We worship it, have love affairs with it, blame it, hate it, dream about it, live for it, pray for more of it, sacrifice our families for it, hand over control of our lives for it,
and wind up in bondage to it. It is our best friend and our worst enemy.


Money matters in a marriage relationship. Money may be an inanimate object, but we attach great emotional significance to it. Money only becomes our friend if we as a couple learn to partner around the decisions related to money. One of the prerequisites for partnering in the matter of money is an understanding of the meaning of money to each of us.

I, remembered earlier in our marriage when took a financial decision which my wife still remembers today. I was offered a car to purchase by a client, when I consulted my wife she was not in support of our buying a second car. But reason being that it is high class car which will make people around and our relations think that we have arrived financially. By so doing, it will attract un-necessary attention to us.
Personally I wanted the car hence my wife did not, for obvious reasons.
I play the card of the head of family and bread winner of the family; she gave in to my fantancies.

When the car started developing faults frequently, it became a financial burden on the family. I did not have the pleasure to share it with her, knowing fully well that she would talk back at me, “reminding me what her position was.” How I went ahead without considering that she objected.
Most times couples have contrary interest in what is needed to be purchased by family. Priority can be viewed from different angles. Some wives may see the purchases made by their spouse as extravagant; some men have hobbies and passions that are at variance with the family well-being

Module 3: Save The Marriage Core Component
This is the core of the system. You will find section after section telling you the real secret of marriage, what gets in the way, and how to move your marriage toward what you want.
The results of my research, experiments and testing are here for you to discover. All you have to do is read, complete the exercises, and apply it to your marriage. The rest takes care of itself!
This is the third module because the first module gets you out of harm’s way, the second module gets you moving toward recover, then this module helps you understand why your marriage was failing and treats the root cause, not just the symptoms.

Module 2: Quick-Start Guide To Saving Your Marriage
I have taken my Stage Of Crisis Diagnosis and converted it into a very powerful module that will help you to establish EXACTLY which stage of crisis your marriage is currently in.

It will then prescribe a path to recovery based on that particular stage.

This report will make your efforts immediately effective!

This will be the next stop in your marriage recovery, so that you have a “roa

Greater Self-Preservation

Because you’re now living with a “villain,” the protective walls go up quickly, and you make them as thick as possible. You begin to watch every move your spouse makes with heightened suspicion. You believe your cry for love will be rejected because your spouse can’t possibly love you in return. It becomes just too dangerous to open yourself up like that. You become more exhausted, empty, and expect to live in eternal vigilance.
Whatever spontaneity was left in your marriage drains away.
But the assault on joy can come from another direction too. When in distress people often default to their strength. If they’re organized. They begin to organize everything. If they’re gregarious, they forget their responsibilities altogether. And when that happens, those little characteristics they found so endearing in their mates, they now hate.
This leads to more needs not being met, which leads us back to step one in the negative cycle, which is increased distancing and polarization.

Cycling Back Again

Each time we cycle through this negative cycle, disaffection grows and the secret resentment locked in our heart intensifies. The fight left in us turns to a strong desire to take flight to just leave.
As the cycle of disaffection grinds on, within it develops a response, which only feeds the complains, and the complaint is ignored, the offended partner may begin to sulk-sulking being a way of calling attention to the pain without saying anything about it. When the sulking is ignored, then come the accusations.
People don’t actually believe these accusations, at least the reasonable part of them doesn’t. They are just trying to get a reaction. The spouse wants to hear, “Of course I want you to be happy.” When he or she doesn’t hear an affirmation like that, and it is, in fact ignore again, and then come the threats. You want me unhappy? I’ll show you unhappy. You just wait.”
This growing problem of disaffection is like is like a death grip. But it’s not just a steady walk away from love, it involves hurt, distancing, hurt again, more distancing. It’s a pattern of clearly definable behaviors that spiral back on themselves, each time becoming more sever and more destructive. It’s like quicksand. The more you struggle to pull yourself out of the hole and subsequently get rejected, the more easily discouraged and tired you become. Before long, you become “islands of me,” where one cries for love but no one sees the pain or hears the cry for affection. That isn’t to say there’s no way out. It does mean, however, that battling with one another to somehow stop the marital decline only seems to make things worse.

