The perception of love by many is that of roses and glowing but some times love can be very difficult especially in marriage .Lets be fair. A situation where it brings two people together, two people with very different personalities, tastes, desires and puts them in such a close proximity that their faults and weaknesses will be discovered. As a result, all marriages go through periods of disaffection, times when love feels distant, cold, times when you just seem to have “lost the loving feeling.” When conflict and misunderstanding occur, what happens during these times will usually set the course for the rest of the marriage

Unfortunately, disaffection often times wins out, because couple seem to be taken unaware, and under aware that their love has drifted. An estimated 50 percent of today’s couples will see their marriages end in divorce, most of them within the first seven years. And those are just the raw statistics. Many of those who stay in their marriages lives unhappily behind closed doors. In the quite corners of their hearts are profound sorrow and emptiness.

Chances are you or some one you love has a marriage in trouble right now, it seemed every thing is crumbling before your eyes, but what do you do to rescue your once happy, lovely marriage from these monsters? I will outline some of them here.

1. A. Don’ Lose at love

When conflict first hits, every couple has some doubt and also wonders how they might lose at love. After all neither of them is necessarily a hateful person, neither is particularly selfish, or at least it seemed they didn’t start out that way. We found out that couples when caught in this web of trouble always resort to self defenses /preservation; they dig in their heels and lay the blame for the problems at the feet of their spouse. This losing strategy and is guaranteed to allow the problems to foster and grow. But there’s hope for the troubled marriage. Because the cycle is predictable, if the steps are understood, the courageous couple can work to stop the cycle, arrest the destructive spiral, and literally save their marriage. Most couple s wants what it takes to keep their marriage afloat, and by understanding how they got to where they are, they can reverse the process and breathe new life into their marriage.

B. STRESS

Our every day pressure has also helped in widening the gape of disaffection in marriages. We are pulled in every direction, busy and going nowhere fast, having to do more with less time. Before long, tempers flare, stomachs ache, health problems, and demanding work schedules. Take an inventory. What stresses have been tearing at your relationship since you married?

Take a little time today to work on your marriage, looking at these factors which we have stressed above, and do not resort to self-defenses and bulk passing. Confront the matters as they were.   Enjoy a fun-filled marriage today!

Prince Vincent.

Take for an example, a friend of mine lost his marriage recently as result several crises in the marriage but their major problem being the way moneywas earned and spent. The wife sees her husband as financial tree hence she would not contribute her primary quota to the running of the home. Here is our advice to couples, if you must make your marriage work .Be open to your partner concerning everything that comes into the purse of the family. When both of you are on a paying job or having other source of income, it’s advised that you should let your partner know how much comes into the purse and also engage in the planning of the family expenditure. It is necessary to eliminate all cracks of suspension on both ends. Some men have not done well in this regards, especially when they would make provision for some social expenditures which they would not like their partners to be aware of, thereby creating room for suspension of extra-marital affairs which is not healthy for the relationship.

Sharing responsibility makes every load lighter in the home; it’s very worrisome when somebody who is supposed to lend a helping hand decides to be on the contrary.

Begin today to work-out your differences, and create a healthy relationship with your partner.

The commonest difficulty with penetration is a condition called vaginimus. It is a phobic anxiety response to any attempt at vaginal penetration, in which the woman becomes anxious tension occurs in the vaginal muscles, and any attempt at penetration is painful.
Vaginismus may have followed by an unpleasant traumatic sexual event in the woman’s life but usually occurs because of ignorance or misinformation or from guilt developed from parental sexual attitudes.
Pain during intercourse may be due to other problems such as pelvic infections

5. Sexual Phobia
Vaginismus is an example of a sexual phobia, where one particular aspect of the sexual act becomes anxiety provoking. Some women show phobia avoidance of semen, and rush from the bed to have a vigorous shower whenever they come in contact with their partner’s semen.
Such phobic avoidance can totally ruin a sexual relationship.

5. Anomalous Sexual Behaviour

The prevalence of lesbianism in women is higher than in men (in Europe) and is probably tolerable due to the fact that lesbianism in women is more socially tolerable over there and it is also not illegal, the a etiology of lesbianism is obscure and there appears to be consistent adults hormonal reason for it.
Transsexualism also occurs in the women. A transsexual is convinced despite outward appearance that she is of the opposite sex. This fixed belief is usually held from childhood. The person feels comfortable if dressed in the clothes of the opposite sex and indeed may seek corrective surgery. The social pressure on the individual to conform to her outward sexual stereotype causes a great distress.

