Module 4: Quick-Start Guide To Saving Your Marriage
I have taken my Stage Of Crisis Diagnosis and converted it into a very powerful module that will help you to establish EXACTLY which stage of crisis your marriage is currently in.
It will then prescribe a path to recovery based on that particular stage.
This report will make your efforts immediately effective!
This will be the next stop in your marriage recovery, so that you have a “roadmap” to use in your immediate actions.

Greater Self-Preservation

Because you’re now living with a “villain,” the protective walls go up quickly, and you make them as thick as possible. You begin to watch every move your spouse makes with heightened suspicion. You believe your cry for love will be rejected because your spouse can’t possibly love you in return. It becomes just too dangerous to open yourself up like that. You become more exhausted, empty, and expect to live in eternal vigilance.
Whatever spontaneity was left in your marriage drains away.
But the assault on joy can come from another direction too. When in distress people often default to their strength. If they’re organized. They begin to organize everything. If they’re gregarious, they forget their responsibilities altogether. And when that happens, those little characteristics they found so endearing in their mates, they now hate.
This leads to more needs not being met, which leads us back to step one in the negative cycle, which is increased distancing and polarization.

Cycling Back Again

Each time we cycle through this negative cycle, disaffection grows and the secret resentment locked in our heart intensifies. The fight left in us turns to a strong desire to take flight to just leave.
As the cycle of disaffection grinds on, within it develops a response, which only feeds the complains, and the complaint is ignored, the offended partner may begin to sulk-sulking being a way of calling attention to the pain without saying anything about it. When the sulking is ignored, then come the accusations.
People don’t actually believe these accusations, at least the reasonable part of them doesn’t. They are just trying to get a reaction. The spouse wants to hear, “Of course I want you to be happy.” When he or she doesn’t hear an affirmation like that, and it is, in fact ignore again, and then come the threats. You want me unhappy? I’ll show you unhappy. You just wait.”
This growing problem of disaffection is like is like a death grip. But it’s not just a steady walk away from love, it involves hurt, distancing, hurt again, more distancing. It’s a pattern of clearly definable behaviors that spiral back on themselves, each time becoming more sever and more destructive. It’s like quicksand. The more you struggle to pull yourself out of the hole and subsequently get rejected, the more easily discouraged and tired you become. Before long, you become “islands of me,” where one cries for love but no one sees the pain or hears the cry for affection. That isn’t to say there’s no way out. It does mean, however, that battling with one another to somehow stop the marital decline only seems to make things worse.

Breaking the Cycle and Coming out of the Pain

If you detect your relationship sliding down this destructive, predictable cycle, immediately seek help from a Christian marriage counselor and extricate yourself. If you don’t seek help, your natural emotional survival skills will take over. When that happens you’ll continue to experience a downward spiral spiritually, emotionally, and physically-one that will eventually overwhelm your marriage and require you to work harder and harder just to stay even, And eventually, the vitality that God has put in your marriage will simply die.
Losing at love is a horrible thing to experience. It is made even more so by the possibility that it could all be avoided with a commitment to break the cycle and return to the love God wants for you and your mate. Your marriage should be filled more joy than sorrow. God wants you to have more warmth than indifference, more love than anger.
The pathway out of pain will involve at least these four ingredients:

1. Empathy

The most significant first step in getting beyond your pain is stepping back from the marriage and honestly looking at how you lost at love in your marriage. Could it be that your spouse is hurting too? That doesn’t mean he or she isn’t to blame for what’s happening, at least to some degree, but just maybe you both very subtly, even unintentionally, lost sight of each other. You started to drift apart and then life just got out of control. If so, why not turn to Psalm 139 and ask God to search your heart to see if there is any wicked way in you and ask him to do a new work in your life. Sure you’ll need to keep in place healthy boundaries, but you can begin a new by simply asking God to help you be defined as a person of love and begin to exhibit the behaviour of love ( see 1 cor.13) The God of Hosea knows betrayal (see Hosea 11: 1-11). He knows heartbreak, and he is there for you even now. Trust his heart and remember that your marriage is to be built on a spiritual foundation.

2. Safety

For positive changes to begin to take place, each spouse needs to feel safe. Creating a place of safety is crucial to reduce the pain and to allow the feelings of love to flow again.
It takes about five positives to counteract one negative experience, even one hurtful word in marriage. You can increase the ratio of positive to negative by cutting back on the negatives. Stop the yelling, nagging, badgering. Be judicious with your words and actions. First Peter 3:8-9(NKJV) reminds us that in our relationships we are to “be tenderhearted, be courteous; not returning evil for evil…but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing.” These are sound principles for how to treat our spouse.

3. Affection

This is not just “You know I love you, baby,” but these are to be clear demonstrations of love in ways that your partner likes to be loved. Ask yourself:

1. How do I show love to my spouse?
2. How does my spouse show love to me?
3. How would I like to be loved by my spouse?

Now, have your spouse do the same thing compare notes and make changes in your behaviour so that you are doing the things that communicate love. Just saying “I love you” is never enough. You have to be sure that your spouse knows, and receives your love.

4. Forgiveness

As long as the two of you are alive you are going to have to work through times of heartache and disappointment. The oil of forgiveness is the only way you will survive. Forgiveness involves both forgiving and asking for forgiveness. Someone might be thinking,” I can’t forgive.” Ephesians 4:32 (NKJV) has helped us get over that hurdle. Paul tells us to “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forging one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. There is nothing that God can not forgive through Jesus Christ. So based on the facy that God has forgiven you in Christ, There is nothing you can’t forgive because you have been forgiven so much.

Forgiveness is always my responsibility, even as I have been wronged. It means canceling a debt. That’s something I do within myself. Don’t confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. That takes two people. When I choose to forgive, it frees me to love.