Breaking the Cycle and Coming out of the Pain

If you detect your relationship sliding down this destructive, predictable cycle, immediately seek help from a Christian marriage counselor and extricate yourself. If you don’t seek help, your natural emotional survival skills will take over. When that happens you’ll continue to experience a downward spiral spiritually, emotionally, and physically-one that will eventually overwhelm your marriage and require you to work harder and harder just to stay even, And eventually, the vitality that God has put in your marriage will simply die.
Losing at love is a horrible thing to experience. It is made even more so by the possibility that it could all be avoided with a commitment to break the cycle and return to the love God wants for you and your mate. Your marriage should be filled more joy than sorrow. God wants you to have more warmth than indifference, more love than anger.
The pathway out of pain will involve at least these four ingredients:

1. Empathy

The most significant first step in getting beyond your pain is stepping back from the marriage and honestly looking at how you lost at love in your marriage. Could it be that your spouse is hurting too? That doesn’t mean he or she isn’t to blame for what’s happening, at least to some degree, but just maybe you both very subtly, even unintentionally, lost sight of each other. You started to drift apart and then life just got out of control. If so, why not turn to Psalm 139 and ask God to search your heart to see if there is any wicked way in you and ask him to do a new work in your life. Sure you’ll need to keep in place healthy boundaries, but you can begin a new by simply asking God to help you be defined as a person of love and begin to exhibit the behaviour of love ( see 1 cor.13) The God of Hosea knows betrayal (see Hosea 11: 1-11). He knows heartbreak, and he is there for you even now. Trust his heart and remember that your marriage is to be built on a spiritual foundation.

2. Safety

For positive changes to begin to take place, each spouse needs to feel safe. Creating a place of safety is crucial to reduce the pain and to allow the feelings of love to flow again.
It takes about five positives to counteract one negative experience, even one hurtful word in marriage. You can increase the ratio of positive to negative by cutting back on the negatives. Stop the yelling, nagging, badgering. Be judicious with your words and actions. First Peter 3:8-9(NKJV) reminds us that in our relationships we are to “be tenderhearted, be courteous; not returning evil for evil…but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing.” These are sound principles for how to treat our spouse.

3. Affection

This is not just “You know I love you, baby,” but these are to be clear demonstrations of love in ways that your partner likes to be loved. Ask yourself:

1. How do I show love to my spouse?
2. How does my spouse show love to me?
3. How would I like to be loved by my spouse?

Now, have your spouse do the same thing compare notes and make changes in your behaviour so that you are doing the things that communicate love. Just saying “I love you” is never enough. You have to be sure that your spouse knows, and receives your love.

4. Forgiveness

As long as the two of you are alive you are going to have to work through times of heartache and disappointment. The oil of forgiveness is the only way you will survive. Forgiveness involves both forgiving and asking for forgiveness. Someone might be thinking,” I can’t forgive.” Ephesians 4:32 (NKJV) has helped us get over that hurdle. Paul tells us to “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forging one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. There is nothing that God can not forgive through Jesus Christ. So based on the facy that God has forgiven you in Christ, There is nothing you can’t forgive because you have been forgiven so much.

Forgiveness is always my responsibility, even as I have been wronged. It means canceling a debt. That’s something I do within myself. Don’t confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. That takes two people. When I choose to forgive, it frees me to love.

Conclusion

Ultimately, the marriage you’ve always wanted will only come as you heed Psalm 127:1 (NASB), “Unless the LORD builds the house, they labour in vain who build it.” Spiritual intimacy is not about changing your spouse and demanding vulnerability. It will begin to flow as the two of you just simply seek to embrace the heart of God in your marriage.

Questions to Discuss

· 1. How have you handled conflict in your marriage? What concerns you most about the way you the way you typically handle conflict?
· 2. What are the expectations you brought to your marriage? Are any of them similar to the false expectations described in this chapter? What good expectations did you bring to the marriages that are now being met?
· 3. What strategies have you used in your marriage that has successfully stopped, or broken, negative cycle?
· 4. Talk together about ways you can increase the affection in your marriage. What does your spouse consider to be meaningful ways to experience affection?
Please use the above questions to evaluate your marriage situation. If you response to this article, please feel free to write us. We shall be willing to render further assistance to you, saving your marriage for the better.

Module 1: The ‘Top Five Things NOT To Do When
Your Partner Wants Out’ Report
If your partner has told you that they “want out,” you must read this module!
This is the starting point in the process, so that you do not continue to do damage to your chances.
Your “natural” reactions during this critical stage of your marriage crisis are, usually, wrong.
This report will help you to avoid the top 5 mistakes that most people make in this situation.
Making the wrong decision during this stage could make things worse…much worse!

If you are willing to make your marriage work, then you must endeavour to answer these under listed soul- searching questionnaire. Our idea for putting these forward is to enable you make-up where necessary in your marriage.