Treatment

A full assessment of sexual problem is necessary before treatment .Physical problems rarely cause of sexual difficulty.
IT CAN BE DIFFICULT TO DECIDE WHETHER SEXUAL DIFFICULTY IS CAUSING A MARITAL PROBLEM OR A MARITAL PROBLEM IS CAUSING A SEXUAL DIFFICULTY.
Obvious hostility or coldness between partners however is a poor sign in terms of a successful treatment of sexual difficulty.
Psychological methods of treatment based on behavioral principles are the most effective methods of treating sexual difficulties. Masters and Johnson’s techniques appear to be the bench mark by which other treatment options are measured. If you are worried about any of the discussed sexual disorders, see a Medical Doctor with training and interest in psycho-sexual problems.cheers

Disorder of interest (loss of libido).2. Difficulties in Arousal
Some women who lack sexual interest also can not be arouse. But some women who have interest singly do not get aroused. The lubrication and swelling phase of sexual response do not take place. Most women with arousal problems complain of a dry vagina which often results in introital pain during intercourse. The reaction of the woman to her problem and her educational and cultural orientation are of importance as these will determine whether the woman sees the disability as a problem or not.
3. Orgasmic Difficulty
Failure to obtain and orgasm may or may not be associated with the loss of sexual interest and loss of arousal. It may often be situational; a woman being unable to achieve it either on her own or her partner’s stimulation. It is difficult for a woman to be orgasmic during penetration by itself unless extra clitoral stimulation is applied. Some women find that they can be orgasmic with one partner but not with another. Many men are uncertain as to whether their partner has been orgasmic or not and some women to please their partners, simulate orgasm. Men may attempt coitus too early before the women is fully aroused, because of the assumption that the lubrication stage, which actually occurs in the very early stage of sexual arousal, means that the woman is completely ready for penetration.
Basically, most women do not achieve orgasm when they want to because they have not received sufficient stimulation or are anxious about it.
. Cheers.

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Money Means Different Things to Different People

It has been said that “Wherever your treasure is, there your heart and thoughts will also be” Why is it easier to open our hearts to each other but close up our heart when it comes to working together on our finances? Because money problems are seldom about money. One the surface, the issue appears to be financial; however, that is rarely the case. There are deeper issues related to the meaning of money. Here are some examples of those who are dealing with issues other than what they appear to be-money matters.

Carson admitted breaking into a hot sweat the day he and his bride signed up for a joint credit

Card. His anxiety increased. Could he really trust her? Would she put their financial future in jeopardy by her choices?

Julie couldn’t wait to leave home. She wanted to get out where no one would tell her what to do.

She believed the less accountability, the greater the freedom. Now has marriage made her feel restricted?

Rick loved being the centre of attention. His approval rating system demanded that he go into major debt to buy things for his friends

.

Sue used money as a antidepressant, a mood changer, so did Joe, who equated money with status. He had to have the latest clothes, toys, and cars. A new purchase worked miracles for both of them. But the fix was temporary

.

Juan only feels secure when he has a substantial savings account so he constantly criticizes Patricia for her spending habits. She is wise in her expenditures. But he can’t see that because his fear blinds him.

Christy was struggling with a conflict between being dependent and nurtured by her husband, Ken, so she had been happy to let him handle all the finances. Yet, she was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with some of his choices. It made Ken uncomfortable to hear Christy question some of his decisions

Lee was happy to make the money decisions because he wanted to control his own destiny.

It made him feel important, and he didn’t want to repeat his parents’ pattern. After retirement his

Parents were totally dependent on him.

There is an incredible vulnerability that comes when we give another person access to our finances. The reality is they can now hurt us very badly by taking or misusing the information we have given

them

Prior to marriage, many of us had to answer only to ourselves. A major shift occurred as we began our married life. We are now accountable to each other. How do you react when someone limits you?

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We worship it, have love affairs with it, blame it, hate it, dream about it, live for it, pray for more of it, sacrifice our families for it, hand over control of our lives for it,

and wind up in bondage to it. It is our best friend and our worst enemy.

Money matters in a marriage relationship. Money may be an inanimate object, but we attach great emotional significance to it. Money only becomes our friend if we as a couple learn to partner around the decisions related to money. One of the prerequisites for partnering in the matter of money is an understanding of the meaning of money to each of us.

I, remembered earlier in our marriage when took a financial decision which my wife still remembers today. I was offered a car to purchase by a client, when I consulted my wife she was not in support of our buying a second car. But reason being that it is high class car which will make people around and our relations think that we have arrived financially. By so doing, it will attract un-necessary attention to us.

