“You Want To Do What ?”

In every talk we have ever given on sexuality, the question of oral sex is raised. What does the Bible say about oral sex ? Is it okay? Is it a perversion ?” This is another topic like masturbation, that is not specifically addressed in scripture. Nowhere do we read that it is expressly forbidden, nor do we clearly read that it is encouraged. However, just because something is not expressly forbidden does not make it right or necessary, and just because something is not clearly affirmed and encouraged does not make it wrong or sinful. We must look to other scriptural principles to guide us.
Many read passages such as {Jude 7}, which refers to the sexual immorality and perversion of Sodom and Gomorrah, as including oral sex, because they consider it a perversion of God’s design for sexuality. Their position is strengthened by the fact that most dictionaries define sodomy as including not only homosexual acts and bestiality but also anal and oral copulation with the opposite sex.
However, others interpret the many references to oral delights in the Song of  Songs as an indication of the total body enjoyment that the couple celebrates throughout the song. They bolster their position by the fact that the two most densely concentrated bundles of nerve endings in our bodies are in the penis or clitoris and in the tongue. Oral sex then is seen as a natural means of pleasuring each other, in keeping with God’s design of our erogenous zones.
These are issues couples need to consider openly and discuss outside of the bedroom. Most individuals will have fairly strong convictions one way or the other. If both are in agreement on the issue, there is not a problem -they are free to act in accordance with their desire to abstain or to engage without further concern.(However, we do strongly  caution couples engaging in oral sex against focusing primarily on that pleasure and forfeiting the greater connection and oneness of intercourse.)
If partners disagree, and especially if they feel strongly about their positions, this can become a bitter battleground, and that must not be allowed. It is certainly more loving to abstain from an act that is not necessary than to push for it when one’s spouse is uncomfortable, feels violated by it, or believes it is wrong. The issue should remain one that either party can bring up from time to time for reconsideration, but it is impossible to envision God being please with such an intimate act if it is engaged in under duress.
Scripture probably speaks most directly to issues such as this in , where Paul addresses disputable matters such as dietary restrictions and observance of sacred days:The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him. Who are you to judge someone else’s servant ? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand. One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind.

Concerns about pregnancy and Birth Control

Obviously when a couple of childbearing age are engaging `in sexual relations, there is always the chance of becoming pregnant unless there is a fertility problem. Even the most reliable forms of birth control are not 100 percent effective, and some are actually fairly ineffective. Pregnancy is one of God’s greatest miracles and perhaps his richest blessing, but it is not always desired at a specific time and that is okay. Couples should talk a great deal about their desires for children and would be wise to do a degree of planning unless they want to have as many children as possible.
These can sometimes be difficult discussions, but they are vitally important.
Until the turn of the twentieth century, most mainline protestant churches held the same position as catholics on birth control; that is, that the only acceptable form is Natural family planning (NPP) and that no form of artificial contraception is acceptable. The first is that couples engaging in intercourse but impairing the potential for pregnancy are seen as embracing a part of God’s gift while rejecting another. They are blocking God’s ability to bless them with a child and are therefore impairing his ability to fully bless their union, moving and acting within it as he so desires.
A second reason protestants and catholics have historically opposed artificial contraception goes back to the discussion mentioned earlier on the messages being communicated in the sexual act. if a couple is saying with their bodies, “lam giving you every part of myself, and I want to have every part of yourself” but are then placing a barrier between themselves to block their fertility, they are not actually giving and receiving every part of their beings. They are sending conflicting messages in their lovemaking.
Most every protestant denomination now accepts various artificial means of birth control, and studies show that even many Catholics do not follow their church’s teaching on this issue. There are some logical arguments to be made in favor of contraception, but the protestant church still has a long way to go in developing a true theology that supports artificial birth control.

For those who do elect to use contraception, there are  host of other decisions to be made. All forms create greater freedom and spontaneity, but each has potential consequences. The pill causes many women to experience hormonal imbalance and decreased libido (sex drive). It can also cause the abortion of a fertilized egg. Condoms generally cause decreased sensation and occasional allergic reactions. Diaphragms, cervical caps, and spermicidal sponges carry the potential for infection and, on rare occasions, toxic shock syndrome. Intrauterine devices and the so called “morning-after pill” cause the abortion of a fertilized egg.
Vasectomy and tubal ligation are perhaps the most effective forms but are fairly permanent.

All of these concerns make this yet another issue that requires couples to talk, read, pray, and consult with physicians and/or their clergy to ensure that they feel peaceful about their decisions. As difficult as these discussions can be, each result in a deepening intimacy for couples who are learning to really know each other.

