Appreciating the In-laws

Realizing what you can and can’t do is the first step. The second step is to work at better understanding and appreciating your in-laws. When you identify specific areas you need to address, you must come up with your own game plan.
Relationships are fluid and ever-changing. We hope the following suggestions will help your in-laws relationships change for the better positive change can begin in several ways. It can begin with a new idea, and we want to suggest several new ideas for loving your in-laws that may be you haven’t considered before.
Change can begin with a change in attitude, and change also occurs through actions, so we’ll tell you some things you can do right now to really love your in-laws.

Find the Comfort Zone between Intimacy and Distance

When we asked, “What is your best advice for building healthy in-law relationships?” we received the same answer from four different countries! Two simple words “Stay away!” This wasn’t the answer we were expecting, but it gave us a clue to one big dilemma in in-law relationships. In-laws have difficulty finding the comfort zone between intimacy and distance.
Picture a seesaw with intimacy on one end and distance on the other. What you want to do is find the appropriate balance in your relationship.
It is a continual balancing act, and it’s easy to get off balance. The changes in life create the need to continually adjust that balance. Some families enjoy getting together each Sunday for dinner, while others say, “Isn’t it great that we get to see our parents and in-laws several times a year?”
There are so many factors: where you live, children, jobs, and financial resources. This is one area where you simply have to find what works for you. The more in-laws you add, the more complicated relationships become. You can’t be as intimate with everyone as you can with your own spouse and children.
Then you need to evaluate your expectations. Mary, a new mom, told us how she felt when she was in the hospital when her first child was born. She loved all the attention she received during her pregnancy. The baby arrived. It was great fun when all the family came to the hospital to visit her and to see the baby, but then they all said good bye and went out to eat together. She was left alone in her hospital room with her new baby while everyone else was celebrating at her favorite restaurant! She felt more distance at this point than she wanted to feel. Then, in the following weeks, both her mother and mother in-law were continually around to give a helping hand. Their motives were great, but at this point Mary just wanted a little space. It’s hard to find the balance between being too involved and bot being involved enough? and how do you deal with a mother- in-law(sorry, not trying to pick on mothers-in-law, but this is an occupational hazard for mothers who love and care for their adult kids and spouses) who wants to be overly involved in your life? Here are some suggested ways to find that comfort zone:

1 Think about the past. How did your p[parents or in-laws relate to their own parents and in-laws? They simply nay be repeating the pattern that was modeled for them.
2 Talk it out with your parents and in-laws.
3 One couple asked each set of parents, what does it take to make you feel comfortable with us?
4 One mother-in-law answered, “I need to feel included.” Another said,” I need some time alone away from people.”
5 Share your own feelings. Talk openly about holidays and try to work out a compromise before hand that everyone can live with.

Realize you’re not in the same season of life

To simply admit that you are in different seasons of life is a great starting place for better understanding and appreciating your in-laws. Try to look at life from your parents’ and in-laws’ perspective. Your goals are probably very different. Nowhere does this manifest itself more than in family-owned businesses .The younger generation is ready to dig in, work hard, and invest in the future by expanding the company’s base of business. The older generation’s desire may be to wind down, take the profits, kick back, and enjoy life. You may not be involved in a family business, but you may find your goals are just as different as those who are. It helps to try understanding both sides-your situation and that of your parents and in-l-aw. Work at developing the attitude, “I will seek to understand my parents’ and in-laws’ goals and try to understand life from their perspective.
Intentionally look at life from your parents’ or in-laws’ point of view.
Don’t complain about how hectic your life is, Believe me, its all relative.
Become educated about your parents’ or in-laws new challenges
For example, when a parent or in-law is retiring or changing careers, take an interest.

Find Things in Common.

To help develop a sense of belonging, look for things you have in common. Everyone has to eat, so food is one shared interest. One daughter -in-law shares her experience:

When my mother-in-law came to visit I didn’t know what to do since we really don’t have very much in common, so I suggested we learn a new recipe together (She loves to cook so that seemed to be a natural.) Together we made a casserole, and it was a total flop. I learned how clever my mother-in-law was. To make the dried-out rice and vegetable casserole edible, she simple melted a stick of butter and poured it over the casserole. Voila’ It tasted great! Since then I’ve resorted to the butter treatment for turkey dressing that’s too dry. It definitely improves the flavor

If only all in-law relationships could be improved by melting a stick of butter, unfortunately, it’s not that simple, but you can look for things you have in common or could have in common. For instance, years ago when our boys were growing up, one Christmas we all got Austrian wool bedroom slippers. They were so toasty and warm that we continued the tradition over the years. When one pair wore out, we simply replaced them with a new pair. We gave them to our parents for Christmas one year, and when one of our sons was married in Austria, the tradition was extended to our daughter-in-law. It’s nice to know our feet all look alike.
Another time I (Claudia) gave each couple as well as our parents a homemade cookbook of our family’s favorite recipes, including Grandmother Arp’s pumpkin pie, my mom’s molasses cookies, Aunt Myrtle’s coconut cake, and my favorite cheese fondue recipe.