· How do I make my marriage a priority
· Can he trust me? Do I hold personal information in confidence? (E.g. don’t tell my close friends his private thoughts if he wants me to keep them confidential.)
· How can I make meeting his sexual needs more of a priority?
· How can make self more attractive to him? Get rid of the nightly face cream? Change out of my pajamas or sweats before he arrives home from work? Do my hair on weekends?
· Are the two us unified in how we view spending habits? Domestic responsibilities
· How can I develop my potentials for God’s glory, fully using my gifts and talents so that he is married to a godly, interesting woman? (According to one survey, the greatest cause of stress is undeveloped potential; certainly, a significant cause of depression in women is undeveloped potential.)
· Do I speak well of him or do I refer to him in public as Boss Hogg?
· Do I withhold trust from him even in areas where he has proved himself trustworthy? (Talking with other women, spending habits, etc.)
· Am I warm and supportive of him? Do I affirm his strengths and gifts?
· How can I be more fun to be with?
· Does my attitude of submission toward my husband reflect the relationship of the church to Christ?
· Do I demonstrate a gentle, quiet spirit?
· If someone were to ask my husband, would he be able to say honestly, “Being with this woman strengthens my relationship with the Lord”? Could he say, “I have seen the heart of Christ in her “?

Please list four your husband’s most admirable traits

 
At marriage seminars we have surveyed women, asking what helps put them “in the mood.” Here’s what they said:
·                    Do all these things during the day, not Just at night:
·                    Be attentive when I talk.
·                    Show interest in what’s going on with me through conversation and thoughtfulness.
·                    Provide me with lots of emotional/verbal communication.
·                    Don’t focus constantly on “downer” circumstances at work.
·                    Compliment me during the day on both inner and outer beauty.
·                    Say affectionate things.
·                    Avoid barbed comments.
·                    Give or mail me a love note–personal romantic thoughts from the heart.
·                    Take me out to dinner.
·                    Hire a babysitter.
·                    Brush my hair.
·                    Give me a massage.
·                    Take me out once a week.
·                    Hold hands with me.
·                    Walk together outside.
·                    Pray with me – more than just the dinner blessing.
·                    Slow dance with me. You don’t need lessons; just hug me to music.
·                    Watch romantic movies. Yes, these are chick flicks. You married a “chick.”
·                    Have candlelight dinners at home – no waiter to interrupt.
·                    Share personal romantic thought from the heart.
·                    Take weekend getaways at least once a year.
·                    Make a big deal of our anniversary.
·                    Tell me what you find romantic. Beach? Mountains? Dirt biking?
·                    Kiss me for real, not just little pecks, puckers, or air kisses.
·                    Hug for real. Go for the full face -to-face deal.
·                    Take your time at foreplay. God did not give us all this skin for nothing
·                    Talk to me about what you want during sex.
If men could put the above things into practice, they will have sure blissful relationship.
 
 
 
 

Appreciating the In-laws

Realizing what you can and can’t do is the first step. The second step is to work at better understanding and appreciating your in-laws. When you identify specific areas you need to address, you must come up with your own game plan.
Relationships are fluid and ever-changing. We hope the following suggestions will help your in-laws relationships change for the better positive change can begin in several ways. It can begin with a new idea, and we want to suggest several new ideas for loving your in-laws that may be you haven’t considered before.
Change can begin with a change in attitude, and change also occurs through actions, so we’ll tell you some things you can do right now to really love your in-laws.

Find the Comfort Zone between Intimacy and Distance

When we asked, “What is your best advice for building healthy in-law relationships?” we received the same answer from four different countries! Two simple words “Stay away!” This wasn’t the answer we were expecting, but it gave us a clue to one big dilemma in in-law relationships. In-laws have difficulty finding the comfort zone between intimacy and distance.
Picture a seesaw with intimacy on one end and distance on the other. What you want to do is find the appropriate balance in your relationship.
It is a continual balancing act, and it’s easy to get off balance. The changes in life create the need to continually adjust that balance. Some families enjoy getting together each Sunday for dinner, while others say, “Isn’t it great that we get to see our parents and in-laws several times a year?”
There are so many factors: where you live, children, jobs, and financial resources. This is one area where you simply have to find what works for you. The more in-laws you add, the more complicated relationships become. You can’t be as intimate with everyone as you can with your own spouse and children.
Then you need to evaluate your expectations. Mary, a new mom, told us how she felt when she was in the hospital when her first child was born. She loved all the attention she received during her pregnancy. The baby arrived. It was great fun when all the family came to the hospital to visit her and to see the baby, but then they all said good bye and went out to eat together. She was left alone in her hospital room with her new baby while everyone else was celebrating at her favorite restaurant! She felt more distance at this point than she wanted to feel. Then, in the following weeks, both her mother and mother in-law were continually around to give a helping hand. Their motives were great, but at this point Mary just wanted a little space. It’s hard to find the balance between being too involved and bot being involved enough? and how do you deal with a mother- in-law(sorry, not trying to pick on mothers-in-law, but this is an occupational hazard for mothers who love and care for their adult kids and spouses) who wants to be overly involved in your life? Here are some suggested ways to find that comfort zone:

1 Think about the past. How did your p[parents or in-laws relate to their own parents and in-laws? They simply nay be repeating the pattern that was modeled for them.
2 Talk it out with your parents and in-laws.
3 One couple asked each set of parents, what does it take to make you feel comfortable with us?
4 One mother-in-law answered, “I need to feel included.” Another said,” I need some time alone away from people.”
5 Share your own feelings. Talk openly about holidays and try to work out a compromise before hand that everyone can live with.