Conclusion

Ultimately, the marriage you’ve always wanted will only come as you heed Psalm 127:1 (NASB), “Unless the LORD builds the house, they labour in vain who build it.” Spiritual intimacy is not about changing your spouse and demanding vulnerability. It will begin to flow as the two of you just simply seek to embrace the heart of God in your marriage.

Questions to Discuss

· 1. How have you handled conflict in your marriage? What concerns you most about the way you the way you typically handle conflict?
· 2. What are the expectations you brought to your marriage? Are any of them similar to the false expectations described in this chapter? What good expectations did you bring to the marriages that are now being met?
· 3. What strategies have you used in your marriage that has successfully stopped, or broken, negative cycle?
· 4. Talk together about ways you can increase the affection in your marriage. What does your spouse consider to be meaningful ways to experience affection?
Please use the above questions to evaluate your marriage situation. If you response to this article, please feel free to write us. We shall be willing to render further assistance to you, saving your marriage for the better.

Module 1: The ‘Top Five Things NOT To Do When
Your Partner Wants Out’ Report
If your partner has told you that they “want out,” you must read this module!
This is the starting point in the process, so that you do not continue to do damage to your chances.
Your “natural” reactions during this critical stage of your marriage crisis are, usually, wrong.
This report will help you to avoid the top 5 mistakes that most people make in this situation.
Making the wrong decision during this stage could make things worse…much worse!

Its no longer news that women in Kenya has decided to embark on seven days sex strike, to drive home their quest for peaceful and well governed country. In the same vein, they have encouraged the wives of President and Prime Minister of Kenya to use pillow-talk on their husbands, to help these women to take home the views of women. Their line of argument is that when men have retired to bed with their wives, they are calmer, hence all protocol have ceased. The warmth of love and passion takes over the atmosphere. Wives, who know how to play their role, could then make special appeal to their husbands. She could be interceding for a people or interests.
Talking about pillow-talk, several power-hungry women have used the pillow-talk syndrome to control government’s policies and appointments. Many first ladies of different nations have used the power of women through pillow-talk to achieve their purposes.
History has it that strong men, powerful rulers, Kings, and Presidents have all at one time or other, done the bidding of their wives. Political office seekers have always found wives of heads of government an avenue to penetrate political circles and obtain their desired appointments.
Since women have used pillow talk to achieve their desires and the wishes of her beneficiaries. I would then recommend that this practice be apply also to marital crisis. If wives who are having marital disagreement with their spouses could borrow a leaf from those who have practiced “pillow talk syndrome” they would on their own sort their spouse out and begin to enjoy their marriages.
Wives should seek out the best mood of their spouses, especially when they had retired to bed, “rearing to go” sensing that the passion is high, every man will be willing to concede enough to a discerning wife if she plays her pillow-tones well.
How about the Kenyan women and their sex-strike? From the BBC interview I listened. Some male respondents complained that they would find it difficult to stay seven days without sex. There lies the power of women which has made the strong men of this world to look like chicken. “Hallow ladies” power your marriages with your ever powerful pillow-tones. Your gifted by God power your bedrooms. Sweet dreams ……Sweet dreams….Sweet dreams…….

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The Negative Cycle Begins

Distancing`

Why does God hate divorce, Tim, when he knows how awful a marriage can be? “a broken woman asked when telling me of her marriage plight. She told me of the hateful words that cut deeply and the lack of touch and the silent treatments that would tear at her heart.
“I have prayed for my future husband since I was a little girl. Why is this happening to me-to us? I cry alone a lot, and I’m so tired of trying to make this marriage work,” this desperate woman said.
It’s hard to hold on when you are faced with persistent hurt and rejection.
As we’ve shared, just the everyday pressures like street, evil, sin, false expectations, the speed of living -all are enough to leave one or both partners confused, and expecting.
But, the path of disaffection goes deeper. A negative cycle begins stp-by step, day-by-day, emotion-by-emotion, until love is destroyed.
When you are in a relationship in which there is little or no respect, no warmth or closeness, or you feel as if you are taken for granted, abandoned, or shamed, it’s only natural to drift apart, to distance, and to insulate yourself from the other.
Distancing is a reasonable response to an unreasonable situation. But, It can also be a primary killer of love in marriage. Even before we know what has happened, distancing begins occurring in small ways, moments when we ignore or put down our partners, lapses of love that subtly eat away at the relationship. The early signs of this negative cycle include rubbing out your partner, ignoring important comments, and a general lack of sharing about everyday life. These are strong signals of love’s early demise. Such behavior often kills simple acts of thoughtfulness, such as a note placed in a lunch box or flowers sent for no particular reason.

Raising the Bar

Raising the bar is setting a love trap for your mate. It’s creating a hurdle your mate must leap over to prove his or her love. For instance, ” I just hope he’ll bring me flowers this week,” He hasn’t brought home flowers in five years. Is he going to bring home flowers this week? NO.
Raising the bar is a form of desperation. One or both partners want assurance that they’re still loved, so they set the hurdle-in secret. As the cycle spirals, the bars become increasingly high and increasingly unlikely to be hurdled. Raising the bar is a horribly destructive act:; it’s a love trap and it always leads to increased failures.

Increased Failure

The instant the partner fails to leap the hurdles, one partner gets angry and the other feels guilty For the one who was disappointed, thoughts like You just don’t care or you never how me you love me abound. For the one who failed to jump the hurdle, there are thoughts such as You’re impossible. There’s nothing I can do to please you. You’re the problem. You’re the one who needs help. Increased failures only cause both to shut down even more

Increased Negative Evaluation

Before long, both people become locked in the dank cellars of their own minds, and both are thinking the same thing-our marriage is getting worse. And the worse it gets, the less each is willing to invest in it. They’ve reached a very dangerous point; you were probably consumed with how tour mate was failing the marriage.
Simply put, you believed your mate was wrecking your marriage.

