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And the two will become one flesh!
The Plan for sexual intimacy is awesome beyond description. Sexual union can communicate our love and oneness in ways that words are simply inadequate to express. But sexual conflict and violations can also do unspeakable harm. There is perhaps no other pain a husband or wife can inflict upon their partner that cuts so deeply as a strike at their sexuality.
There are several areas in which sexual intimacy can be threatened.
It is beyond the scope of this chapter to address any of these in much details, but a brief overview can alert you to the problems most commonly experienced and should encourage you to do further reading or seek help if any of these begin to rob your intimacy.
Frequency
One of the first areas of disagreement often encountered is the desired frequency of lovemaking. We have been interviewing marriage partners separately and heard one husband complain,”She hardly ever wants to have sex!” The wife complained, “All he wants to do is have sex” Obviously these two have differing desires for frequency. There can be many reasons for low sexual desire, or for an overly active sex drive, from pain disorders and medication reactions to past sexual abuse and sexual addictions. Both partners must be very careful with the other’s feelings and must continue to talk openly about their differing preferences until they arrive at an agreeable arrangement or seek help.
Many spouses, and even well-intentioned pastors and counselors, have quoted {1 Corinthians 7:5} about not withholding ourselves from each other as a means of forcing a partner into compliance. This can be a gross misuse of God’s Word and a overly simplistic means of addressing an often complex issue. We urge couples to seek professional Christian counseling or notable marriage counselors if they are unable to arrive at a mutually agreeable and satisfying frequency of lovemaking.
“Sex Hurts”
One of the possible reasons for low sexual desire is pain during intercourse-acute, diffuse, consistent, periodic, stabbing, burning, aching, pulling, etc. There can be many reasons for experiencing pain, but they absolutely must be dealt with. The mantras of the athletic world don’t apply to sexual relations; you don’t “play through the pain.”You don’t “just do it. God designed us to be pain-avoiding creatures, and if pain begins to be associated with sexual intercourse, we will quickly develop a natural and very powerful aversion to it. Most complaints of pain can be dealt with effectively once the cause is identified, so an evaluation by a Christian sex therapist, gynecologist is always a wise step. Don’t try to ignore it or tell yourself,”It’s all in my head.” It’s not likely to go away on its own.