Host a dinner party together. Its’ fun to cook together. Try new recipes.
Choose family project, at your house or theirs, such as wall-papering a room or putting up
Shelving” in a closet. Do it togather.Take a vacation together. Once we went to Disneyworld
With Claudia’s parents. It wasn’t their first choice of places to visit, but the grandkids loved
Disney World and getting to experience it with their grandparents. We all built great
Memories.
Play games together. Some of our favorites are Scattergories, Balderdash, Trivial Pursuit,
and Dictionary.

Plan Realistically for Family Visits.

Each year we get several Christmas cards from families who look like they are right out of the “Supper Family Fairy Tale” Everyone is dressed alike and everyone is smiling. We admire them, but a picture like that just isn’t realistic for us. Every one in our family is so different we would never agree on what to wear!
Even if we could pull off such a picture, it wouldn’t reflect reality.
We’re just happy when we get together and there are no major crises. Please don’t misunderstand. We love it when we all can get together especially when we resist adopting unrealistic expectations.
So before your next family-get together, evaluate your expectations. One survey participatant wrote, when I go home I feel like I’m fifteen years old again and must comply with my parent’s wishes even at the expense of my relationship with my spouse.
From the parents’ side, we can tell you from our own experiences in the early days of adjusting to in-laws that it was easy for us to land back in the” parents” slot suddenly it was as if we had been teenagers again . So it works both ways. One mother-in-law wrote,” When our married kids come back to visit, we’re all adults for the first fifteen minutes. As the visit progresses, they regress, and we get put back into the parent role. Not fun”
When you get togather, ask, what’s the lowest common denominator?
Then adjust your expectations.
We also have discovered over the years that when we are together as a big extended family. we tend to talk more about the children and surface issues. So we don’t go with big expectations of deep conversation. Instead, we reserve those times for when we are with only one family. So we suggest developing the attitude of willingly putting aside your expectations and looking for ways to enhance your time together with your extended family.
Whatever your situation as family get-together, there will some things that never change and other things that over time can improve. It helps tremendously if you can have more realistic and accepting attitude toward these family times. There are so many variables and so many personalities involved, often you just have to go with the flow.
Realize its okay to have some conflict, disagreement, and expression of feelings, but there are some things you can do to cope.
Here are some ways to facilitate happy family gatherings;

Consider a neutral location. Suggest a cabin in the mountain or a condo at the beach.
Spend time beforehand thinking through the upcoming time Together.
Make a list of things you c an do ahead of time.
Cook ahead
Realize that you can’t control other people.
During the family get-together, take time for yourself.Read a book. Take nap.
Get away from every one for a couple of hours-it will help your perspective!
Get some exercise. Walk around the block.
Let every one help out in the kitchen. Ask for help if no one volunteers.
Be ready with family activities for those who want something to do.
Plan a hike or a golf outing, rent a couple of favorite black and white videos or DVDs, or
pull out some puzzle or a few fun favorite games.
Choose to serve your parents and in-laws. They will love you for it!

Stay in Touch

Keep in tough through letters, videos, e-mails, and phone calls. One extended family adopted a family website where each family could post and download pictures. One survey participant wrote-mail works really well-everyone gets the same message at the same time.” Another participant responded, “We publish humorous biweekly family newsletter. Contributions are solicited from all. It is called The Latest Dope and has a Latest Dope Award’ in each issue”. Another person wrote, “My first cousin compiled a book of fairy stories. Everyone who wanted to could submit stories. Then he printed out a copy for each family”
A tip from grandparents; Grandparents love getting artwork from grandchildren or newspaper clippings about special awards, and, of course, we all love getting pictures-you simply can’t send too many! If your parents and in-laws have voice mail, when they aren’t available to answer the phone, encourage your children to leave personal messages. We kept one message from a three-year-old grandson on our voice mail for weeks. Each time we listened to his robust laugh, we laughed and felt loved!