So what do most couples do when they get to this point, they begin to vilify their mate. In their mind, the mate has intentionally hurt them. He or she is destroying their relationship on purpose. At this point the negative thoughts and their resulting distortions begin to abound in the relationship.
And what do you do with villains? You punish them. And what do villains do to you?
They hurt you, so now there’s an even greater need for self-preservation.

3. False Expectation

Unrealized expectations leave us disappointed. Ii our expectations are unrealistic for our marriages, we’re setting ourselves up for a fall. A few of the most common expectations include:

Marriage will complete me. Perhaps we grew up with parents who didn’t care for us
Like they should, or with siblings who stole the limelight, or in some other painful
environment. We may expect marriage to reverse all the negatives we’re carrying
Into it.
My spouse won’t hurt me. As the first expectation sees marriage as the healing
agent, this one sees marriage as the ultimate safe heaven. The first hurt we
receive from a spouse is catastrophic.
Life will be easy now. This is the happily-ever-after expectation of fairy tales. If we
have this expectation, every unhappy moment in a marriage then brings
disappointment and possibly fear.
Love will keep us together. As the song says, “All you need is love.” Well, not so,
because you will need more than your love. This expectation, by far, produces the
Greatest disappointment as it batters the very thing that is supposed to hold us
Together-our love . Every time we hurt one another, intentionally or unintentionally,
love is perceived as increasingly less effective until, in the end, we can easily say
our relationship just wasn’t meant to be.

How do you combat unrealistic expectations? With realistic biblical ones. No one is perfect, including your spouse. No one person will ever fulfill all your needs, nor, will you supply all your spouse’s needs. Only God can. No marriage is free from discord, and no spouse is completely unselfish
Marriage brings together two people who have many human frailties that are at first magnified, then hopefully, in Christ, strengthened into godly traits. But it takes a lot of humility, grace, and constant work at understanding what is reasonable for you and your spouse to expect from each other.

4. Selfishness

During dating, most of our energy is exclusively focused on the other. But something strange happens after we say,” I do.” The giving often becomes taking. The “Island of we” becomes an “island of me.” In our marriage we don’t really want to hurt each other. We say hurtful words. You know the routine. Like the apostle Paul in Romans 7:15 (NKJV), regarding his walk with the Lord, we can say, “I don’t understand myself a all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do the very thing i hate.”
Marriage was designed to be a team effort, one of loving and giving, of making a commitment to our mate. Lately, in our culture, marriage has been reduced to prenuptial agreements, occasional intimacy (or none at all), and quickie divorce. Selfishness creates an “island of me,” where there is a wall around me. On the “island of we,” there is a wall around us.

5. Scripts from the Past

A lot of our behavior is influenced by our past scripts, scripts that were written for us long ago. We find that we now faithfully follow them, and our scripted behavior is reinforced as we hold tightly to them. For instance, if one or both of our parents abandoned us when we were children, we will live today as if we expect those we love to abandon us in the here and now. Such scripts distort current reality and cause us to act and react in what can be very destructive ways. These scripts also impact how we give and receive love.
If this sounds true for you, look for those elements of your life that are unresolved. Look for the physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, the effects of parental divorce and/or abandonment. Look for the gross failures and the emotional loss and deal with them in sound biblical ways.

6. Speed

Relationships and intimacy take time. Time to understand, enjoy, and respond to one another-time to satisfy the other’s needs and have your own needs satisfied. When we live life in the fast lane, there is precious little time for the building of intimacy. We’re the microwave generation addicted to speed. Every element of our likes seems to be a trade off, and often we end up trading off the very steps to intimacy the time to nurture our mates and our marriage.
Both partners in a marriage succumb to these pressures to varying degrees at various times. So we think a date night will solve our problems. What happens on date nights when things haven’t been going well? One lousy night! The result is loneliness, anger, feelings of rejection, and sorrow-enough to rip the foundation out from under most couples. A natural response to this pain is to create space, a gap between you and your partner. A subtle, even unintentional severing of relational strands takes place characterized by some pretty hurtful communication patterns.

Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life which he has given you under the sun
Ecclesiastes 9:9(NKJV)

Living joyfully together is one tough assignment, especially when it seems that almost everything in life competes for our affection. Too many couples are tired of trying to keep it all together and are pained by love gone bad.
And many of them just throw in the towel and give up on love.

Yet, marriage is close to the heart of God so close that the apostle Paul uses marriage as an analogy of Christ’s love for the church and how he gave himself up for her. It’s that kind of love and commitment God had in mind when he ordained marriage. The most satisfying marriages-the ones best able to fulfill the Ecclesiastes call to joy and love-come about when a husband and wife align themselves with God and his original intent for spiritual and marital intimacy.

Marriage, then, is not just two people in love; it’s three strand cord not easily broken. When God enters the marital equation, a horizontal and temporal contract is transformed into am eternal covenant relationship with vertical and horizontal dimensions. Mundane marital existence is transformed into an adventure of love and joy, lived as a gift from gracious God.
However, thus kind of marriage is not given and doesn’t come without hard work, deep forgiveness, and incredible mutual sacrifice.

LOVE ON THE ROCK

Let’s be fair. Marriage can be difficult. It brings two people together, two people with very different personalities, and desires, and puts them in such close proximity that their faults and weakness will be discovered. as a result, all marriages go through periods of disaffection, times when love feels distant, cold, times when you just seem to have “lost that loving’ feeling.” When conflict and misunderstanding occur, what happens during these times will usually set the course for the rest of the marriage.