Realize you’re not in the same season of life

To simply admit that you are in different seasons of life is a great starting place for better understanding and appreciating your in-laws. Try to look at life from your parents’ and in-laws’ perspective. Your goals are probably very different. Nowhere does this manifest itself more than in family-owned businesses .The younger generation is ready to dig in, work hard, and invest in the future by expanding the company’s base of business. The older generation’s desire may be to wind down, take the profits, kick back, and enjoy life. You may not be involved in a family business, but you may find your goals are just as different as those who are. It helps to try understanding both sides-your situation and that of your parents and in-l-aw. Work at developing the attitude, “I will seek to understand my parents’ and in-laws’ goals and try to understand life from their perspective.
Intentionally look at life from your parents’ or in-laws’ point of view.
Don’t complain about how hectic your life is, Believe me, its all relative.
Become educated about your parents’ or in-laws new challenges
For example, when a parent or in-law is retiring or changing careers, take an interest.

Find Things in Common.

To help develop a sense of belonging, look for things you have in common. Everyone has to eat, so food is one shared interest. One daughter -in-law shares her experience:

When my mother-in-law came to visit I didn’t know what to do since we really don’t have very much in common, so I suggested we learn a new recipe together (She loves to cook so that seemed to be a natural.) Together we made a casserole, and it was a total flop. I learned how clever my mother-in-law was. To make the dried-out rice and vegetable casserole edible, she simple melted a stick of butter and poured it over the casserole. Voila’ It tasted great! Since then I’ve resorted to the butter treatment for turkey dressing that’s too dry. It definitely improves the flavor

If only all in-law relationships could be improved by melting a stick of butter, unfortunately, it’s not that simple, but you can look for things you have in common or could have in common. For instance, years ago when our boys were growing up, one Christmas we all got Austrian wool bedroom slippers. They were so toasty and warm that we continued the tradition over the years. When one pair wore out, we simply replaced them with a new pair. We gave them to our parents for Christmas one year, and when one of our sons was married in Austria, the tradition was extended to our daughter-in-law. It’s nice to know our feet all look alike.
Another time I (Claudia) gave each couple as well as our parents a homemade cookbook of our family’s favorite recipes, including Grandmother Arp’s pumpkin pie, my mom’s molasses cookies, Aunt Myrtle’s coconut cake, and my favorite cheese fondue recipe.

Host a dinner party together. Its’ fun to cook together. Try new recipes.
Choose family project, at your house or theirs, such as wall-papering a room or putting up
Shelving” in a closet. Do it togather.Take a vacation together. Once we went to Disneyworld
With Claudia’s parents. It wasn’t their first choice of places to visit, but the grandkids loved
Disney World and getting to experience it with their grandparents. We all built great
Memories.
Play games together. Some of our favorites are Scattergories, Balderdash, Trivial Pursuit,
and Dictionary.

Plan Realistically for Family Visits.

Each year we get several Christmas cards from families who look like they are right out of the “Supper Family Fairy Tale” Everyone is dressed alike and everyone is smiling. We admire them, but a picture like that just isn’t realistic for us. Every one in our family is so different we would never agree on what to wear!
Even if we could pull off such a picture, it wouldn’t reflect reality.
We’re just happy when we get together and there are no major crises. Please don’t misunderstand. We love it when we all can get together especially when we resist adopting unrealistic expectations.
So before your next family-get together, evaluate your expectations. One survey participatant wrote, when I go home I feel like I’m fifteen years old again and must comply with my parent’s wishes even at the expense of my relationship with my spouse.
From the parents’ side, we can tell you from our own experiences in the early days of adjusting to in-laws that it was easy for us to land back in the” parents” slot suddenly it was as if we had been teenagers again . So it works both ways. One mother-in-law wrote,” When our married kids come back to visit, we’re all adults for the first fifteen minutes. As the visit progresses, they regress, and we get put back into the parent role. Not fun”
When you get togather, ask, what’s the lowest common denominator?
Then adjust your expectations.
We also have discovered over the years that when we are together as a big extended family. we tend to talk more about the children and surface issues. So we don’t go with big expectations of deep conversation. Instead, we reserve those times for when we are with only one family. So we suggest developing the attitude of willingly putting aside your expectations and looking for ways to enhance your time together with your extended family.
Whatever your situation as family get-together, there will some things that never change and other things that over time can improve. It helps tremendously if you can have more realistic and accepting attitude toward these family times. There are so many variables and so many personalities involved, often you just have to go with the flow.
Realize its okay to have some conflict, disagreement, and expression of feelings, but there are some things you can do to cope.
Here are some ways to facilitate happy family gatherings;

