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The Negative Cycle Begins
Distancing`
Why does God hate divorce, Tim, when he knows how awful a marriage can be? “a broken woman asked when telling me of her marriage plight. She told me of the hateful words that cut deeply and the lack of touch and the silent treatments that would tear at her heart.
“I have prayed for my future husband since I was a little girl. Why is this happening to me-to us? I cry alone a lot, and I’m so tired of trying to make this marriage work,” this desperate woman said.
It’s hard to hold on when you are faced with persistent hurt and rejection.
As we’ve shared, just the everyday pressures like street, evil, sin, false expectations, the speed of living -all are enough to leave one or both partners confused, and expecting.
But, the path of disaffection goes deeper. A negative cycle begins stp-by step, day-by-day, emotion-by-emotion, until love is destroyed.
When you are in a relationship in which there is little or no respect, no warmth or closeness, or you feel as if you are taken for granted, abandoned, or shamed, it’s only natural to drift apart, to distance, and to insulate yourself from the other.
Distancing is a reasonable response to an unreasonable situation. But, It can also be a primary killer of love in marriage. Even before we know what has happened, distancing begins occurring in small ways, moments when we ignore or put down our partners, lapses of love that subtly eat away at the relationship. The early signs of this negative cycle include rubbing out your partner, ignoring important comments, and a general lack of sharing about everyday life. These are strong signals of love’s early demise. Such behavior often kills simple acts of thoughtfulness, such as a note placed in a lunch box or flowers sent for no particular reason.
Raising the Bar
Raising the bar is setting a love trap for your mate. It’s creating a hurdle your mate must leap over to prove his or her love. For instance, ” I just hope he’ll bring me flowers this week,” He hasn’t brought home flowers in five years. Is he going to bring home flowers this week? NO.
Raising the bar is a form of desperation. One or both partners want assurance that they’re still loved, so they set the hurdle-in secret. As the cycle spirals, the bars become increasingly high and increasingly unlikely to be hurdled. Raising the bar is a horribly destructive act:; it’s a love trap and it always leads to increased failures.
Increased Failure
The instant the partner fails to leap the hurdles, one partner gets angry and the other feels guilty For the one who was disappointed, thoughts like You just don’t care or you never how me you love me abound. For the one who failed to jump the hurdle, there are thoughts such as You’re impossible. There’s nothing I can do to please you. You’re the problem. You’re the one who needs help. Increased failures only cause both to shut down even more
Increased Negative Evaluation
Before long, both people become locked in the dank cellars of their own minds, and both are thinking the same thing-our marriage is getting worse. And the worse it gets, the less each is willing to invest in it. They’ve reached a very dangerous point; you were probably consumed with how tour mate was failing the marriage.
Simply put, you believed your mate was wrecking your marriage.
So what do most couples do when they get to this point, they begin to vilify their mate. In their mind, the mate has intentionally hurt them. He or she is destroying their relationship on purpose. At this point the negative thoughts and their resulting distortions begin to abound in the relationship.
And what do you do with villains? You punish them. And what do villains do to you?
They hurt you, so now there’s an even greater need for self-preservation.