Personally I wanted the car hence my wife did not, for obvious reasons.

I play the card of the head of family and bread winner of the family; she gave in to my fantancies.

When the car started developing faults frequently, it became a financial burden on the family. I did not have the pleasure to share it with her, knowing fully well that she would talk back at me, “reminding me what her position was.” How I went ahead without considering that she objected.

Most times couples have contrary interest in what is needed to be purchased by family. Priority can be viewed from different angles. Some wives may see the purchases made by their spouse as extravagant; some men have hobbies and passions that are at variance with the family well-being

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Its no longer news that women in Kenya has decided to embark on seven days sex strike, to drive home their quest for peaceful and well governed country. In the same vein, they have encouraged the wives of President and Prime Minister of Kenya to use pillow-talk on their husbands, to help these women to take home the views of women. Their line of argument is that when men have retired to bed with their wives, they are calmer, hence all protocol have ceased. The warmth of love and passion takes over the atmosphere. Wives, who know how to play their role, could then make special appeal to their husbands. She could be interceding for a people or interests.

Talking about pillow-talk, several power-hungry women have used the pillow-talk syndrome to control government’s policies and appointments. Many first ladies of different nations have used the power of women through pillow-talk to achieve their purposes.

History has it that strong men, powerful rulers, Kings, and Presidents have all at one time or other, done the bidding of their wives. Political office seekers have always found wives of heads of government an avenue to penetrate political circles and obtain their desired appointments.

Since women have used pillow talk to achieve their desires and the wishes of her beneficiaries. I would then recommend that this practice be apply also to marital crisis. If wives who are having marital disagreement with their spouses could borrow a leaf from those who have practiced “pillow talk syndrome” they would on their own sort their spouse out and begin to enjoy their marriages.

Wives should seek out the best mood of their spouses, especially when they had retired to bed, “rearing to go” sensing that the passion is high, every man will be willing to concede enough to a discerning wife if she plays her pillow-tones well.

How about the Kenyan women and their sex-strike? From the BBC interview I listened. Some male respondents complained that they would find it difficult to stay seven days without sex. There lies the power of women which has made the strong men of this world to look like chicken. “Hallow ladies” power your marriages with your ever powerful pillow-tones. Your gifted by God power your bedrooms. Sweet dreams ……Sweet dreams….Sweet dreams…….

The situation became un-bearable to my mother; she started making arrangements for alternative wife who’ll help to procreate the children irrespective of our happiness. Crises crept into our marriage; my wife would think that I’m on the side of my parents to bring in a new wife. As the man at the centre of the crises, I was boxed in between and a solution was not in sight quickly.

In one of the occasions my mother brought a beautiful lady who had a son,(outside wedlock) and introduced her to me as my wife to be! The proposal includes accepting the child as part of my family and making him my son. She said that if only I would agree to marry the lady with the child, she would go ahead to conclude all marital rites.

In the same vein, she approached my wife to accept the young woman as her mate (second wife) in the family. In fairness to her, all efforts were geared toward finding solutions to achieve the objective of the “big family.” Both sides of the in-laws have their opinion and parts to play to actualize their ideals. They are not ready to sheathe their sword until the arrival of their grandchildren, as the saying goes” Where two elephants fights” it is the grass that suffers”. That was how best I could describe what our marriage went through just because we could not bear children in time to fill the expectations of our families.

My wife and I, were incurring the wrath of the family (extended) members by our insistence to wait for God’s appointed time.

SAVED SITAUTION

The situation started affecting my relationship with my wife. Whenever this matter comes for discussion, it tends to tear us apart. Because one of us will try to take sides with one parent’s position. The issue of childlessness is very strong in our society. The woman can not be left out. She bears the burden squarely. She is at the centre of the debacle, she bears the brunt. If care is taken, she may be replaced by a (suggestive divorce) more fruitful woman by her in-laws. They are most times not willing to wait too long or having any kind of patience, even if it has been advised by the experts to be patient and wait!

Considering the years we’ve been in marriage without a child and my position in the family made it more difficult, it becomes imperative that solution must be found. It behooves my wife to become also desperate for solution.

She started consulting for solutions on the matter which took her to pastors with different spiritual dimensions and doctors. While my mother was frantically making arrangements to get a new wife for her only son, nothing was to be spared.

But mission accomplished was the watch word. Take note; what was upper-most in the mind of my mother is generational continuity and quest to keep the family name, our happiness was not taken into consideration at all.