Unfortunately, disaffection often wins out, and couples who get to that point never know God’s desire for their marriage. An estimated 50 percent of to day’s couples will see their marriage end in divorce, most of them within the first seven years. And those are just the raw statistics. Many of those who stay in their marriages live unhappily behind closed doors. In the quiet corners of their hearts are profound sorrow and emptiness.

Couples are seeing the marriages of their friends and family ravaged like never before. They see the love that held them together crumbling, its strength and endurance gone. Perhaps you’re seeing that in your own marriage.

Chances are you or someone you love has a marriage in trouble right now. If so, you’ve wondered what went wrong or wondered how a union that started with such promise and with the blessing of God himself could have soured.

Losing at Love

When conflict first hits, every couple has some doubt and also wonders how they might lose at love. After all, neither of them is necessarily a hateful person, neither is particularly selfish, or at least it seemed they didn’t start out that way. How can things go so wrong?
We have found that most couples are unaware or under aware of what happens in these circumstances. When they begin to experience trouble in an effort at self-preservation, they dig in their heels and lay the blame for the problems at the feet of their spouse. This is a losing strategy and is guaranteed to allow the problems to fester and grow.
Believe it or not, there is an answer for why everything goes so wrong, for losing at love is often predictable. It follows a step-by-step process and creates a repeating cycle that if left unchecked can take a couple from love’s first embrace to the point where love is totally destroyed and the marriage will probably end in the pain of divorce.
But there’s hope for the troubled marriage. Because the cycle is predictable, if the steps are understood, the courageous couple can work to stop the cycle, arrest the destructive spiral, and literally save their marriage. Most couples want what it takes to keep their marriage afloat, and by understanding how they got to where they are, they can reverse the process and breathe new life into their marriage.

Everyday Pressures-How Disaffection Gets Started

How does disaffection start? It actually begins with everyday life, with the six pressures we all face daily.

1. Stress

Futurist David Zach refers to our age as the time of hyper-living.” We’re pulled in every direction, busy and going nowhere fast, having to do more with less time. Before long, tempers, stomachs ache, heart break. Hurried decisions become bad decisions.And bad decisions make people hurt.

Marriage becomes a perpetual uphill climb. And our hurt makes us irritable, discouraged, and very difficult to live with. Some have just flat out been overwhelmed by life, wayward kids, financial pressures, health problems, and demanding work schedules.Take an inventory. What stresss have been tearing a your relationship since you married?

2. Evil

Since the time of Adam and Eve, the evil one has sought to destroy this God-ordained intimate bond of marriage. He is the great confuser and the ultimate liar. He magnifies our weakness and fears and uses them as wedges that comes  between us.
The apostle Peter described the evil one a a “roaring lion,seeking whom he may devour”( 1 peter 5:8 NKJV).And, he’s out to take as big a bite as he can out of your marriage. If he does, he stands to win a lot, possibly causing fatal blows to you, and your kids.

If you are willing to make your marriage work, then you must endeavour to answer these under listed soul- searching questionnaire. Our idea for putting these forward is to enable you make-up where necessary in your marriage.

· How do I make my marriage a priority
· Can he trust me? Do I hold personal information in confidence? (E.g. don’t tell my close friends his private thoughts if he wants me to keep them confidential.)
· How can I make meeting his sexual needs more of a priority?
· How can make self more attractive to him? Get rid of the nightly face cream? Change out of my pajamas or sweats before he arrives home from work? Do my hair on weekends?
· Are the two us unified in how we view spending habits? Domestic responsibilities
· How can I develop my potentials for God’s glory, fully using my gifts and talents so that he is married to a godly, interesting woman? (According to one survey, the greatest cause of stress is undeveloped potential; certainly, a significant cause of depression in women is undeveloped potential.)
· Do I speak well of him or do I refer to him in public as Boss Hogg?
· Do I withhold trust from him even in areas where he has proved himself trustworthy? (Talking with other women, spending habits, etc.)
· Am I warm and supportive of him? Do I affirm his strengths and gifts?
· How can I be more fun to be with?
· Does my attitude of submission toward my husband reflect the relationship of the church to Christ?
· Do I demonstrate a gentle, quiet spirit?
· If someone were to ask my husband, would he be able to say honestly, “Being with this woman strengthens my relationship with the Lord”? Could he say, “I have seen the heart of Christ in her “?

Please list four your husband’s most admirable traits

 
At marriage seminars we have surveyed women, asking what helps put them “in the mood.” Here’s what they said:
·                    Do all these things during the day, not Just at night:
·                    Be attentive when I talk.
·                    Show interest in what’s going on with me through conversation and thoughtfulness.
·                    Provide me with lots of emotional/verbal communication.
·                    Don’t focus constantly on “downer” circumstances at work.
·                    Compliment me during the day on both inner and outer beauty.
·                    Say affectionate things.
·                    Avoid barbed comments.
·                    Give or mail me a love note–personal romantic thoughts from the heart.
·                    Take me out to dinner.
·                    Hire a babysitter.
·                    Brush my hair.
·                    Give me a massage.
·                    Take me out once a week.
·                    Hold hands with me.
·                    Walk together outside.
·                    Pray with me – more than just the dinner blessing.
·                    Slow dance with me. You don’t need lessons; just hug me to music.
·                    Watch romantic movies. Yes, these are chick flicks. You married a “chick.”
·                    Have candlelight dinners at home – no waiter to interrupt.
·                    Share personal romantic thought from the heart.
·                    Take weekend getaways at least once a year.
·                    Make a big deal of our anniversary.
·                    Tell me what you find romantic. Beach? Mountains? Dirt biking?
·                    Kiss me for real, not just little pecks, puckers, or air kisses.
·                    Hug for real. Go for the full face -to-face deal.
·                    Take your time at foreplay. God did not give us all this skin for nothing
·                    Talk to me about what you want during sex.
If men could put the above things into practice, they will have sure blissful relationship.
 