Infertility

One of the most painful struggles many couples face is the inability to become pregnant, or to sustain a pregnancy, when children are greatly desired. Few things introduce so much tension into the bedroom and threaten to reduce lovemaking to a mere duty. The various fertility tests and treatments available can be a wonderful blessing, but they can rob any feelings of privacy, mystery, spontaneity, or passion. The pain of disappointment month after month easily becomes paired with sexual union, requiring couples to aggressively guard against emotional withdrawal and disconnection.
Unless friends and loved ones have experienced this struggle themselves, many of their attempts at encouragement will only worsen the pain. Couples struggling with infertility often withdraw from social circles because of the constant reminders of how friends have been blessed when they have not. Even simple things like seeing a car seat in an automobile or passing the nursery  wing at church can be overwhelming.
As in every other area of sexual difficulty, the most important response is for couples to talk-openly, honestly, and frequently. There is a grieving process to go through, grieving the loss of something they never really had, or had only briefly. And there are options to consider, options that sometimes threaten one’s beliefs and can cause division in the marriage.
Couples are encouraged to seek out support groups and / or professional counselling in addition to medical advise if they are unable to conceive when trying to do so for more than twelve month.

Conclusion

We can only touch on some of the things that can threaten to spoil the richness of God’s plan for marital sexuality. If it has fostered a clearer understanding of the spirit of making love and of the messages couples communicate through those acts, as well as a greater awareness of the things that can enhance and diminish that connection, then it has accomplished its purpose. There are few things in marriage that are so difficult but so important to discuss, and which can yield such sweet fruit or bitter harvest depending on how they are handled.

Questions to help You

1.   What do you believe are the ways in which your sexual union could be most threatened ?
2.   What subject covered in this chapter is difficult for you as a couple to talk about ?
What do you think makes it difficult ?
3.   What is at least one area in your sexual relationship that you are determined to talk through more,
read on, pray over, or seek help with, to deepen your experience pf truely making love ?
For further help
Please feel free to write us in any way you have need of our help. We shall be willing to render further help to smoothen any rough-edges of your marriage.

Triggering of past Sexual Abuse Memories

We store memory in all five of our senses as well as in our cognitive mind. For many people who have been sexually abused, or even those who have had sexual experiences they might not consider to have been abuse per se, a triggering effect can occur when they begin to be sexual with their spouse. Although their mind tells them, “This is okay. This is good. This is not like the other things that have happened,” their senses may react to the sensory cues and override their will. When this occurs, their bodies will not respond properly, and they may become angry with themselves, or worse yet their spouse may become angry, adding to their negative paring.
Pairing of stimuli with sexual cues, whether as a turn-on or a turnoff, is a natural process and can be addressed quite effectively. Once again, though, it is not something that is likely to get better on its own. If a person is experiencing these reactions, he or she should avail himself or herself of Christian resources for sexual abuse recovery, attend a support group, or seek out a professional Christian counselor skilled in sexual abuse work. The important thing is to be proactive rather than allowing your body to continue to be reactive, sabotaging both the beauty of what God has given you as well as the healing he has waiting for you.

Difficulty with Orgasm

There are many possible reasons for experiencing difficulty with orgasm, and this is another issue couples need to discuss openly and address pro actively if it is a struggle. It may be tempting to say,”It’s not that important. i don’t mind. I still enjoy being together,”but the experience of both partners being able to achieve climax fairly regularly (though not necessarily simultaneously) is deeply bonding and well worth the embarrassment and work  that may be required to attain it.
It has been said that as much as 80 percent of sex therapy is sex education.We don’t know if that’s true, but we can certainly attest to the impact of a little clarification and education on numerous marriages. Many people are not aware of the side effects of many drugs-even over-the-counter ones and especially birth control pills and antidepressants-that can practically kill a sex drive and impair or block orgasmic potential. Alcohol,stress, fatigue, various physical ailments and disorders, and many other things can all compromise sexual functioning, though they may not at first appear to be related.
Masturbation is another saboteur of orgasm with a partner. The quick and predictable climax a person can achieve through self simulation is difficult if not impossible for a partner to match. Masturbation is not specifically forbidden in scripture, but lust is almost always connected with masturbatory patterns. In our opinion, masturbation falls under Paul’s instructions to the Corinthians; Everything is permissible for me’-but I will not be mastered by anything (1 Corinthians 6:12).masturbation can rarely be considered beneficial and it has certainly mastered many an individual, robbing them of the richness of God’s gift and leading them into greater sins.
If a married person is engaging in masturbation apart from their spouse, he or she can easily short-circuit his or her ability to achieve orgasm during lovemaking. This is because real life rarely measures up to fantasy. Solitary masturbation disconnects intimacy from the sexual response cycle, creating a mere shadow of what God intended and lessening the chances of deeply connecting during lovemaking. Choosing the quick satisfaction of self-stimulation over the more difficult but far more satisfying and God-honoring acts of lovemaking should always be discourage unless it is by mutual consent and for some specific purpose.
Although there are many other reasons for difficulty achieving orgasm, there is at least one more that must be mentioned in a chapter like this. Many couples are not aware of the importance of the clitoris for orgasm in the woman. When we talk about sex, we normally speak of penis and vagina-those are the organs involved in intercourse and in procreation.But when we speak of sex for pleasure’s sake and especially for orgasm, we are talking about penis and clitoris. Studies have shown that more than half of all women, and in some studies as many ass two thirds of all women, are unable to achieve orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation.
The clitoris is a small bundle of nerve endings and tissue located above the vaginal and urinary openings. Many couples are not even aware of it, or are unsure of where it is.It contains many of the same nerve endings that are distributed along the entire shaft of the penis in the man. For a woman to achieve orgasm without clitoral stimulation can be as difficult as it would be for a man with no direct clitoral stimulation during the act of intercourse, manual stimulation before,during, or after it generally required to produce an orgasm. (This is one of those times when the principle of “Ladies first works nicely!)
We must remember that God created the clitoris, and it does not serve any other function than sexual pleasure and facilitation of orgasm in a woman. It says a great deal about Gods interest in our pleasure, and it presents a tremendous invitation to couples to risk, explore, learn, and grow if they have not fully discovered the importance of the clitoris.

