousal to flood over him as he “drinks in” everything that is happening. Recalling the importance of sensual cues for arousal, the man needs to work at paying more attention to his wife and her pleasure first before turning his attention to his own enjoyment. With practice, this can become easier to do without becoming emotionally absent in bed. It’s important that he remains emotionally connected with her, but  so attuned to his physical arousal.
There are also exercise that the man can do and that couples can do together to decrease premature ejaculation. Again;it would be wise to get some Christian texts specifically on sexuality if this is a problem, and it is critical for couples to talk openly and to deal with their frustration pro actively. as with almost any other sexual problem, premature ejaculation can be greatly improved if couples are willing to work at it.

And the two will become one flesh!

The Plan for sexual intimacy is awesome beyond description. Sexual union can communicate our love and oneness in ways that words are simply inadequate to express. But sexual conflict and violations can also do unspeakable harm. There is perhaps no other pain a husband or wife can inflict upon their partner that cuts so deeply as a strike at their sexuality.
There are several areas in which sexual intimacy can be threatened.
It is beyond the scope of this chapter to address any of these in much details, but a brief overview can alert you to the problems most commonly experienced and should encourage you to do further reading or seek help if any of these begin to rob your intimacy.

Frequency

One of the first areas of disagreement often encountered is the desired frequency of lovemaking. We have been interviewing marriage partners separately and heard one husband complain,”She hardly ever wants to have sex!” The wife complained, “All he wants to do is have sex” Obviously these two have differing desires for frequency. There can be many reasons for low sexual desire, or for an overly active sex drive, from pain disorders and medication reactions to past sexual abuse and sexual addictions. Both partners must be very careful with the other’s feelings and must continue to talk openly about their differing preferences until they arrive at an agreeable arrangement or seek help.
Many spouses, and even well-intentioned pastors and counselors, have quoted {1 Corinthians 7:5} about not withholding ourselves from each other as a means of forcing a partner into compliance. This can be a gross misuse of God’s Word and a overly simplistic means of addressing an often complex issue. We urge couples to seek professional Christian counseling or notable marriage counselors if they are unable to arrive at a mutually agreeable and satisfying frequency of lovemaking.

“Sex Hurts”

One of the possible reasons for low sexual desire is pain during intercourse-acute, diffuse, consistent, periodic, stabbing, burning, aching, pulling, etc. There can be many reasons for experiencing pain, but they absolutely must be dealt with. The mantras of the athletic world don’t apply to sexual relations; you don’t “play through the pain.”You don’t “just do it. God designed us to be pain-avoiding creatures, and if pain begins to be associated with sexual intercourse, we will quickly develop a natural and very powerful aversion to it. Most complaints of pain can be dealt with effectively once the cause is identified, so an evaluation by a Christian sex therapist, gynecologist is always a wise step. Don’t try to ignore it or tell yourself,”It’s all in my head.” It’s not likely to go away on its own.

Part Two!

The situation became un-bearable to my mother; she started making arrangements for alternative wife who’ll help to procreate the children irrespective of our happiness. Crises crept into our marriage; my wife would think that I’m on the side of my parents to bring in a new wife. As the man at the centre of the crises, I was boxed in between and a solution was not in sight quickly.
In one of the occasions my mother brought a beautiful lady who had a son,(outside wedlock) and introduced her to me as my wife to be! The proposal includes accepting the child as part of my family and making him my son. She said that if only I would agree to marry the lady with the child, she would go ahead to conclude all marital rites.
In the same vein, she approached my wife to accept the young woman as her mate (second wife) in the family. In fairness to her, all efforts were geared toward finding solutions to achieve the objective of the “big family.” Both sides of the in-laws have their opinion and parts to play to actualize their ideals. They are not ready to sheathe their sword until the arrival of their grandchildren, as the saying goes” Where two elephants fights” it is the grass that suffers”. That was how best I could describe what our marriage went through just because we could not bear children in time to fill the expectations of our families.
My wife and I, were incurring the wrath of the family (extended) members by our insistence to wait for God’s appointed time.