Consider a neutral location. Suggest a cabin in the mountain or a condo at the beach.
Spend time beforehand thinking through the upcoming time Together.
Make a list of things you c an do ahead of time.
Cook ahead
Realize that you can’t control other people.
During the family get-together, take time for yourself.Read a book. Take nap.
Get away from every one for a couple of hours-it will help your perspective!
Get some exercise. Walk around the block.
Let every one help out in the kitchen. Ask for help if no one volunteers.
Be ready with family activities for those who want something to do.
Plan a hike or a golf outing, rent a couple of favorite black and white videos or DVDs, or
pull out some puzzle or a few fun favorite games.
Choose to serve your parents and in-laws. They will love you for it!

Stay in Touch

Keep in tough through letters, videos, e-mails, and phone calls. One extended family adopted a family website where each family could post and download pictures. One survey participant wrote-mail works really well-everyone gets the same message at the same time.” Another participant responded, “We publish humorous biweekly family newsletter. Contributions are solicited from all. It is called The Latest Dope and has a Latest Dope Award’ in each issue”. Another person wrote, “My first cousin compiled a book of fairy stories. Everyone who wanted to could submit stories. Then he printed out a copy for each family”
A tip from grandparents; Grandparents love getting artwork from grandchildren or newspaper clippings about special awards, and, of course, we all love getting pictures-you simply can’t send too many! If your parents and in-laws have voice mail, when they aren’t available to answer the phone, encourage your children to leave personal messages. We kept one message from a three-year-old grandson on our voice mail for weeks. Each time we listened to his robust laugh, we laughed and felt loved!

Here are some ways to stay in touch.

Pick up the phone and call to say hello.
Send e-mails and pictures.
Encourage your children to stay in touch with their grandparents.
Start a family web site or a family e-mail newsletter.

Remember That You Have at Least One Thing in Common

One daughter-in-law related how she tried for twenty years to relate to her mother-in-law but never felt accepted or respected. After twenty years, her mother-in-law finally began to come around, and today they have a pleasant relationship. If you are the daughter-in-law struggling with a mother-in-law who is totally different from you, you can help build mutual respect by remembering what you have in common-you both love your spouse and it won’t take twenty years to build a relationship. Then look for other things you have in common. You may be surprised by what you find. Remember that whatever your differences, you both love the same person. Let us encourage you to concentrate on what you have in common, not on areas where you disagree.
It’s your choice. You can concentrate on the positive things you see in your in-law, or you can dwell on the negative. Why not take a few minutes and make a list of all the positive traits you can think of that describe your in-law. You may even admire some of the ways he or she is totally different from you. Each person is unique, and it’s up to you to appreciate that uniqueness, especially when it comes to your in-laws.

Here are some ways to build respect and find things in common.
1 Compliment your in-law in the presence of your mate.
2 Make a list of your in-law’s positive qualities.
3 Make a list of ways you are different that give variety to your family tree.
4 List your spouse’s good qualities he or she got from your in-laws.

Accept Love where you find it

With your in-laws learn to accept love where you find it. Not all grandparents are grandchildren friendly.” Not all in-laws look for ways to encourage you in your marriage-like offering to keep the kids. Not all relatives are sensitive to your needs. So give up expectations and accept love in whatever form it is offered. When the phone rings, whether its’ that long awaited call offering to keep your kids for a weekend for your getaway or a call telling you they’ve booked a cruise for themselves, accept them and love them. You can always be thankful if your parents and/or in-laws are still married and love each other enough to cruise together!
Again to really love and appreciate your in-laws, expect nothing and accept love where you find it. Oh yes, one other tip; Start your own list now of how you would like to relate to your children as adults-and to your grandchildren. And don’t forget that occasional cruise just for the two of you! Thanks for visiting our website.Feel free to comment on the articles you read on this site we would be glad to hear from.Cheers.

Penix

Appreciating the In-laws

Realizing what you can and can’t do is the first step. The second step is to work at better understanding and appreciating your in-laws. When you identify specific areas you need to address, you must come up with your own game plan.
Relationships are fluid and ever-changing. We hope the following suggestions will help your in-laws relationships change for the better positive change can begin in several ways. It can begin with a new idea, and we want to suggest several new ideas for loving your in-laws that may be you haven’t considered before.
Change can begin with a change in attitude, and change also occurs through actions, so we’ll tell you some things you can do right now to really love your in-laws.