The problem of a childless marriage can not be over emphasized; we suffered severally in the hands of solution-givers who had ways to get our finances. They failed to live up to the expectations or to their promises. In this kind of situation, spending is not budgeted.

You are expected to respond to any recommendation brought- about as a solution to the problem, irrespective of your financial standing. I can not forget what one of the doctors’ who diagnosis my wife told us, that she was having pituitary tumor. But it a wrong diagnosis, because other doctors who later had a more comprehensive diagnosis, found no tumor.

While we’re looking for solutions for conception, we resolved to adopt children who are now part of our family. Initially there we’re oppositions to this idea but when they found out that both myself and my wife we’re not willing to yield to their pressure, it behooves them to accept our proposal, hence that has defeated the initially idea of bringing another woman(second wife) into our home just because we could have children of our own in time.

My advice to couples who find themselves in this kind of situation is that they should tighten their bond of love for one another. There should not be bulk-passing. They should swim-together in the problems that were facing them. Once those opposing them finds out that they were not united in love and not having a common purpose to fighting the raging enemy, they would tear them apart and have their ways. Couples have difficulty in childbearing should making time to exhaust all the medical solutions avail to them.

Men should not stick to their un-compromising attitude, which always brand women as the guilty party in this case. Both of them should submit themselves to medical check-ups/ laboratory diagnosis to one-sided action.

Often time’s women are traumatized on the issue of delayed child-bearing, without checking out the facts of the matter on both sides. While you’re looking for solution do not forget to seek God’s hand to help you,.

If you have further response to this article, please feel free to drop us a few line. Your questions will be welcomed!

Prince Vincent.

By prince Vincent

You can be happy in your marriage even if you did not have children. The union of two persons coming together in marriage is because they love each other, which should be uppermost in the hearts of couples.

If marriage is not meant to be enjoyed, then what is the essence of it? Children are the crowing blessing of the union, so if after some years of expecting this crowning blessing and there is no sign of the arrival of children on the board. Then the couple must watch-out for a possible crack in the wall of their marriage. It might not be their own design or in their interest to quarrel of over delayed childbearing, that of the extended interest groups /families. If adequate care is not taken to checkmate issues, things might get-out of hands and hamper their relationship.

Let me ask you this question, if after some years of being in marriage and there is no child. What would be your attitude to the situation? Consider that in your society that won’t be acceptable. Think about every relative being concerned for your sake! How about those who had suddenly become medical advisers’ to the situation? All these people will be breathing down your neck for their supposed grandchildren whom they are expecting from your union etc. The problems of child-less couples differ, from one society/community to another depending on which part of the globe you are.

MY EXPERIENCE

I want to use my case to give you a pip into what obtains, or “what you can call a case-study” and the troubles some couples have been through because they did not have children on time after they got married or did not have at all.

Several marriages have crashed as a result of pressure on the marriage from relatives/extended family members.

Children are precious to family for different reasons. The survival and economic factors of the families is squarely placed on the children. Every family looks forward to their children succeeding them either in their endeavors or linage elongation. So the premium placed on childbearing by families in Africa is so much, and puts pressure on couples especially newly formed ones. Grandparents and relatives are on the lookout for the off-spring of the union.

Since I’m using my wife and I as a case study,

it will be good to start by giving you a beat of my background. I’m the only son of my parents and I’ve been married since May 29th 1992 without a child.

My parents had me at their later age, or (when they had almost lose hope of have a male child) and where also eagerly looking forward to seeing me produce offsprings for the continuity of the family. When I got married, my mother was relieved that it won’t be long before she will carry her grandchildren, also the anxiety of family extinction was taken care of; but their expectations did not come quickly as hoped. As the conception delayed, anxiety started mounting on, to find quicker solution.

There subtle quests for solutions. Every one was worried that no conception has taken place after one year of staying together as husband and wife. My mother summoned my wife to have a chat with her on the issue. On our own, we did not keep quite about the situation knowing fully well the type of environment/ society we have. We started visiting doctors of gynecology to know if there were things we needed to do rightly or doing wrongly. Our parents were not left out of the search for remedy. On their own they went as far as consulting traditional/natural medicine men/women whom by their believes are more knowledgeable and has an effective solution to the matter at hand. Though we tried not to offend them, seeing that all they were interested in, were in our well being, nevertheless, we made sure all the recommended practices did not constitute a sin to our faith. The more years roll-by and there was no sign of conception, the pressure came on us.