Here are some ways to stay in touch.

Pick up the phone and call to say hello.
Send e-mails and pictures.
Encourage your children to stay in touch with their grandparents.
Start a family web site or a family e-mail newsletter.

Remember That You Have at Least One Thing in Common

One daughter-in-law related how she tried for twenty years to relate to her mother-in-law but never felt accepted or respected. After twenty years, her mother-in-law finally began to come around, and today they have a pleasant relationship. If you are the daughter-in-law struggling with a mother-in-law who is totally different from you, you can help build mutual respect by remembering what you have in common-you both love your spouse and it won’t take twenty years to build a relationship. Then look for other things you have in common. You may be surprised by what you find. Remember that whatever your differences, you both love the same person. Let us encourage you to concentrate on what you have in common, not on areas where you disagree.
It’s your choice. You can concentrate on the positive things you see in your in-law, or you can dwell on the negative. Why not take a few minutes and make a list of all the positive traits you can think of that describe your in-law. You may even admire some of the ways he or she is totally different from you. Each person is unique, and it’s up to you to appreciate that uniqueness, especially when it comes to your in-laws.

Here are some ways to build respect and find things in common.
1 Compliment your in-law in the presence of your mate.
2 Make a list of your in-law’s positive qualities.
3 Make a list of ways you are different that give variety to your family tree.
4 List your spouse’s good qualities he or she got from your in-laws.

Accept Love where you find it

With your in-laws learn to accept love where you find it. Not all grandparents are grandchildren friendly.” Not all in-laws look for ways to encourage you in your marriage-like offering to keep the kids. Not all relatives are sensitive to your needs. So give up expectations and accept love in whatever form it is offered. When the phone rings, whether its’ that long awaited call offering to keep your kids for a weekend for your getaway or a call telling you they’ve booked a cruise for themselves, accept them and love them. You can always be thankful if your parents and/or in-laws are still married and love each other enough to cruise together!
Again to really love and appreciate your in-laws, expect nothing and accept love where you find it. Oh yes, one other tip; Start your own list now of how you would like to relate to your children as adults-and to your grandchildren. And don’t forget that occasional cruise just for the two of you! Thanks for visiting our website.Feel free to comment on the articles you read on this site we would be glad to hear from.Cheers.

Penix

Appreciating the In-laws

Realizing what you can and can’t do is the first step. The second step is to work at better understanding and appreciating your in-laws. When you identify specific areas you need to address, you must come up with your own game plan.
Relationships are fluid and ever-changing. We hope the following suggestions will help your in-laws relationships change for the better positive change can begin in several ways. It can begin with a new idea, and we want to suggest several new ideas for loving your in-laws that may be you haven’t considered before.
Change can begin with a change in attitude, and change also occurs through actions, so we’ll tell you some things you can do right now to really love your in-laws.

Find the Comfort Zone between Intimacy and Distance

When we asked, “What is your best advice for building healthy in-law relationships?” we received the same answer from four different countries! Two simple words “Stay away!” This wasn’t the answer we were expecting, but it gave us a clue to one big dilemma in in-law relationships. In-laws have difficulty finding the comfort zone between intimacy and distance.
Picture a seesaw with intimacy on one end and distance on the other. What you want to do is find the appropriate balance in your relationship.
It is a continual balancing act, and it’s easy to get off balance. The changes in life create the need to continually adjust that balance. Some families enjoy getting together each Sunday for dinner, while others say, “Isn’t it great that we get to see our parents and in-laws several times a year?”
There are so many factors: where you live, children, jobs, and financial resources. This is one area where you simply have to find what works for you. The more in-laws you add, the more complicated relationships become. You can’t be as intimate with everyone as you can with your own spouse and children.
Then you need to evaluate your expectations. Mary, a new mom, told us how she felt when she was in the hospital when her first child was born. She loved all the attention she received during her pregnancy. The baby arrived. It was great fun when all the family came to the hospital to visit her and to see the baby, but then they all said good bye and went out to eat together. She was left alone in her hospital room with her new baby while everyone else was celebrating at her favorite restaurant! She felt more distance at this point than she wanted to feel. Then, in the following weeks, both her mother and mother in-law were continually around to give a helping hand. Their motives were great, but at this point Mary just wanted a little space. It’s hard to find the balance between being too involved and bot being involved enough? and how do you deal with a mother- in-law(sorry, not trying to pick on mothers-in-law, but this is an occupational hazard for mothers who love and care for their adult kids and spouses) who wants to be overly involved in your life? Here are some suggested ways to find that comfort zone:

1 Think about the past. How did your p[parents or in-laws relate to their own parents and in-laws? They simply nay be repeating the pattern that was modeled for them.
2 Talk it out with your parents and in-laws.
3 One couple asked each set of parents, what does it take to make you feel comfortable with us?
4 One mother-in-law answered, “I need to feel included.” Another said,” I need some time alone away from people.”
5 Share your own feelings. Talk openly about holidays and try to work out a compromise before hand that everyone can live with.