Find the Comfort Zone between Intimacy and Distance

When we asked, “What is your best advice for building healthy in-law relationships?” we received the same answer from four different countries! Two simple words “Stay away!” This wasn’t the answer we were expecting, but it gave us a clue to one big dilemma in in-law relationships. In-laws have difficulty finding the comfort zone between intimacy and distance.
Picture a seesaw with intimacy on one end and distance on the other. What you want to do is find the appropriate balance in your relationship.
It is a continual balancing act, and it’s easy to get off balance. The changes in life create the need to continually adjust that balance. Some families enjoy getting together each Sunday for dinner, while others say, “Isn’t it great that we get to see our parents and in-laws several times a year?”
There are so many factors: where you live, children, jobs, and financial resources. This is one area where you simply have to find what works for you. The more in-laws you add, the more complicated relationships become. You can’t be as intimate with everyone as you can with your own spouse and children.
Then you need to evaluate your expectations. Mary, a new mom, told us how she felt when she was in the hospital when her first child was born. She loved all the attention she received during her pregnancy. The baby arrived. It was great fun when all the family came to the hospital to visit her and to see the baby, but then they all said good bye and went out to eat together. She was left alone in her hospital room with her new baby while everyone else was celebrating at her favorite restaurant! She felt more distance at this point than she wanted to feel. Then, in the following weeks, both her mother and mother in-law were continually around to give a helping hand. Their motives were great, but at this point Mary just wanted a little space. It’s hard to find the balance between being too involved and bot being involved enough? and how do you deal with a mother- in-law(sorry, not trying to pick on mothers-in-law, but this is an occupational hazard for mothers who love and care for their adult kids and spouses) who wants to be overly involved in your life? Here are some suggested ways to find that comfort zone:

1 Think about the past. How did your p[parents or in-laws relate to their own parents and in-laws? They simply nay be repeating the pattern that was modeled for them.
2 Talk it out with your parents and in-laws.
3 One couple asked each set of parents, what does it take to make you feel comfortable with us?
4 One mother-in-law answered, “I need to feel included.” Another said,” I need some time alone away from people.”
5 Share your own feelings. Talk openly about holidays and try to work out a compromise before hand that everyone can live with.

Realize you’re not in the same season of life

To simply admit that you are in different seasons of life is a great starting place for better understanding and appreciating your in-laws. Try to look at life from your parents’ and in-laws’ perspective. Your goals are probably very different. Nowhere does this manifest itself more than in family-owned businesses .The younger generation is ready to dig in, work hard, and invest in the future by expanding the company’s base of business. The older generation’s desire may be to wind down, take the profits, kick back, and enjoy life. You may not be involved in a family business, but you may find your goals are just as different as those who are. It helps to try understanding both sides-your situation and that of your parents and in-l-aw. Work at developing the attitude, “I will seek to understand my parents’ and in-laws’ goals and try to understand life from their perspective.
Intentionally look at life from your parents’ or in-laws’ point of view.
Don’t complain about how hectic your life is, Believe me, its all relative.
Become educated about your parents’ or in-laws new challenges
For example, when a parent or in-law is retiring or changing careers, take an interest.

Find Things in Common.

To help develop a sense of belonging, look for things you have in common. Everyone has to eat, so food is one shared interest. One daughter -in-law shares her experience:

When my mother-in-law came to visit I didn’t know what to do since we really don’t have very much in common, so I suggested we learn a new recipe together (She loves to cook so that seemed to be a natural.) Together we made a casserole, and it was a total flop. I learned how clever my mother-in-law was. To make the dried-out rice and vegetable casserole edible, she simple melted a stick of butter and poured it over the casserole. Voila’ It tasted great! Since then I’ve resorted to the butter treatment for turkey dressing that’s too dry. It definitely improves the flavor

If only all in-law relationships could be improved by melting a stick of butter, unfortunately, it’s not that simple, but you can look for things you have in common or could have in common. For instance, years ago when our boys were growing up, one Christmas we all got Austrian wool bedroom slippers. They were so toasty and warm that we continued the tradition over the years. When one pair wore out, we simply replaced them with a new pair. We gave them to our parents for Christmas one year, and when one of our sons was married in Austria, the tradition was extended to our daughter-in-law. It’s nice to know our feet all look alike.
Another time I (Claudia) gave each couple as well as our parents a homemade cookbook of our family’s favorite recipes, including Grandmother Arp’s pumpkin pie, my mom’s molasses cookies, Aunt Myrtle’s coconut cake, and my favorite cheese fondue recipe.

