Triggering of past Sexual Abuse Memories

We store memory in all five of our senses as well as in our cognitive mind. For many people who have been sexually abused, or even those who have had sexual experiences they might not consider to have been abuse per se, a triggering effect can occur when they begin to be sexual with their spouse. Although their mind tells them, “This is okay. This is good. This is not like the other things that have happened,” their senses may react to the sensory cues and override their will. When this occurs, their bodies will not respond properly, and they may become angry with themselves, or worse yet their spouse may become angry, adding to their negative paring.
Pairing of stimuli with sexual cues, whether as a turn-on or a turnoff, is a natural process and can be addressed quite effectively. Once again, though, it is not something that is likely to get better on its own. If a person is experiencing these reactions, he or she should avail himself or herself of Christian resources for sexual abuse recovery, attend a support group, or seek out a professional Christian counselor skilled in sexual abuse work. The important thing is to be proactive rather than allowing your body to continue to be reactive, sabotaging both the beauty of what God has given you as well as the healing he has waiting for you.

Difficulty with Orgasm

There are many possible reasons for experiencing difficulty with orgasm, and this is another issue couples need to discuss openly and address pro actively if it is a struggle. It may be tempting to say,”It’s not that important. i don’t mind. I still enjoy being together,”but the experience of both partners being able to achieve climax fairly regularly (though not necessarily simultaneously) is deeply bonding and well worth the embarrassment and work  that may be required to attain it.
It has been said that as much as 80 percent of sex therapy is sex education.We don’t know if that’s true, but we can certainly attest to the impact of a little clarification and education on numerous marriages. Many people are not aware of the side effects of many drugs-even over-the-counter ones and especially birth control pills and antidepressants-that can practically kill a sex drive and impair or block orgasmic potential. Alcohol,stress, fatigue, various physical ailments and disorders, and many other things can all compromise sexual functioning, though they may not at first appear to be related.
Masturbation is another saboteur of orgasm with a partner. The quick and predictable climax a person can achieve through self simulation is difficult if not impossible for a partner to match. Masturbation is not specifically forbidden in scripture, but lust is almost always connected with masturbatory patterns. In our opinion, masturbation falls under Paul’s instructions to the Corinthians; Everything is permissible for me’-but I will not be mastered by anything (1 Corinthians 6:12).masturbation can rarely be considered beneficial and it has certainly mastered many an individual, robbing them of the richness of God’s gift and leading them into greater sins.
If a married person is engaging in masturbation apart from their spouse, he or she can easily short-circuit his or her ability to achieve orgasm during lovemaking. This is because real life rarely measures up to fantasy. Solitary masturbation disconnects intimacy from the sexual response cycle, creating a mere shadow of what God intended and lessening the chances of deeply connecting during lovemaking. Choosing the quick satisfaction of self-stimulation over the more difficult but far more satisfying and God-honoring acts of lovemaking should always be discourage unless it is by mutual consent and for some specific purpose.
Although there are many other reasons for difficulty achieving orgasm, there is at least one more that must be mentioned in a chapter like this. Many couples are not aware of the importance of the clitoris for orgasm in the woman. When we talk about sex, we normally speak of penis and vagina-those are the organs involved in intercourse and in procreation.But when we speak of sex for pleasure’s sake and especially for orgasm, we are talking about penis and clitoris. Studies have shown that more than half of all women, and in some studies as many ass two thirds of all women, are unable to achieve orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation.
The clitoris is a small bundle of nerve endings and tissue located above the vaginal and urinary openings. Many couples are not even aware of it, or are unsure of where it is.It contains many of the same nerve endings that are distributed along the entire shaft of the penis in the man. For a woman to achieve orgasm without clitoral stimulation can be as difficult as it would be for a man with no direct clitoral stimulation during the act of intercourse, manual stimulation before,during, or after it generally required to produce an orgasm. (This is one of those times when the principle of “Ladies first works nicely!)
We must remember that God created the clitoris, and it does not serve any other function than sexual pleasure and facilitation of orgasm in a woman. It says a great deal about Gods interest in our pleasure, and it presents a tremendous invitation to couples to risk, explore, learn, and grow if they have not fully discovered the importance of the clitoris.

Premature Ejaculation

Many couples experience frustration when the husband is unable to withhold ejaculation for more than a few minutes during intercourse. Actually, several studies have shown that most men are unable to prevent orgasm during active thrusting for more than two to five minutes. So if couples are frustrated with premature ejaculation, it is important first to have a frame of reference for what is actually “Premature.” For our purposes, we will define it as experiencing orgasm considerably before couples desire it and repeatedly being unable to improve upon that pattern.
As with most other problem areas, there can be a number of reasons for truly premature ejaculation. Probably the most common is simply that the man is allowing too much sensate arousal to flood over him as he “drinks in” everything that is happening. Recalling the importance of sensual cues for arousal, the man needs to work at paying more attention to his wife and her pleasure first before turning his attention to his own enjoyment. With practice, this can become easier to do without becoming emotionally absent in bed. It’s important that he remains emotionally connected with her, but  so attuned to his physical arousal.
There are also exercise that the man can do and that couples can do together to decrease premature ejaculation. Again;it would be wise to get some Christian texts specifically on sexuality if this is a problem, and it is critical for couples to talk openly and to deal with their frustration pro actively. as with almost any other sexual problem, premature ejaculation can be greatly improved if couples are willing to work at it.