 
 
 

Appreciating the In-laws

Realizing what you can and can’t do is the first step. The second step is to work at better understanding and appreciating your in-laws. When you identify specific areas you need to address, you must come up with your own game plan.
Relationships are fluid and ever-changing. We hope the following suggestions will help your in-laws relationships change for the better positive change can begin in several ways. It can begin with a new idea, and we want to suggest several new ideas for loving your in-laws that may be you haven’t considered before.
Change can begin with a change in attitude, and change also occurs through actions, so we’ll tell you some things you can do right now to really love your in-laws.

Find the Comfort Zone between Intimacy and Distance

When we asked, “What is your best advice for building healthy in-law relationships?” we received the same answer from four different countries! Two simple words “Stay away!” This wasn’t the answer we were expecting, but it gave us a clue to one big dilemma in in-law relationships. In-laws have difficulty finding the comfort zone between intimacy and distance.
Picture a seesaw with intimacy on one end and distance on the other. What you want to do is find the appropriate balance in your relationship.
It is a continual balancing act, and it’s easy to get off balance. The changes in life create the need to continually adjust that balance. Some families enjoy getting together each Sunday for dinner, while others say, “Isn’t it great that we get to see our parents and in-laws several times a year?”
There are so many factors: where you live, children, jobs, and financial resources. This is one area where you simply have to find what works for you. The more in-laws you add, the more complicated relationships become. You can’t be as intimate with everyone as you can with your own spouse and children.
Then you need to evaluate your expectations. Mary, a new mom, told us how she felt when she was in the hospital when her first child was born. She loved all the attention she received during her pregnancy. The baby arrived. It was great fun when all the family came to the hospital to visit her and to see the baby, but then they all said good bye and went out to eat together. She was left alone in her hospital room with her new baby while everyone else was celebrating at her favorite restaurant! She felt more distance at this point than she wanted to feel. Then, in the following weeks, both her mother and mother in-law were continually around to give a helping hand. Their motives were great, but at this point Mary just wanted a little space. It’s hard to find the balance between being too involved and bot being involved enough? and how do you deal with a mother- in-law(sorry, not trying to pick on mothers-in-law, but this is an occupational hazard for mothers who love and care for their adult kids and spouses) who wants to be overly involved in your life? Here are some suggested ways to find that comfort zone:

1 Think about the past. How did your p[parents or in-laws relate to their own parents and in-laws? They simply nay be repeating the pattern that was modeled for them.
2 Talk it out with your parents and in-laws.
3 One couple asked each set of parents, what does it take to make you feel comfortable with us?
4 One mother-in-law answered, “I need to feel included.” Another said,” I need some time alone away from people.”
5 Share your own feelings. Talk openly about holidays and try to work out a compromise before hand that everyone can live with.

Realize you’re not in the same season of life

To simply admit that you are in different seasons of life is a great starting place for better understanding and appreciating your in-laws. Try to look at life from your parents’ and in-laws’ perspective. Your goals are probably very different. Nowhere does this manifest itself more than in family-owned businesses .The younger generation is ready to dig in, work hard, and invest in the future by expanding the company’s base of business. The older generation’s desire may be to wind down, take the profits, kick back, and enjoy life. You may not be involved in a family business, but you may find your goals are just as different as those who are. It helps to try understanding both sides-your situation and that of your parents and in-l-aw. Work at developing the attitude, “I will seek to understand my parents’ and in-laws’ goals and try to understand life from their perspective.
Intentionally look at life from your parents’ or in-laws’ point of view.
Don’t complain about how hectic your life is, Believe me, its all relative.
Become educated about your parents’ or in-laws new challenges
For example, when a parent or in-law is retiring or changing careers, take an interest.

Find Things in Common.

To help develop a sense of belonging, look for things you have in common. Everyone has to eat, so food is one shared interest. One daughter -in-law shares her experience:

When my mother-in-law came to visit I didn’t know what to do since we really don’t have very much in common, so I suggested we learn a new recipe together (She loves to cook so that seemed to be a natural.) Together we made a casserole, and it was a total flop. I learned how clever my mother-in-law was. To make the dried-out rice and vegetable casserole edible, she simple melted a stick of butter and poured it over the casserole. Voila’ It tasted great! Since then I’ve resorted to the butter treatment for turkey dressing that’s too dry. It definitely improves the flavor

If only all in-law relationships could be improved by melting a stick of butter, unfortunately, it’s not that simple, but you can look for things you have in common or could have in common. For instance, years ago when our boys were growing up, one Christmas we all got Austrian wool bedroom slippers. They were so toasty and warm that we continued the tradition over the years. When one pair wore out, we simply replaced them with a new pair. We gave them to our parents for Christmas one year, and when one of our sons was married in Austria, the tradition was extended to our daughter-in-law. It’s nice to know our feet all look alike.
Another time I (Claudia) gave each couple as well as our parents a homemade cookbook of our family’s favorite recipes, including Grandmother Arp’s pumpkin pie, my mom’s molasses cookies, Aunt Myrtle’s coconut cake, and my favorite cheese fondue recipe.