Host a dinner party together. Its’ fun to cook together. Try new recipes.
Choose family project, at your house or theirs, such as wall-papering a room or putting up
Shelving” in a closet. Do it togather.Take a vacation together. Once we went to Disneyworld
With Claudia’s parents. It wasn’t their first choice of places to visit, but the grandkids loved
Disney World and getting to experience it with their grandparents. We all built great
Memories.
Play games together. Some of our favorites are Scattergories, Balderdash, Trivial Pursuit,
and Dictionary.

Plan Realistically for Family Visits.

Each year we get several Christmas cards from families who look like they are right out of the “Supper Family Fairy Tale” Everyone is dressed alike and everyone is smiling. We admire them, but a picture like that just isn’t realistic for us. Every one in our family is so different we would never agree on what to wear!
Even if we could pull off such a picture, it wouldn’t reflect reality.
We’re just happy when we get together and there are no major crises. Please don’t misunderstand. We love it when we all can get together especially when we resist adopting unrealistic expectations.
So before your next family-get together, evaluate your expectations. One survey participatant wrote, when I go home I feel like I’m fifteen years old again and must comply with my parent’s wishes even at the expense of my relationship with my spouse.
From the parents’ side, we can tell you from our own experiences in the early days of adjusting to in-laws that it was easy for us to land back in the” parents” slot suddenly it was as if we had been teenagers again . So it works both ways. One mother-in-law wrote,” When our married kids come back to visit, we’re all adults for the first fifteen minutes. As the visit progresses, they regress, and we get put back into the parent role. Not fun”
When you get togather, ask, what’s the lowest common denominator?
Then adjust your expectations.
We also have discovered over the years that when we are together as a big extended family. we tend to talk more about the children and surface issues. So we don’t go with big expectations of deep conversation. Instead, we reserve those times for when we are with only one family. So we suggest developing the attitude of willingly putting aside your expectations and looking for ways to enhance your time together with your extended family.
Whatever your situation as family get-together, there will some things that never change and other things that over time can improve. It helps tremendously if you can have more realistic and accepting attitude toward these family times. There are so many variables and so many personalities involved, often you just have to go with the flow.
Realize its okay to have some conflict, disagreement, and expression of feelings, but there are some things you can do to cope.
Here are some ways to facilitate happy family gatherings;

Consider a neutral location. Suggest a cabin in the mountain or a condo at the beach.
Spend time beforehand thinking through the upcoming time Together.
Make a list of things you c an do ahead of time.
Cook ahead
Realize that you can’t control other people.
During the family get-together, take time for yourself.Read a book. Take nap.
Get away from every one for a couple of hours-it will help your perspective!
Get some exercise. Walk around the block.
Let every one help out in the kitchen. Ask for help if no one volunteers.
Be ready with family activities for those who want something to do.
Plan a hike or a golf outing, rent a couple of favorite black and white videos or DVDs, or
pull out some puzzle or a few fun favorite games.
Choose to serve your parents and in-laws. They will love you for it!

Stay in Touch

Keep in tough through letters, videos, e-mails, and phone calls. One extended family adopted a family website where each family could post and download pictures. One survey participant wrote-mail works really well-everyone gets the same message at the same time.” Another participant responded, “We publish humorous biweekly family newsletter. Contributions are solicited from all. It is called The Latest Dope and has a Latest Dope Award’ in each issue”. Another person wrote, “My first cousin compiled a book of fairy stories. Everyone who wanted to could submit stories. Then he printed out a copy for each family”
A tip from grandparents; Grandparents love getting artwork from grandchildren or newspaper clippings about special awards, and, of course, we all love getting pictures-you simply can’t send too many! If your parents and in-laws have voice mail, when they aren’t available to answer the phone, encourage your children to leave personal messages. We kept one message from a three-year-old grandson on our voice mail for weeks. Each time we listened to his robust laugh, we laughed and felt loved!

Here are some ways to stay in touch.

Pick up the phone and call to say hello.
Send e-mails and pictures.
Encourage your children to stay in touch with their grandparents.
Start a family web site or a family e-mail newsletter.

Remember That You Have at Least One Thing in Common

One daughter-in-law related how she tried for twenty years to relate to her mother-in-law but never felt accepted or respected. After twenty years, her mother-in-law finally began to come around, and today they have a pleasant relationship. If you are the daughter-in-law struggling with a mother-in-law who is totally different from you, you can help build mutual respect by remembering what you have in common-you both love your spouse and it won’t take twenty years to build a relationship. Then look for other things you have in common. You may be surprised by what you find. Remember that whatever your differences, you both love the same person. Let us encourage you to concentrate on what you have in common, not on areas where you disagree.
It’s your choice. You can concentrate on the positive things you see in your in-law, or you can dwell on the negative. Why not take a few minutes and make a list of all the positive traits you can think of that describe your in-law. You may even admire some of the ways he or she is totally different from you. Each person is unique, and it’s up to you to appreciate that uniqueness, especially when it comes to your in-laws.