Sometimes we find it difficult to trust another person with our hearts, this is especially true in a new relationship. How can we overcome our trust issues to open ourselves up to trusting and loving another human being? Marriage problems having to do with trust issues are extremely common and having difficulties in this area can be the difference between success and failure in a relationship, so it is first very important to identify where these issues are coming from.

You need to first figure out if you are just feeling insecure, or if your spouse is exhibiting some sort of behavior that is helping to foster your distrust.In either case, you must work to fix these issues because they can be the death of any marriage if they are allowed to linger without being addressed. I personally had been cheated on in my past, and honestly had cheated in past relationships. When I entered the relationship with my current husband, I vowed to change my behavior and to never have cheating become an issue. There have been times in the past that I have worried that he might cheat, but then I realized that putting extra energy into this thought was not serving either of us.

I have vowed to myself to always trust my husband and to believe that he is doing the right thing, until I have a real reason not to. Running around worrying about where he is and who he is talking to is to say the least a very immature attitude. In order to have an adult relationship with your spouse, you must believe in your heart that everything will be okay.

You must trust implicitly the fact that your spouse will be true to you, and locking him up and not allowing him to speak to women, will not stop him from cheating if that is what he is going to do. It is my experience that doing this will just encourage lying and deceit, as your spouse is going to speak to members of the opposite sex, but if he knows it bothers you, then he just may avoid telling you about it. This can be worse because then you don’t really know what is going on with him.

Encourage open, honest communication with your spouse and allow them to tell you about things that happen. Feel comfortable enough with yourself and your husband to listen to him and not pass judgment on the situation. Distrust will eat away at your marriage, so try to address these issues as they arise and you will find that you have a healthier, happier relationship because of it.

It happens to the best of us. Communication is such a fickle thing, and the lines of communication can become blurred every so often, especially when feelings are involved. Even those who think that they are immune to the confusion of conflict can find themselves drawn into a communication breakdown when they least expect it, and chaos ensues.

This happened to me on the weekend, and until to be quite honest, it took me by surprise. Even those of us who are better equipped than many others are not immune. My partner told me something that really hurt my feelings, and I lashed back in defense. It was a silly argument, over something as simple as a misplaced bottle of aftershave. But to me, it represented something much deeper, that had been simmering away for a couple of weeks. I get frustrated at having to search for something when it is not where I expect it to be. Worse still when my partner has shifted it and I don’t know the first place to begin searching.

Aftershave, needles and thread, car keys, a Tupperware container to store my baking soda in, covers for our outdoor chairs, all were examples of instances where I had to turn the house upside-down. A simple answer from my partner when these things were shifted would have saved me a lot of time and frustration. And the answer I got? “You need to open your eyes and organize yourself better”

I was gutted. When I come home from work I exercise the dog and cook dinner so that it is on the table by the time my partner gets home. The house is always spotless and warm, as I’m very conscious of coming home to a tidy environment. I see this as a fundamental part of my role in coming home first, and it takes a lot of my time. To imply that I have the time to “organize yourself better” really hurt.

I don’t expect praise, but I did hope that my efforts were recognized. I got told that “I don’t expect you to cook my dinner every night” was interpreted by me as ingratitude, and hurt me even more.

So where to from here? My partner felt guilty at coming home every night to the perfect household, whereas I felt guilty if it wasn’t perfect. It was never about me trying to make him feel guilty, but it seems it did. And this is where the communication fell down. He misinterpreted my efforts, and I misinterpreted his response.

Communication, communication, communication. I need for my partner to keep me informed of where things move to. I need to be informed. I need to voice my frustration before it gets to boiling point. We both need to talk about our feelings more, and how each of our contributions to our home and our relationship make us feel, and how we interpret each others contributions. It is not a competition, but for many couples it feels like it.

When people feel guilt or stress, it leads them to act funny ways. Often stress and guilt are barriers to communication. The key to overcoming them is to recognize what it is, and have the courage to talk about it. You might be able to do it as a couple, or you might want the help of a friend who can listen to the way you are communicating with each other and offer insights and advice.

We got it sorted out, and kissed and hugged. It wouldn’t hurt so much if I didn’t feel such love at the same time. But it served as a good reminder to me. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own emotions that you forget to think of the other person. You also need to entertain the possibility that you are misinterpreting each other. Talking about it is the way to expose the miscommunication and let the healing begin.

A good lesson to learn, even for the experts…

***********************************************

This article is brought to you by Save My Marriage Today.

You may be making mistakes that will jeopardize your marriage recovery! My Save My Marriage Today course has helped save thousands of marriages and is guaranteed to deliver results or your money back.

You can’t afford to give your marriage 50%. You need 100% – you need the BEST information now! You have to learn what it takes to save your marriage. Get the whole package that gives you REAL results … guaranteed.

You have to go to http://www.savemymarriagetoday.com and get my course.

Because your marriage deserves better!

*****************************************************