Host a dinner party together. Its’ fun to cook together. Try new recipes.
Choose family project, at your house or theirs, such as wall-papering a room or putting up
Shelving” in a closet. Do it togather.Take a vacation together. Once we went to Disneyworld
With Claudia’s parents. It wasn’t their first choice of places to visit, but the grandkids loved
Disney World and getting to experience it with their grandparents. We all built great
Memories.
Play games together. Some of our favorites are Scattergories, Balderdash, Trivial Pursuit,
and Dictionary.

Plan Realistically for Family Visits.

Each year we get several Christmas cards from families who look like they are right out of the “Supper Family Fairy Tale” Everyone is dressed alike and everyone is smiling. We admire them, but a picture like that just isn’t realistic for us. Every one in our family is so different we would never agree on what to wear!
Even if we could pull off such a picture, it wouldn’t reflect reality.
We’re just happy when we get together and there are no major crises. Please don’t misunderstand. We love it when we all can get together especially when we resist adopting unrealistic expectations.
So before your next family-get together, evaluate your expectations. One survey participatant wrote, when I go home I feel like I’m fifteen years old again and must comply with my parent’s wishes even at the expense of my relationship with my spouse.
From the parents’ side, we can tell you from our own experiences in the early days of adjusting to in-laws that it was easy for us to land back in the” parents” slot suddenly it was as if we had been teenagers again . So it works both ways. One mother-in-law wrote,” When our married kids come back to visit, we’re all adults for the first fifteen minutes. As the visit progresses, they regress, and we get put back into the parent role. Not fun”
When you get togather, ask, what’s the lowest common denominator?
Then adjust your expectations.
We also have discovered over the years that when we are together as a big extended family. we tend to talk more about the children and surface issues. So we don’t go with big expectations of deep conversation. Instead, we reserve those times for when we are with only one family. So we suggest developing the attitude of willingly putting aside your expectations and looking for ways to enhance your time together with your extended family.
Whatever your situation as family get-together, there will some things that never change and other things that over time can improve. It helps tremendously if you can have more realistic and accepting attitude toward these family times. There are so many variables and so many personalities involved, often you just have to go with the flow.
Realize its okay to have some conflict, disagreement, and expression of feelings, but there are some things you can do to cope.
Here are some ways to facilitate happy family gatherings;

Consider a neutral location. Suggest a cabin in the mountain or a condo at the beach.
Spend time beforehand thinking through the upcoming time Together.
Make a list of things you c an do ahead of time.
Cook ahead
Realize that you can’t control other people.
During the family get-together, take time for yourself.Read a book. Take nap.
Get away from every one for a couple of hours-it will help your perspective!
Get some exercise. Walk around the block.
Let every one help out in the kitchen. Ask for help if no one volunteers.
Be ready with family activities for those who want something to do.
Plan a hike or a golf outing, rent a couple of favorite black and white videos or DVDs, or
pull out some puzzle or a few fun favorite games.
Choose to serve your parents and in-laws. They will love you for it!

Stay in Touch

Keep in tough through letters, videos, e-mails, and phone calls. One extended family adopted a family website where each family could post and download pictures. One survey participant wrote-mail works really well-everyone gets the same message at the same time.” Another participant responded, “We publish humorous biweekly family newsletter. Contributions are solicited from all. It is called The Latest Dope and has a Latest Dope Award’ in each issue”. Another person wrote, “My first cousin compiled a book of fairy stories. Everyone who wanted to could submit stories. Then he printed out a copy for each family”
A tip from grandparents; Grandparents love getting artwork from grandchildren or newspaper clippings about special awards, and, of course, we all love getting pictures-you simply can’t send too many! If your parents and in-laws have voice mail, when they aren’t available to answer the phone, encourage your children to leave personal messages. We kept one message from a three-year-old grandson on our voice mail for weeks. Each time we listened to his robust laugh, we laughed and felt loved!

Here are some ways to stay in touch.

Pick up the phone and call to say hello.
Send e-mails and pictures.
Encourage your children to stay in touch with their grandparents.
Start a family web site or a family e-mail newsletter.

Remember That You Have at Least One Thing in Common

One daughter-in-law related how she tried for twenty years to relate to her mother-in-law but never felt accepted or respected. After twenty years, her mother-in-law finally began to come around, and today they have a pleasant relationship. If you are the daughter-in-law struggling with a mother-in-law who is totally different from you, you can help build mutual respect by remembering what you have in common-you both love your spouse and it won’t take twenty years to build a relationship. Then look for other things you have in common. You may be surprised by what you find. Remember that whatever your differences, you both love the same person. Let us encourage you to concentrate on what you have in common, not on areas where you disagree.
It’s your choice. You can concentrate on the positive things you see in your in-law, or you can dwell on the negative. Why not take a few minutes and make a list of all the positive traits you can think of that describe your in-law. You may even admire some of the ways he or she is totally different from you. Each person is unique, and it’s up to you to appreciate that uniqueness, especially when it comes to your in-laws.

Here are some ways to build respect and find things in common.
1 Compliment your in-law in the presence of your mate.
2 Make a list of your in-law’s positive qualities.
3 Make a list of ways you are different that give variety to your family tree.
4 List your spouse’s good qualities he or she got from your in-laws.

Accept Love where you find it

With your in-laws learn to accept love where you find it. Not all grandparents are grandchildren friendly.” Not all in-laws look for ways to encourage you in your marriage-like offering to keep the kids. Not all relatives are sensitive to your needs. So give up expectations and accept love in whatever form it is offered. When the phone rings, whether its’ that long awaited call offering to keep your kids for a weekend for your getaway or a call telling you they’ve booked a cruise for themselves, accept them and love them. You can always be thankful if your parents and/or in-laws are still married and love each other enough to cruise together!
Again to really love and appreciate your in-laws, expect nothing and accept love where you find it. Oh yes, one other tip; Start your own list now of how you would like to relate to your children as adults-and to your grandchildren. And don’t forget that occasional cruise just for the two of you! Thanks for visiting our website.Feel free to comment on the articles you read on this site we would be glad to hear from.Cheers.