SAVED SITAUTION

The situation started affecting my relationship with my wife. Whenever this matter comes for discussion, it tends to tear us apart. Because one of us will try to take sides with one parent’s position. The issue of childlessness is very strong in our society. The woman can not be left out. She bears the burden squarely. She is at the centre of the debacle, she bears the brunt. If care is taken, she may be replaced by a (suggestive divorce) more fruitful woman by her in-laws. They are most times not willing to wait too long or having any kind of patience, even if it has been advised by the experts to be patient and wait!

Considering the years we’ve been in marriage without a child and my position in the family made it more difficult, it becomes imperative that solution must be found. It behooves my wife to become also desperate for solution.
She started consulting for solutions on the matter which took her to pastors with different spiritual dimensions and doctors. While my mother was frantically making arrangements to get a new wife for her only son, nothing was to be spared.

But mission accomplished was the watch word. Take note; what was upper-most in the mind of my mother is generational continuity and quest to keep the family name, our happiness was not taken into consideration at all.
The problem of a childless marriage can not be over emphasized; we suffered severally in the hands of solution-givers who had ways to get our finances. They failed to live up to the expectations or to their promises. In this kind of situation, spending is not budgeted.

You are expected to respond to any recommendation brought- about as a solution to the problem, irrespective of your financial standing. I can not forget what one of the doctors’ who diagnosis my wife told us, that she was having pituitary tumor. But it a wrong diagnosis, because other doctors who later had a more comprehensive diagnosis, found no tumor.
While we’re looking for solutions for conception, we resolved to adopt children who are now part of our family. Initially there we’re oppositions to this idea but when they found out that both myself and my wife we’re not willing to yield to their pressure, it behooves them to accept our proposal, hence that has defeated the initially idea of bringing another woman(second wife) into our home just because we could have children of our own in time.
My advice to couples who find themselves in this kind of situation is that they should tighten their bond of love for one another. There should not be bulk-passing. They should swim-together in the problems that were facing them. Once those opposing them finds out that they were not united in love and not having a common purpose to fighting the raging enemy, they would tear them apart and have their ways. Couples have difficulty in childbearing should making time to exhaust all the medical solutions avail to them.
Men should not stick to their un-compromising attitude, which always brand women as the guilty party in this case. Both of them should submit themselves to medical check-ups/ laboratory diagnosis to one-sided action.
Often time’s women are traumatized on the issue of delayed child-bearing, without checking out the facts of the matter on both sides. While you’re looking for solution do not forget to seek God’s hand to help you,.
If you have further response to this article, please feel free to drop us a few line. Your questions will be welcomed!

Prince Vincent.

Part One!
By prince Vincent

You can be happy in your marriage even if you did not have children. The union of two persons coming together in marriage is because they love each other, which should be uppermost in the hearts of couples.
If marriage is not meant to be enjoyed, then what is the essence of it? Children are the crowing blessing of the union, so if after some years of expecting this crowning blessing and there is no sign of the arrival of children on the board. Then the couple must watch-out for a possible crack in the wall of their marriage. It might not be their own design or in their interest to quarrel of over delayed childbearing, that of the extended interest groups /families. If adequate care is not taken to checkmate issues, things might get-out of hands and hamper their relationship.

Let me ask you this question, if after some years of being in marriage and there is no child. What would be your attitude to the situation? Consider that in your society that won’t be acceptable. Think about every relative being concerned for your sake! How about those who had suddenly become medical advisers’ to the situation? All these people will be breathing down your neck for their supposed grandchildren whom they are expecting from your union etc. The problems of child-less couples differ, from one society/community to another depending on which part of the globe you are.

MY EXPERIENCE

I want to use my case to give you a pip into what obtains, or “what you can call a case-study” and the troubles some couples have been through because they did not have children on time after they got married or did not have at all.
Several marriages have crashed as a result of pressure on the marriage from relatives/extended family members.
Children are precious to family for different reasons. The survival and economic factors of the families is squarely placed on the children. Every family looks forward to their children succeeding them either in their endeavors or linage elongation. So the premium placed on childbearing by families in Africa is so much, and puts pressure on couples especially newly formed ones. Grandparents and relatives are on the lookout for the off-spring of the union.
Since I’m using my wife and I as a case study,
it will be good to start by giving you a beat of my background. I’m the only son of my parents and I’ve been married since May 29th 1992 without a child.