Realize you’re not in the same season of life

To simply admit that you are in different seasons of life is a great starting place for better understanding and appreciating your in-laws. Try to look at life from your parents’ and in-laws’ perspective. Your goals are probably very different. Nowhere does this manifest itself more than in family-owned businesses .The younger generation is ready to dig in, work hard, and invest in the future by expanding the company’s base of business. The older generation’s desire may be to wind down, take the profits, kick back, and enjoy life. You may not be involved in a family business, but you may find your goals are just as different as those who are. It helps to try understanding both sides-your situation and that of your parents and in-l-aw. Work at developing the attitude, “I will seek to understand my parents’ and in-laws’ goals and try to understand life from their perspective.
Intentionally look at life from your parents’ or in-laws’ point of view.
Don’t complain about how hectic your life is, Believe me, its all relative.
Become educated about your parents’ or in-laws new challenges
For example, when a parent or in-law is retiring or changing careers, take an interest.

Find Things in Common.

To help develop a sense of belonging, look for things you have in common. Everyone has to eat, so food is one shared interest. One daughter -in-law shares her experience:

When my mother-in-law came to visit I didn’t know what to do since we really don’t have very much in common, so I suggested we learn a new recipe together (She loves to cook so that seemed to be a natural.) Together we made a casserole, and it was a total flop. I learned how clever my mother-in-law was. To make the dried-out rice and vegetable casserole edible, she simple melted a stick of butter and poured it over the casserole. Voila’ It tasted great! Since then I’ve resorted to the butter treatment for turkey dressing that’s too dry. It definitely improves the flavor

If only all in-law relationships could be improved by melting a stick of butter, unfortunately, it’s not that simple, but you can look for things you have in common or could have in common. For instance, years ago when our boys were growing up, one Christmas we all got Austrian wool bedroom slippers. They were so toasty and warm that we continued the tradition over the years. When one pair wore out, we simply replaced them with a new pair. We gave them to our parents for Christmas one year, and when one of our sons was married in Austria, the tradition was extended to our daughter-in-law. It’s nice to know our feet all look alike.
Another time I (Claudia) gave each couple as well as our parents a homemade cookbook of our family’s favorite recipes, including Grandmother Arp’s pumpkin pie, my mom’s molasses cookies, Aunt Myrtle’s coconut cake, and my favorite cheese fondue recipe.

Host a dinner party together. Its’ fun to cook together. Try new recipes.
Choose family project, at your house or theirs, such as wall-papering a room or putting up
Shelving” in a closet. Do it togather.Take a vacation together. Once we went to Disneyworld
With Claudia’s parents. It wasn’t their first choice of places to visit, but the grandkids loved
Disney World and getting to experience it with their grandparents. We all built great
Memories.
Play games together. Some of our favorites are Scattergories, Balderdash, Trivial Pursuit,
and Dictionary.

Plan Realistically for Family Visits.

Each year we get several Christmas cards from families who look like they are right out of the “Supper Family Fairy Tale” Everyone is dressed alike and everyone is smiling. We admire them, but a picture like that just isn’t realistic for us. Every one in our family is so different we would never agree on what to wear!
Even if we could pull off such a picture, it wouldn’t reflect reality.
We’re just happy when we get together and there are no major crises. Please don’t misunderstand. We love it when we all can get together especially when we resist adopting unrealistic expectations.
So before your next family-get together, evaluate your expectations. One survey participatant wrote, when I go home I feel like I’m fifteen years old again and must comply with my parent’s wishes even at the expense of my relationship with my spouse.
From the parents’ side, we can tell you from our own experiences in the early days of adjusting to in-laws that it was easy for us to land back in the” parents” slot suddenly it was as if we had been teenagers again . So it works both ways. One mother-in-law wrote,” When our married kids come back to visit, we’re all adults for the first fifteen minutes. As the visit progresses, they regress, and we get put back into the parent role. Not fun”
When you get togather, ask, what’s the lowest common denominator?
Then adjust your expectations.
We also have discovered over the years that when we are together as a big extended family. we tend to talk more about the children and surface issues. So we don’t go with big expectations of deep conversation. Instead, we reserve those times for when we are with only one family. So we suggest developing the attitude of willingly putting aside your expectations and looking for ways to enhance your time together with your extended family.
Whatever your situation as family get-together, there will some things that never change and other things that over time can improve. It helps tremendously if you can have more realistic and accepting attitude toward these family times. There are so many variables and so many personalities involved, often you just have to go with the flow.
Realize its okay to have some conflict, disagreement, and expression of feelings, but there are some things you can do to cope.
Here are some ways to facilitate happy family gatherings;

