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“You Want To Do What ?”
In every talk we have ever given on sexuality, the question of oral sex is raised. What does the Bible say about oral sex ? Is it okay? Is it a perversion ?” This is another topic like masturbation, that is not specifically addressed in scripture. Nowhere do we read that it is expressly forbidden, nor do we clearly read that it is encouraged. However, just because something is not expressly forbidden does not make it right or necessary, and just because something is not clearly affirmed and encouraged does not make it wrong or sinful. We must look to other scriptural principles to guide us.
Many read passages such as {Jude 7}, which refers to the sexual immorality and perversion of Sodom and Gomorrah, as including oral sex, because they consider it a perversion of God’s design for sexuality. Their position is strengthened by the fact that most dictionaries define sodomy as including not only homosexual acts and bestiality but also anal and oral copulation with the opposite sex.
However, others interpret the many references to oral delights in the Song of Songs as an indication of the total body enjoyment that the couple celebrates throughout the song. They bolster their position by the fact that the two most densely concentrated bundles of nerve endings in our bodies are in the penis or clitoris and in the tongue. Oral sex then is seen as a natural means of pleasuring each other, in keeping with God’s design of our erogenous zones.
These are issues couples need to consider openly and discuss outside of the bedroom. Most individuals will have fairly strong convictions one way or the other. If both are in agreement on the issue, there is not a problem -they are free to act in accordance with their desire to abstain or to engage without further concern.(However, we do strongly caution couples engaging in oral sex against focusing primarily on that pleasure and forfeiting the greater connection and oneness of intercourse.)
If partners disagree, and especially if they feel strongly about their positions, this can become a bitter battleground, and that must not be allowed. It is certainly more loving to abstain from an act that is not necessary than to push for it when one’s spouse is uncomfortable, feels violated by it, or believes it is wrong. The issue should remain one that either party can bring up from time to time for reconsideration, but it is impossible to envision God being please with such an intimate act if it is engaged in under duress.
Scripture probably speaks most directly to issues such as this in [ Romans 14:3-5] , where Paul addresses disputable matters such as dietary restrictions and observance of sacred days:The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him. Who are you to judge someone else’s servant ? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand. One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind.
Concerns about pregnancy and Birth Control
Obviously when a couple of childbearing age are engaging `in sexual relations, there is always the chance of becoming pregnant unless there is a fertility problem. Even the most reliable forms of birth control are not 100 percent effective, and some are actually fairly ineffective. Pregnancy is one of God’s greatest miracles and perhaps his richest blessing, but it is not always desired at a specific time and that is okay. Couples should talk a great deal about their desires for children and would be wise to do a degree of planning unless they want to have as many children as possible.
These can sometimes be difficult discussions, but they are vitally important.
Until the turn of the twentieth century, most mainline protestant churches held the same position as catholics on birth control; that is, that the only acceptable form is Natural family planning (NPP) and that no form of artificial contraception is acceptable. The first is that couples engaging in intercourse but impairing the potential for pregnancy are seen as embracing a part of God’s gift while rejecting another. They are blocking God’s ability to bless them with a child and are therefore impairing his ability to fully bless their union, moving and acting within it as he so desires.
A second reason protestants and catholics have historically opposed artificial contraception goes back to the discussion mentioned earlier on the messages being communicated in the sexual act. if a couple is saying with their bodies, “lam giving you every part of myself, and I want to have every part of yourself” but are then placing a barrier between themselves to block their fertility, they are not actually giving and receiving every part of their beings. They are sending conflicting messages in their lovemaking.
Most every protestant denomination now accepts various artificial means of birth control, and studies show that even many Catholics do not follow their church’s teaching on this issue. There are some logical arguments to be made in favor of contraception, but the protestant church still has a long way to go in developing a true theology that supports artificial birth control.
For those who do elect to use contraception, there are host of other decisions to be made. All forms create greater freedom and spontaneity, but each has potential consequences. The pill causes many women to experience hormonal imbalance and decreased libido (sex drive). It can also cause the abortion of a fertilized egg. Condoms generally cause decreased sensation and occasional allergic reactions. Diaphragms, cervical caps, and spermicidal sponges carry the potential for infection and, on rare occasions, toxic shock syndrome. Intrauterine devices and the so called “morning-after pill” cause the abortion of a fertilized egg.
Vasectomy and tubal ligation are perhaps the most effective forms but are fairly permanent.
All of these concerns make this yet another issue that requires couples to talk, read, pray, and consult with physicians and/or their clergy to ensure that they feel peaceful about their decisions. As difficult as these discussions can be, each result in a deepening intimacy for couples who are learning to really know each other.
Infertility
One of the most painful struggles many couples face is the inability to become pregnant, or to sustain a pregnancy, when children are greatly desired. Few things introduce so much tension into the bedroom and threaten to reduce lovemaking to a mere duty. The various fertility tests and treatments available can be a wonderful blessing, but they can rob any feelings of privacy, mystery, spontaneity, or passion. The pain of disappointment month after month easily becomes paired with sexual union, requiring couples to aggressively guard against emotional withdrawal and disconnection.
Unless friends and loved ones have experienced this struggle themselves, many of their attempts at encouragement will only worsen the pain. Couples struggling with infertility often withdraw from social circles because of the constant reminders of how friends have been blessed when they have not. Even simple things like seeing a car seat in an automobile or passing the nursery wing at church can be overwhelming.
As in every other area of sexual difficulty, the most important response is for couples to talk-openly, honestly, and frequently. There is a grieving process to go through, grieving the loss of something they never really had, or had only briefly. And there are options to consider, options that sometimes threaten one’s beliefs and can cause division in the marriage.
Couples are encouraged to seek out support groups and / or professional counselling in addition to medical advise if they are unable to conceive when trying to do so for more than twelve month.
Conclusion
We can only touch on some of the things that can threaten to spoil the richness of God’s plan for marital sexuality. If it has fostered a clearer understanding of the spirit of making love and of the messages couples communicate through those acts, as well as a greater awareness of the things that can enhance and diminish that connection, then it has accomplished its purpose. There are few things in marriage that are so difficult but so important to discuss, and which can yield such sweet fruit or bitter harvest depending on how they are handled.
Questions to help You
1. What do you believe are the ways in which your sexual union could be most threatened ?
2. What subject covered in this chapter is difficult for you as a couple to talk about ?
What do you think makes it difficult ?
3. What is at least one area in your sexual relationship that you are determined to talk through more,
read on, pray over, or seek help with, to deepen your experience pf truely making love ?
For further help
Please feel free to write us in any way you have need of our help. We shall be willing to render further help to smoothen any rough-edges of your marriage.