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Triggering of past Sexual Abuse Memories
We store memory in all five of our senses as well as in our cognitive mind. For many people who have been sexually abused, or even those who have had sexual experiences they might not consider to have been abuse per se, a triggering effect can occur when they begin to be sexual with their spouse. Although their mind tells them, “This is okay. This is good. This is not like the other things that have happened,” their senses may react to the sensory cues and override their will. When this occurs, their bodies will not respond properly, and they may become angry with themselves, or worse yet their spouse may become angry, adding to their negative paring.
Pairing of stimuli with sexual cues, whether as a turn-on or a turnoff, is a natural process and can be addressed quite effectively. Once again, though, it is not something that is likely to get better on its own. If a person is experiencing these reactions, he or she should avail himself or herself of Christian resources for sexual abuse recovery, attend a support group, or seek out a professional Christian counselor skilled in sexual abuse work. The important thing is to be proactive rather than allowing your body to continue to be reactive, sabotaging both the beauty of what God has given you as well as the healing he has waiting for you.
Difficulty with Orgasm
There are many possible reasons for experiencing difficulty with orgasm, and this is another issue couples need to discuss openly and address pro actively if it is a struggle. It may be tempting to say,”It’s not that important. i don’t mind. I still enjoy being together,”but the experience of both partners being able to achieve climax fairly regularly (though not necessarily simultaneously) is deeply bonding and well worth the embarrassment and work that may be required to attain it.
It has been said that as much as 80 percent of sex therapy is sex education.We don’t know if that’s true, but we can certainly attest to the impact of a little clarification and education on numerous marriages. Many people are not aware of the side effects of many drugs-even over-the-counter ones and especially birth control pills and antidepressants-that can practically kill a sex drive and impair or block orgasmic potential. Alcohol,stress, fatigue, various physical ailments and disorders, and many other things can all compromise sexual functioning, though they may not at first appear to be related.
Masturbation is another saboteur of orgasm with a partner. The quick and predictable climax a person can achieve through self simulation is difficult if not impossible for a partner to match. Masturbation is not specifically forbidden in scripture, but lust is almost always connected with masturbatory patterns. In our opinion, masturbation falls under Paul’s instructions to the Corinthians; Everything is permissible for me’-but I will not be mastered by anything (1 Corinthians 6:12).masturbation can rarely be considered beneficial and it has certainly mastered many an individual, robbing them of the richness of God’s gift and leading them into greater sins.
If a married person is engaging in masturbation apart from their spouse, he or she can easily short-circuit his or her ability to achieve orgasm during lovemaking. This is because real life rarely measures up to fantasy. Solitary masturbation disconnects intimacy from the sexual response cycle, creating a mere shadow of what God intended and lessening the chances of deeply connecting during lovemaking. Choosing the quick satisfaction of self-stimulation over the more difficult but far more satisfying and God-honoring acts of lovemaking should always be discourage unless it is by mutual consent and for some specific purpose.
Although there are many other reasons for difficulty achieving orgasm, there is at least one more that must be mentioned in a chapter like this. Many couples are not aware of the importance of the clitoris for orgasm in the woman. When we talk about sex, we normally speak of penis and vagina-those are the organs involved in intercourse and in procreation.But when we speak of sex for pleasure’s sake and especially for orgasm, we are talking about penis and clitoris. Studies have shown that more than half of all women, and in some studies as many ass two thirds of all women, are unable to achieve orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation.
The clitoris is a small bundle of nerve endings and tissue located above the vaginal and urinary openings. Many couples are not even aware of it, or are unsure of where it is.It contains many of the same nerve endings that are distributed along the entire shaft of the penis in the man. For a woman to achieve orgasm without clitoral stimulation can be as difficult as it would be for a man with no direct clitoral stimulation during the act of intercourse, manual stimulation before,during, or after it generally required to produce an orgasm. (This is one of those times when the principle of “Ladies first works nicely!)
We must remember that God created the clitoris, and it does not serve any other function than sexual pleasure and facilitation of orgasm in a woman. It says a great deal about Gods interest in our pleasure, and it presents a tremendous invitation to couples to risk, explore, learn, and grow if they have not fully discovered the importance of the clitoris.
Premature Ejaculation
Many couples experience frustration when the husband is unable to withhold ejaculation for more than a few minutes during intercourse. Actually, several studies have shown that most men are unable to prevent orgasm during active thrusting for more than two to five minutes. So if couples are frustrated with premature ejaculation, it is important first to have a frame of reference for what is actually “Premature.” For our purposes, we will define it as experiencing orgasm considerably before couples desire it and repeatedly being unable to improve upon that pattern.
As with most other problem areas, there can be a number of reasons for truly premature ejaculation. Probably the most common is simply that the man is allowing too much sensate arousal to flood over him as he “drinks in” everything that is happening. Recalling the importance of sensual cues for arousal, the man needs to work at paying more attention to his wife and her pleasure first before turning his attention to his own enjoyment. With practice, this can become easier to do without becoming emotionally absent in bed. It’s important that he remains emotionally connected with her, but so attuned to his physical arousal.
There are also exercise that the man can do and that couples can do together to decrease premature ejaculation. Again;it would be wise to get some Christian texts specifically on sexuality if this is a problem, and it is critical for couples to talk openly and to deal with their frustration pro actively. as with almost any other sexual problem, premature ejaculation can be greatly improved if couples are willing to work at it.