Consider a neutral location. Suggest a cabin in the mountain or a condo at the beach.
Spend time beforehand thinking through the upcoming time Together.
Make a list of things you c an do ahead of time.
Cook ahead
Realize that you can’t control other people.
During the family get-together, take time for yourself.Read a book. Take nap.
Get away from every one for a couple of hours-it will help your perspective!
Get some exercise. Walk around the block.
Let every one help out in the kitchen. Ask for help if no one volunteers.
Be ready with family activities for those who want something to do.
Plan a hike or a golf outing, rent a couple of favorite black and white videos or DVDs, or
pull out some puzzle or a few fun favorite games.
Choose to serve your parents and in-laws. They will love you for it!

Stay in Touch

Keep in tough through letters, videos, e-mails, and phone calls. One extended family adopted a family website where each family could post and download pictures. One survey participant wrote-mail works really well-everyone gets the same message at the same time.” Another participant responded, “We publish humorous biweekly family newsletter. Contributions are solicited from all. It is called The Latest Dope and has a Latest Dope Award’ in each issue”. Another person wrote, “My first cousin compiled a book of fairy stories. Everyone who wanted to could submit stories. Then he printed out a copy for each family”
A tip from grandparents; Grandparents love getting artwork from grandchildren or newspaper clippings about special awards, and, of course, we all love getting pictures-you simply can’t send too many! If your parents and in-laws have voice mail, when they aren’t available to answer the phone, encourage your children to leave personal messages. We kept one message from a three-year-old grandson on our voice mail for weeks. Each time we listened to his robust laugh, we laughed and felt loved!

Here are some ways to stay in touch.

Pick up the phone and call to say hello.
Send e-mails and pictures.
Encourage your children to stay in touch with their grandparents.
Start a family web site or a family e-mail newsletter.

Remember That You Have at Least One Thing in Common

One daughter-in-law related how she tried for twenty years to relate to her mother-in-law but never felt accepted or respected. After twenty years, her mother-in-law finally began to come around, and today they have a pleasant relationship. If you are the daughter-in-law struggling with a mother-in-law who is totally different from you, you can help build mutual respect by remembering what you have in common-you both love your spouse and it won’t take twenty years to build a relationship. Then look for other things you have in common. You may be surprised by what you find. Remember that whatever your differences, you both love the same person. Let us encourage you to concentrate on what you have in common, not on areas where you disagree.
It’s your choice. You can concentrate on the positive things you see in your in-law, or you can dwell on the negative. Why not take a few minutes and make a list of all the positive traits you can think of that describe your in-law. You may even admire some of the ways he or she is totally different from you. Each person is unique, and it’s up to you to appreciate that uniqueness, especially when it comes to your in-laws.

Here are some ways to build respect and find things in common.
1 Compliment your in-law in the presence of your mate.
2 Make a list of your in-law’s positive qualities.
3 Make a list of ways you are different that give variety to your family tree.
4 List your spouse’s good qualities he or she got from your in-laws.

Accept Love where you find it

With your in-laws learn to accept love where you find it. Not all grandparents are grandchildren friendly.” Not all in-laws look for ways to encourage you in your marriage-like offering to keep the kids. Not all relatives are sensitive to your needs. So give up expectations and accept love in whatever form it is offered. When the phone rings, whether its’ that long awaited call offering to keep your kids for a weekend for your getaway or a call telling you they’ve booked a cruise for themselves, accept them and love them. You can always be thankful if your parents and/or in-laws are still married and love each other enough to cruise together!
Again to really love and appreciate your in-laws, expect nothing and accept love where you find it. Oh yes, one other tip; Start your own list now of how you would like to relate to your children as adults-and to your grandchildren. And don’t forget that occasional cruise just for the two of you! Thanks for visiting our website.Feel free to comment on the articles you read on this site we would be glad to hear from.Cheers.

Penix

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