Premature Ejaculation

Many couples experience frustration when the husband is unable to withhold ejaculation for more than a few minutes during intercourse. Actually, several studies have shown that most men are unable to prevent orgasm during active thrusting for more than two to five minutes. So if couples are frustrated with premature ejaculation, it is important first to have a frame of reference for what is actually “Premature.” For our purposes, we will define it as experiencing orgasm considerably before couples desire it and repeatedly being unable to improve upon that pattern.
As with most other problem areas, there can be a number of reasons for truly premature ejaculation. Probably the most common is simply that the man is allowing too much sensate arousal to flood over him as he “drinks in” everything that is happening. Recalling the importance of sensual cues for arousal, the man needs to work at paying more attention to his wife and her pleasure first before turning his attention to his own enjoyment. With practice, this can become easier to do without becoming emotionally absent in bed. It’s important that he remains emotionally connected with her, but  so attuned to his physical arousal.
There are also exercise that the man can do and that couples can do together to decrease premature ejaculation. Again;it would be wise to get some Christian texts specifically on sexuality if this is a problem, and it is critical for couples to talk openly and to deal with their frustration pro actively. as with almost any other sexual problem, premature ejaculation can be greatly improved if couples are willing to work at it.

And the two will become one flesh!

The Plan for sexual intimacy is awesome beyond description. Sexual union can communicate our love and oneness in ways that words are simply inadequate to express. But sexual conflict and violations can also do unspeakable harm. There is perhaps no other pain a husband or wife can inflict upon their partner that cuts so deeply as a strike at their sexuality.
There are several areas in which sexual intimacy can be threatened.
It is beyond the scope of this chapter to address any of these in much details, but a brief overview can alert you to the problems most commonly experienced and should encourage you to do further reading or seek help if any of these begin to rob your intimacy.

Frequency

One of the first areas of disagreement often encountered is the desired frequency of lovemaking. We have been interviewing marriage partners separately and heard one husband complain,”She hardly ever wants to have sex!” The wife complained, “All he wants to do is have sex” Obviously these two have differing desires for frequency. There can be many reasons for low sexual desire, or for an overly active sex drive, from pain disorders and medication reactions to past sexual abuse and sexual addictions. Both partners must be very careful with the other’s feelings and must continue to talk openly about their differing preferences until they arrive at an agreeable arrangement or seek help.
Many spouses, and even well-intentioned pastors and counselors, have quoted {1 Corinthians 7:5} about not withholding ourselves from each other as a means of forcing a partner into compliance. This can be a gross misuse of God’s Word and a overly simplistic means of addressing an often complex issue. We urge couples to seek professional Christian counseling or notable marriage counselors if they are unable to arrive at a mutually agreeable and satisfying frequency of lovemaking.

“Sex Hurts”

One of the possible reasons for low sexual desire is pain during intercourse-acute, diffuse, consistent, periodic, stabbing, burning, aching, pulling, etc. There can be many reasons for experiencing pain, but they absolutely must be dealt with. The mantras of the athletic world don’t apply to sexual relations; you don’t “play through the pain.”You don’t “just do it. God designed us to be pain-avoiding creatures, and if pain begins to be associated with sexual intercourse, we will quickly develop a natural and very powerful aversion to it. Most complaints of pain can be dealt with effectively once the cause is identified, so an evaluation by a Christian sex therapist, gynecologist is always a wise step. Don’t try to ignore it or tell yourself,”It’s all in my head.” It’s not likely to go away on its own.