Here are some ways to build respect and find things in common.
1 Compliment your in-law in the presence of your mate.
2 Make a list of your in-law’s positive qualities.
3 Make a list of ways you are different that give variety to your family tree.
4 List your spouse’s good qualities he or she got from your in-laws.

Accept Love where you find it

With your in-laws learn to accept love where you find it. Not all grandparents are grandchildren friendly.” Not all in-laws look for ways to encourage you in your marriage-like offering to keep the kids. Not all relatives are sensitive to your needs. So give up expectations and accept love in whatever form it is offered. When the phone rings, whether its’ that long awaited call offering to keep your kids for a weekend for your getaway or a call telling you they’ve booked a cruise for themselves, accept them and love them. You can always be thankful if your parents and/or in-laws are still married and love each other enough to cruise together!
Again to really love and appreciate your in-laws, expect nothing and accept love where you find it. Oh yes, one other tip; Start your own list now of how you would like to relate to your children as adults-and to your grandchildren. And don’t forget that occasional cruise just for the two of you! Thanks for visiting our website.Feel free to comment on the articles you read on this site we would be glad to hear from.Cheers.

Penix

And the two will become one flesh!

The Plan for sexual intimacy is awesome beyond description. Sexual union can communicate our love and oneness in ways that words are simply inadequate to express. But sexual conflict and violations can also do unspeakable harm. There is perhaps no other pain a husband or wife can inflict upon their partner that cuts so deeply as a strike at their sexuality.
There are several areas in which sexual intimacy can be threatened.
It is beyond the scope of this chapter to address any of these in much details, but a brief overview can alert you to the problems most commonly experienced and should encourage you to do further reading or seek help if any of these begin to rob your intimacy.

Frequency

One of the first areas of disagreement often encountered is the desired frequency of lovemaking. We have been interviewing marriage partners separately and heard one husband complain,”She hardly ever wants to have sex!” The wife complained, “All he wants to do is have sex” Obviously these two have differing desires for frequency. There can be many reasons for low sexual desire, or for an overly active sex drive, from pain disorders and medication reactions to past sexual abuse and sexual addictions. Both partners must be very careful with the other’s feelings and must continue to talk openly about their differing preferences until they arrive at an agreeable arrangement or seek help.
Many spouses, and even well-intentioned pastors and counselors, have quoted {1 Corinthians 7:5} about not withholding ourselves from each other as a means of forcing a partner into compliance. This can be a gross misuse of God’s Word and a overly simplistic means of addressing an often complex issue. We urge couples to seek professional Christian counseling or notable marriage counselors if they are unable to arrive at a mutually agreeable and satisfying frequency of lovemaking.

“Sex Hurts”

One of the possible reasons for low sexual desire is pain during intercourse-acute, diffuse, consistent, periodic, stabbing, burning, aching, pulling, etc. There can be many reasons for experiencing pain, but they absolutely must be dealt with. The mantras of the athletic world don’t apply to sexual relations; you don’t “play through the pain.”You don’t “just do it. God designed us to be pain-avoiding creatures, and if pain begins to be associated with sexual intercourse, we will quickly develop a natural and very powerful aversion to it. Most complaints of pain can be dealt with effectively once the cause is identified, so an evaluation by a Christian sex therapist, gynecologist is always a wise step. Don’t try to ignore it or tell yourself,”It’s all in my head.” It’s not likely to go away on its own.

Have you ever said this to yourself, ?It seems I can?t do anything right with men.?
Being a responsible person, you work hard at a fulfilling and sometimes demanding job. It?s not that you don?t try to be kind, gracious and patient, but none of that seems to be getting you anywhere. Perhaps the men you date don?t seem to appreciate you or if you?re married it might seem as though your husband seems less interested in your marriage than he did not so long ago.

You?re open to advice, but where should you turn?

If you can relate to this, there is good news. A wonderful book called, ?The Woman Men Adore?and Never Want to Leave,? will show you exactly the characteristics that men find irresistible in a woman. The good news is that these are things that ANY woman can apply. But there is one word of warning. These insights are powerful and might seem unconventional to a woman because they were designed by a man, to affect men. Please remember this rule: What works with women does not work with men.

Many women have come to this realization when they say these things, ?The more I try to please him, the more distant he seems to become.?
?When I ask him what?s wrong, he says nothing.?

If you?re a woman who feels frustrated in her relationships, there is good news. You don?t have to try harder, you simply need to know WHAT to try. What you need is a blueprint of what men find captivating in a woman and most likely did in you, as well. ?The Woman Men Adore?and Never Want to Leave,? is a bestselling e-book that shows women exactly how to attract AND keep a man.