Penix

Appreciating the In-laws

Realizing what you can and can’t do is the first step. The second step is to work at better understanding and appreciating your in-laws. When you identify specific areas you need to address, you must come up with your own game plan.
Relationships are fluid and ever-changing. We hope the following suggestions will help your in-laws relationships change for the better positive change can begin in several ways. It can begin with a new idea, and we want to suggest several new ideas for loving your in-laws that may be you haven’t considered before.
Change can begin with a change in attitude, and change also occurs through actions, so we’ll tell you some things you can do right now to really love your in-laws.

Find the Comfort Zone between Intimacy and Distance

When we asked, “What is your best advice for building healthy in-law relationships?” we received the same answer from four different countries! Two simple words “Stay away!” This wasn’t the answer we were expecting, but it gave us a clue to one big dilemma in in-law relationships. In-laws have difficulty finding the comfort zone between intimacy and distance.
Picture a seesaw with intimacy on one end and distance on the other. What you want to do is find the appropriate balance in your relationship.
It is a continual balancing act, and it’s easy to get off balance. The changes in life create the need to continually adjust that balance. Some families enjoy getting together each Sunday for dinner, while others say, “Isn’t it great that we get to see our parents and in-laws several times a year?”
There are so many factors: where you live, children, jobs, and financial resources. This is one area where you simply have to find what works for you. The more in-laws you add, the more complicated relationships become. You can’t be as intimate with everyone as you can with your own spouse and children.
Then you need to evaluate your expectations. Mary, a new mom, told us how she felt when she was in the hospital when her first child was born. She loved all the attention she received during her pregnancy. The baby arrived. It was great fun when all the family came to the hospital to visit her and to see the baby, but then they all said good bye and went out to eat together. She was left alone in her hospital room with her new baby while everyone else was celebrating at her favorite restaurant! She felt more distance at this point than she wanted to feel. Then, in the following weeks, both her mother and mother in-law were continually around to give a helping hand. Their motives were great, but at this point Mary just wanted a little space. It’s hard to find the balance between being too involved and bot being involved enough? and how do you deal with a mother- in-law(sorry, not trying to pick on mothers-in-law, but this is an occupational hazard for mothers who love and care for their adult kids and spouses) who wants to be overly involved in your life? Here are some suggested ways to find that comfort zone:

1 Think about the past. How did your p[parents or in-laws relate to their own parents and in-laws? They simply nay be repeating the pattern that was modeled for them.
2 Talk it out with your parents and in-laws.
3 One couple asked each set of parents, what does it take to make you feel comfortable with us?
4 One mother-in-law answered, “I need to feel included.” Another said,” I need some time alone away from people.”
5 Share your own feelings. Talk openly about holidays and try to work out a compromise before hand that everyone can live with.

Realize you’re not in the same season of life

To simply admit that you are in different seasons of life is a great starting place for better understanding and appreciating your in-laws. Try to look at life from your parents’ and in-laws’ perspective. Your goals are probably very different. Nowhere does this manifest itself more than in family-owned businesses .The younger generation is ready to dig in, work hard, and invest in the future by expanding the company’s base of business. The older generation’s desire may be to wind down, take the profits, kick back, and enjoy life. You may not be involved in a family business, but you may find your goals are just as different as those who are. It helps to try understanding both sides-your situation and that of your parents and in-l-aw. Work at developing the attitude, “I will seek to understand my parents’ and in-laws’ goals and try to understand life from their perspective.
Intentionally look at life from your parents’ or in-laws’ point of view.
Don’t complain about how hectic your life is, Believe me, its all relative.
Become educated about your parents’ or in-laws new challenges
For example, when a parent or in-law is retiring or changing careers, take an interest.

Find Things in Common.

To help develop a sense of belonging, look for things you have in common. Everyone has to eat, so food is one shared interest. One daughter -in-law shares her experience:

When my mother-in-law came to visit I didn’t know what to do since we really don’t have very much in common, so I suggested we learn a new recipe together (She loves to cook so that seemed to be a natural.) Together we made a casserole, and it was a total flop. I learned how clever my mother-in-law was. To make the dried-out rice and vegetable casserole edible, she simple melted a stick of butter and poured it over the casserole. Voila’ It tasted great! Since then I’ve resorted to the butter treatment for turkey dressing that’s too dry. It definitely improves the flavor

If only all in-law relationships could be improved by melting a stick of butter, unfortunately, it’s not that simple, but you can look for things you have in common or could have in common. For instance, years ago when our boys were growing up, one Christmas we all got Austrian wool bedroom slippers. They were so toasty and warm that we continued the tradition over the years. When one pair wore out, we simply replaced them with a new pair. We gave them to our parents for Christmas one year, and when one of our sons was married in Austria, the tradition was extended to our daughter-in-law. It’s nice to know our feet all look alike.
Another time I (Claudia) gave each couple as well as our parents a homemade cookbook of our family’s favorite recipes, including Grandmother Arp’s pumpkin pie, my mom’s molasses cookies, Aunt Myrtle’s coconut cake, and my favorite cheese fondue recipe.

Host a dinner party together. Its’ fun to cook together. Try new recipes.
Choose family project, at your house or theirs, such as wall-papering a room or putting up
Shelving” in a closet. Do it togather.Take a vacation together. Once we went to Disneyworld
With Claudia’s parents. It wasn’t their first choice of places to visit, but the grandkids loved
Disney World and getting to experience it with their grandparents. We all built great
Memories.
Play games together. Some of our favorites are Scattergories, Balderdash, Trivial Pursuit,
and Dictionary.