My parents had me at their later age, or (when they had almost lose hope of have a male child) and where also eagerly looking forward to seeing me produce offsprings for the continuity of the family. When I got married, my mother was relieved that it won’t be long before she will carry her grandchildren, also the anxiety of family extinction was taken care of; but their expectations did not come quickly as hoped. As the conception delayed, anxiety started mounting on, to find quicker solution.
There subtle quests for solutions. Every one was worried that no conception has taken place after one year of staying together as husband and wife. My mother summoned my wife to have a chat with her on the issue. On our own, we did not keep quite about the situation knowing fully well the type of environment/ society we have. We started visiting doctors of gynecology to know if there were things we needed to do rightly or doing wrongly. Our parents were not left out of the search for remedy. On their own they went as far as consulting traditional/natural medicine men/women whom by their believes are more knowledgeable and has an effective solution to the matter at hand. Though we tried not to offend them, seeing that all they were interested in, were in our well being, nevertheless, we made sure all the recommended practices did not constitute a sin to our faith. The more years roll-by and there was no sign of conception, the pressure came on us.

Part two;

By Prince Vincent

DECISION TO SUCEED

I said to myself, (Vincent) you must succeed in your marriage, though your parents have failed.  No matter what your parent’s marriage life-styles may be, you must distinguish yourself. My decision to be different from my background helped me to treat these ladies that came my-way or I dated thereafter, with fairness. I treated them like the queens they were in my life. I have never lifted a hand upon a lady, because I swore not to be part of such evil/ ill-treatment. Even right now, when ever I leant of any woman who has been battered by a man, my heart is pained. While I was un-married,
I made lists of matters that would not be part of our marriage, hence I met my wife. I want to testify to the glory of God, that since our marriage in May 29th 1992. We have never fought over any mater (battery), neither have I lifted my hand upon her as to show my masculinity. Yes we had to disagree in some matters but not to the extent of physical assault. I developed a way to express my dis-likes, without causing dis-affection or commotion.
As a man of the family, I remembered when we got married newly; it was not easy for us go to through the process of integration and fussing into one body judging from our different background.
Because I was determined to make my marriage work, so every impediment was resisted with love as a pivot. Take for instance a situation where I had to be the one to plead with my wife, whenever we had misunderstandings, even if she was the one at fault. I realized she was finding it difficult to say “I’m sorry”. But that did not bother me hence I was determined to save my marriage. It was possible that her attitude was as a result of her background. I reasoned that she could be coming from similar background like mine, and may not have taken time to appraise or counsel herself on the matter. Therefore she needs my patience and understanding to make amends.
Some situations wanted me to express a kind of regret in the union, but each time I remembered my resolve to make the difference between my marriage and my parent’s
marriage’ I was motivated.
My advise to couples is that they must be determined to say no” to matters fighting to destroy their marriages. No matter what the marriage counselors would advise, it is in their power to accept or not to accept. The best result comes from what they decided to do with the advise given, One of them must be ready to make the scarifies to succeed. The couple had power of their own to determine what fate holds for their marriage.

At the beginning of my marriage I had challenges of different factors, especially the ones based on some information concerning my background which my wife had pick-up from my kinsmen/family relations.
Some of them intentionally wanted to create bases for crisis in the new union. While some wanted to fore-warn her on what to expect from me, knowing that the off-springs of a leopard’ll not fail to have spot. If you put yourself in the shoe of my wife, tell me, what’ll you do with those various challenging/harmful infomations? Definitely it will impact on your marriage negatively.

Yes you may want to ignore these informatio9ns at first, but if any incident or behaviour from your wife reminds you of those imformations, then she would   play-it-up as a weapon in your hands, which would be injurious to the marriage.
But I knew where the problems we’re coming from; hence I decided to handle the situation with tact. I discussed the matter with my wife open-heartedly on the subject matter, and put all her fears to rest.
I made her my friend to whom I may discuss all things, irrespective of how odd they may be. I gave her first-hand information concerning my family background, so that whatever information she may pick from “poke-nosier” will not be news to her ears any longer.