Plan Realistically for Family Visits.

Each year we get several Christmas cards from families who look like they are right out of the “Supper Family Fairy Tale” Everyone is dressed alike and everyone is smiling. We admire them, but a picture like that just isn’t realistic for us. Every one in our family is so different we would never agree on what to wear!
Even if we could pull off such a picture, it wouldn’t reflect reality.
We’re just happy when we get together and there are no major crises. Please don’t misunderstand. We love it when we all can get together especially when we resist adopting unrealistic expectations.
So before your next family-get together, evaluate your expectations. One survey participatant wrote, when I go home I feel like I’m fifteen years old again and must comply with my parent’s wishes even at the expense of my relationship with my spouse.
From the parents’ side, we can tell you from our own experiences in the early days of adjusting to in-laws that it was easy for us to land back in the” parents” slot suddenly it was as if we had been teenagers again . So it works both ways. One mother-in-law wrote,” When our married kids come back to visit, we’re all adults for the first fifteen minutes. As the visit progresses, they regress, and we get put back into the parent role. Not fun”
When you get togather, ask, what’s the lowest common denominator?
Then adjust your expectations.
We also have discovered over the years that when we are together as a big extended family. we tend to talk more about the children and surface issues. So we don’t go with big expectations of deep conversation. Instead, we reserve those times for when we are with only one family. So we suggest developing the attitude of willingly putting aside your expectations and looking for ways to enhance your time together with your extended family.
Whatever your situation as family get-together, there will some things that never change and other things that over time can improve. It helps tremendously if you can have more realistic and accepting attitude toward these family times. There are so many variables and so many personalities involved, often you just have to go with the flow.
Realize its okay to have some conflict, disagreement, and expression of feelings, but there are some things you can do to cope.
Here are some ways to facilitate happy family gatherings;

Consider a neutral location. Suggest a cabin in the mountain or a condo at the beach.
Spend time beforehand thinking through the upcoming time Together.
Make a list of things you c an do ahead of time.
Cook ahead
Realize that you can’t control other people.
During the family get-together, take time for yourself.Read a book. Take nap.
Get away from every one for a couple of hours-it will help your perspective!
Get some exercise. Walk around the block.
Let every one help out in the kitchen. Ask for help if no one volunteers.
Be ready with family activities for those who want something to do.
Plan a hike or a golf outing, rent a couple of favorite black and white videos or DVDs, or
pull out some puzzle or a few fun favorite games.
Choose to serve your parents and in-laws. They will love you for it!

Stay in Touch

Keep in tough through letters, videos, e-mails, and phone calls. One extended family adopted a family website where each family could post and download pictures. One survey participant wrote-mail works really well-everyone gets the same message at the same time.” Another participant responded, “We publish humorous biweekly family newsletter. Contributions are solicited from all. It is called The Latest Dope and has a Latest Dope Award’ in each issue”. Another person wrote, “My first cousin compiled a book of fairy stories. Everyone who wanted to could submit stories. Then he printed out a copy for each family”
A tip from grandparents; Grandparents love getting artwork from grandchildren or newspaper clippings about special awards, and, of course, we all love getting pictures-you simply can’t send too many! If your parents and in-laws have voice mail, when they aren’t available to answer the phone, encourage your children to leave personal messages. We kept one message from a three-year-old grandson on our voice mail for weeks. Each time we listened to his robust laugh, we laughed and felt loved!

Here are some ways to stay in touch.

Pick up the phone and call to say hello.
Send e-mails and pictures.
Encourage your children to stay in touch with their grandparents.
Start a family web site or a family e-mail newsletter.

Remember That You Have at Least One Thing in Common

One daughter-in-law related how she tried for twenty years to relate to her mother-in-law but never felt accepted or respected. After twenty years, her mother-in-law finally began to come around, and today they have a pleasant relationship. If you are the daughter-in-law struggling with a mother-in-law who is totally different from you, you can help build mutual respect by remembering what you have in common-you both love your spouse and it won’t take twenty years to build a relationship. Then look for other things you have in common. You may be surprised by what you find. Remember that whatever your differences, you both love the same person. Let us encourage you to concentrate on what you have in common, not on areas where you disagree.
It’s your choice. You can concentrate on the positive things you see in your in-law, or you can dwell on the negative. Why not take a few minutes and make a list of all the positive traits you can think of that describe your in-law. You may even admire some of the ways he or she is totally different from you. Each person is unique, and it’s up to you to appreciate that uniqueness, especially when it comes to your in-laws.

Here are some ways to build respect and find things in common.
1 Compliment your in-law in the presence of your mate.
2 Make a list of your in-law’s positive qualities.
3 Make a list of ways you are different that give variety to your family tree.
4 List your spouse’s good qualities he or she got from your in-laws.

Accept Love where you find it

With your in-laws learn to accept love where you find it. Not all grandparents are grandchildren friendly.” Not all in-laws look for ways to encourage you in your marriage-like offering to keep the kids. Not all relatives are sensitive to your needs. So give up expectations and accept love in whatever form it is offered. When the phone rings, whether its’ that long awaited call offering to keep your kids for a weekend for your getaway or a call telling you they’ve booked a cruise for themselves, accept them and love them. You can always be thankful if your parents and/or in-laws are still married and love each other enough to cruise together!
Again to really love and appreciate your in-laws, expect nothing and accept love where you find it. Oh yes, one other tip; Start your own list now of how you would like to relate to your children as adults-and to your grandchildren. And don’t forget that occasional cruise just for the two of you! Thanks for visiting our website.Feel free to comment on the articles you read on this site we would be glad to hear from.Cheers.

Penix