Your background may be like mine, it is possible you have suffered more consequences than me as result of your parent’s marital style; nevertheless, you can rebuild your marriage today and save yourselves the catastrophe of divorce. You can recreate that fantasy in your heart and make it to work in your marriage.
I’m presently living happily with my wife in marriage, we urge you do all in your powers to put away crisis and put on in its’ entirety, flourishing love. Please feel free to discuss any matter that will help save your marriage with me.

Thanks,

Prince Vincent

Part one

By Prince Vincent

In the context of what I’m discussing, I would wish to define a “home as a nucleus training centre for marriages which produces great effect on the off-springs.
Growing children are always looking -up at their parents as role-models.  While they were growing-up in their families, we assumed that they’re equally under-going an in-house training for marriage.
But whether what they learn will impacts positively or negatively on their marriages in future is a question for another day. Whatever they pick from their parents as marital behaviors will definitely have an influence on them in future. In my case, I indeed went through the same in-house – marriage- training centre. My environment presented me with negative influences, but I should have picked the negative aspect as my behavioral heritage from my parents, since that was what was available to me. But I decided to jettison the marriage behavioral training I pick-up from my parents (family) because it would rather put nail on the coffin of my marriage than to make it work.
I’m going to let you into my background. My parents were not the best couples, but when I became aware of my environment, I realized that the way they were relating to each other we’re far from being friendly and what married life  should look like.
There were incidence of hatred, fighting, battery, and general lack of affection in the home which extended and affected even the children.

My mother was severally manhandled by my father. They could not have been a role model for any anticipating couple, especially a young- star like me, who detested every  ill-treatment to my mother. They had several quarrels caused by minor issues.
I won’t forget in a hurry, how my mother’s head was broken with a burnt-brick (block) by my father just because she asked for money to barbe my hair; that brought the stone crashing upon her head.
She was hospitalized and police was brought into the matter, but our big (extended) family intervened and they sued for peace reconciliation because the off-springs of the union. With all that has happened in my parents’ marriage, it became oblvious that my perception of marriage has been soiled. My young mind was engolfed with fear of what step to take and would not end-up as a failure in marriage like my parents. In my understanding, marriage based on my parents attitude/experience, is bound to fail. I was almost deciding not to be involved in marriage.

On my becoming a man and thinking of getting married or re-considering my earlier stand, the issue of my parents’ relationship became a thing of concern again. Those who knew our family would think that I’m going be a replica of my father in character. Yes, some have already made-up their minds on me, and became advocates/protectors of my would-be wife.
It is not amusing how some people who knew us (our family) went to my- would- be in-laws to inform them of what awaits their daughter, should they allow her to marry me. Some relationships I had, collapsed as result of my parent’s stinking marriage.

This fact threw a challenge to me. I then decided to prove every body wrong, by charting a new course for my life. All the evil behaviors which characterized my parent’s marriage were the things I was determined not be associated with.
I took this decision to prove that I could be whatever I’m determined to, but not what people think I should be. A saying goes that “A leopard can not be without spots”. It has been proven wrong in my case.

Have you ever said this to yourself, ?It seems I can?t do anything right with men.?
Being a responsible person, you work hard at a fulfilling and sometimes demanding job. It?s not that you don?t try to be kind, gracious and patient, but none of that seems to be getting you anywhere. Perhaps the men you date don?t seem to appreciate you or if you?re married it might seem as though your husband seems less interested in your marriage than he did not so long ago.

You?re open to advice, but where should you turn?

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Many women have come to this realization when they say these things, ?The more I try to please him, the more distant he seems to become.?
?When I ask him what?s wrong, he says nothing.?

If you?re a woman who feels frustrated in her relationships, there is good news. You don?t have to try harder, you simply need to know WHAT to try. What you need is a blueprint of what men find captivating in a woman and most likely did in you, as well. ?The Woman Men Adore?and Never Want to Leave,? is a bestselling e-book that shows women exactly how to attract AND keep a man.